


Until The Rivers Run Dry

by T4kara



Category: Infinite (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-04-22
Updated: 2014-09-23
Packaged: 2018-01-04 10:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 70,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/T4kara/pseuds/T4kara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>"Living is like going through a hail of arrows. And I have such a big target tacked onto my heart."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p><br/>"Emotions run from one end to another. But for a slow-paced me, I fall behind and out of breath."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>"These useless emotions that dirty my heart are covered with dust."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>"I can not hold my heart and I lose the world."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p><br/>"For some people all of this would be terrifying, but for me it is more natural than laughing."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>"Crying is easy, just like breathing. The more you hold in, the more you let out."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>"Sadness is my home. Even if I go out to happiness for a moment, I’ll always come back."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>"Now I know well that I’ll always come back home."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p><br/>"Living is like going through a hail of arrows. But why do I have such a big target tacked onto my heart?"</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p>"Because more than familiar sadness, I disliked unfamiliar happiness."</p>
</div><div class="center">
  <p><br/>"This sadness that became my home, can I invite you in?"</p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. Just Remember (MS/SY)

**Author's Note:**

> Another of my works I'm working on on Asianfanfics.com , where again I got this beautiful poster for which I'm thankful to **[kmaniac](http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/27603)** & her wonderful **[|| f o o t p r i n t s. 2nd. POSTER. REQUEST. SHOP ||](http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/206886/f-o-o-t-p-r-i-n-t-s-2nd-poster-request-shop-open-graphics-korean-kpop-poster-request)**
> 
>   
>  A oneshot collection full of disgusting angst, basically.
> 
>   
> Table of contents:
> 
>   
> Just Remember (Myungsoo/Sungyeol) - done
> 
> Vanilla Salt (Sungyeol/Sungjong) -done
> 
> Care (Woohyun/Sungyeol) - done
> 
> Lucidity of a Word (Woohyun/Sungjong) -done
> 
> Cure (Sunggyu/Myungsoo) - done
> 
> Deceptions (Woohyun/Sunggyu) - done
> 
> Whispered Truth (Myungsoo/Sungyeol) - done
> 
> In My Veins (Dongwoo/Sungjong) - done
> 
> Imprisoned (Hoya/Sunggyu) - done
> 
> Borders of Despair (Myungsoo/Sungyeol) - done
> 
> Make a Wish (Myungsoo/Sungjong) - done
> 
> Hourglass (Woohyun/Sunggyu) - done
> 
> Cruelly Beautiful (Dongwoo/Woohyun) - in progress
> 
> Dark Corner (Myungsoo/Sungjong)
> 
> Nothing (Woohyun/Myungsoo)
> 
> Dreams (Dongwoo/Hoya)
> 
> When the Skies Cry (Woohyun/Sunggyu)
> 
> Richness of White (?/?)
> 
> Let's Fall (?/?)
> 
> Chasing Shadows (?/?)
> 
>   
> ... and more yet to come~!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which roses wilt and violets die.

 

Lee Sungyeol awoke to the rays of sunglight lazily peering through the curtains, hitting his heavy eyelids. Reluctantly he slowly rolled on the bed, pulling a blanket over his head in the process to shield his precious eyes from the killing light. Yawning widely, he stretched his long limbs and wobbled into sitting position, blinking rapidly to kick the sleep from his eyes (which didn’t quite work for him).

Glancing at the clock however, the sleepiness disappeared fastly and the boy let out a terrified gasp. It was already past ten in the morning, which meant whole day of receiving death glares, cold responses and eventually getting ignored from a  _certain_  someone, who just happened to be his  _very_  punctual boyfriend. And as expected, one of the things he hated the most was when people arrived late. Especially when it came to  _certain_  Lee Sungyeol.

In short, Sungyeol was in one deep shit.

He dashed to the bathroom to take a quick shower and brush his teeth in the speed of light. The day obviously didn’t have a good start for him, which was proved when a toothpaste tube fell from his hands and he accidentaly stepped on it when trying to grab it again. As a result, the bathroom floor got polished by mint toothpaste that morning and also there was a whole lot of colourful swearings escaping Sungyeol’s mouth.

He scanted his breakfast and proceeded to drink just a glass of milk, which also fell as a victim for his clumsiness. He gave up on touching anything that could get broken (since he accidently pushed a vase and it shattered also) and snatched his phone to look why the damn thing didn’t wake him up when it was supposed to. And he facepalmed himself right away. The battery was dead. Now he was sure he had tons of missed calls and threatening text messages saying that if he doesn’t move his ass, then that very same ass will end in the deepest hole of burning hell by the end of that day.

Sungyeol sighed, tossing his phone onto his bed since he  _really_  didn’t have the time to charge it, grabbed his wallet, keys and dashed out.

Freezing air outside was like a punch to his face, which was still a bit flushed with sleep. But what else could he expect in the middle of January, right? While letting his long legs take him where he was supposed to be for already an hour, his mind still produced  more and more horrible scenarios of his future death that also might come to him within the following few hours.

It’s  _Kim_   _Myungsoo_  we are talking about here, people.

It wasn’t like Myungsoo was going to yell at Sungyeol (which would be better at times). No. He was going to torture him with almost deafening silence and complete ignorance. Sungyeol hated it and felt guilty every time situation like that occurred and Myungsoo himself knew that pretty well.

He knew he was being kind of unfair to Sungyeol, because he never really was  _that_  angry, but it always somehow amused him to watch Sungyeol being all desperate when trying to catch at least a glimpse of his attention.

And Sungyeol knew about it also. He knew that Myungsoo’s ignorace was just a façade. But he still tagged along and played the game with him. And so did Myungsoo.

We can say they were just bored and in love enough to play stupid games like that. Needless to say they loved each other unconditionally, knowing secret ways of how to make the other forgive them after doing something that really was worth anger. They knew everything about the other from A to Z and yet they still found themselves falling in love with one another anew every single day.

Sungyeol ran down the street, his eyes already catching the sign of the café where Myungsoo was still waiting for him. But he stopped all of sudden, when he saw something he never did before. As he was passing by the various shops, he stopped in front of one, which most probably was new there.

 _‘Florist’s shop?’_  he thought, curiously looking through the shop window, seeing a florist girl standing behind the counter, rearranging lilies in the vase. Then an idea struck his excessively clever mind and he stepped inside the shop, already pulling out his wallet. Myungsoo certainly wouldn’t expect an apology gift, he smiled to himself, approaching the girl whose attention was still focused on the lilies.

“Hello.” Sungyeol greeted, amusedly watching the girl’s surprised expression.

“Oh, hello. I’m sorry I didn’t see you. How can I help you, sir?” she asked, smiling shyly.

“Just two red roses, please. The prettiest ones you have here.” Sungyeol grinned, watching the girl disappearing behind the piles of green. He inwardly praised himself. It’d been a while since he bought Myungsoo something like a flower despite the fact he knew exactly what kind Myungsoo liked the most - blood-like roses.

“Here you go, sir. Is that going to be all?” she returned with two roses in her hands.

“Yes, thank you.” Sungyeol snapped out of his thinking and paid for the flowers. They really were pretty; not too small, not too big either, not too dark, not too light. Just perfect.

He then took one of the roses and was about to go.

“Sir, you forgot the second one!” the girl called after him.

Sungyeol turned around, flashing her a smile. “That one is for you.” he said and left the shop.

The very moment Sungyeol stepped into the café, where Myungsoo sat for nearly one hour and half already, he immediately went to his table, grinning widely. That apparently surprised the other, but he didn’t show it.

“Where were you?” Myungsoo asked, effectively hiding the happiness he actually felt.

Sungyeol however kept quiet. Instead of some crappy apology he would say at any other time he made one long step closer to the younger boy, slowly bending down to have their faces at the same level, his arms unconspiciously folded behind his back, holding the rose. Myungsoo stared at him, not even blinking. So did Sungyeol before he quickly leaned closer, pressing a soft peck on Myungsoo’s cheek.

Even when he pulled his lips away from the boy’s face, he stayed like that for a while longer, having their cheeks pressed against each other. Sungyeol’s breath tickled Myungsoo’s ear, sending chills down his spine. Sungyeol always acted rather all cute and cuddly, even in public. He hardly ever was like this, all mysterious and stuff.  _Especially in public._

“Sorry I’m late, Soo.” he whispered, slowly pulling away from Myungsoo’s face, staring at him again, grinning widely.

Myungsoo blinked few times, trying to process what in the world was going on. For a second he just wanted to jump from the chair he was sitting on and scream who was that person and what did they do with his Sungyeol, but on the other hand,  _this_  side of the elder was something Myungsoo liked. Quite a lot.

“Is there something on my face?” he asked sheepishly, when Sungyeol didn’t blink for kind of long time.

“No.” Sungyeol replied briefly, in all seriousness.

“So what’s your excuse this time?” Myungsoo coughed awkwardly, gesturing for Sungyeol to sit down.

“I don’t have any. I somehow don’t want to blame everything on the poor thing I call my cell-phone.” Sungyeol said, still grinning. It actually started to be scary.

“And… That’s all?” Myungsoo raised his eyebrow in disbelief. Sungyeol’s apologies were always a bit  _longer_  and he _always_  blamed it on someone or something. Something was fishy.

“No. You can blame it on that new shop down the street.” Sungyeol chuckled, completely amused by Myungsoo’s failed attempts to stay cool with everything. When instead of looking cool, like he always tried, he rather looked unbearably adorable.

“What?”

“Yeah. They made me buy this for you.” Sungyeol finally pulled the rose from behind his back.

Myungsoo really did try his best and keep the corners of his mouth down to maintain his cold facial expression, but he failed miserably. He'd always failed, whenever Sungyeol was too cute for him to resist. Myungsoo gave up and let his face soften, feeling a shy smile finally overtaking his lips as he slowly reached out his hand to take the rose.

“Idiot.”

**_Roses are red, violets are blue_ **

**_sugar is sweet and perhaps so are you._ **

****

A lot later that day, after Myungsoo walked Sungyeol home, spending another half an hour at the doorstep arguing over a movie they should watch tomorrow, Myungsoo slowly led his steps home. Fate was kind enough to let the two of them live only three blocks away from each other, so even if they walked slowly, they were at the other’s place within fifteen minutes.

Myungsoo was grateful for that day that was slowly coming to an end. It was one of those days again when he literally felt the time running faster, while he spent it with the overgrown child. It wasn’t like Myungsoo wasn’t childish - because he  _was._  Especially around Sungyeol. They both were childish enough to play hide and seek in the park or go fetch themselves an ice-cream in the middle of winter. They didn’t care. They had their world, they locked themselves in and threw the key away.

However, life isn’t a fairytale. There is no ‘happily ever after’ unless you’re really lucky. It’d been proved to Myungsoo more than enough times since his childhood. Everything has its dark side and the love Sungyeol and Myungsoo shared was not an exception. No one except Myungsoo knew about that dark corner in their world full of rainbows. No one knew.

Everything has seemed just okay, as if his issues from before were long forgotten in the past. Myungsoo thought so, until the previous Saturday’s evening, when he got a phone call he’d been scared to get. A call he has been wishing not to receive for four years.

The boy shook his depressive thoughts off and walked faster towards his apartment, still lovingly observing the rose Sungyeol gave him. Once he was home, he put the rose in a vase and threw himself on his old, but the most comfortable couch he ever laid his butt on and casually flipped through TV channels. It wasn’t like he cared about the sappy stuff that was on just like every other weekday. He didn’t.

And his thoughts slowly drifted back to somewhere where he pondered his once again miserable life. Just when he thought nothing can go wrong. Just when he thought he wouldn’t have to tell Sungyeol about everything… The call came and shattered everything. Even though he had been told that he’d get another call in few days, Myungsoo already knew where it was going. Everything he treasured shattered into pieces and he couldn’t do anything about it anymore.

Then his phone buzzed on the table in front of him.

Myungsoo just glanced at the caller’s name and his heart almost stopped beating, while his spine had shivers running it down again. He reached out for the device, staring at it for a while before hesitantly hitting the green button, picking the call up.

“Sunggyu-hyung?” he called to the phone, trying to sound at least a little calm.

 _“Hey, Myung.”_  Sunggyu greeted back and from the tone he used, Myungsoo assumed that everything has turned into ashes deep down in hell even before he picked the call. Sunggyu was Myungsoo’s older step-brother and the only one who got him through their tough life when they were kids left without parents. Sunggyu now worked as a policeman, which quite helped Myungsoo in his not-so-good situation.

“What’s up?” Myungsoo asked, almost forgetting how to breathe.

 _“They’re fast, Myung. Faster than I thought. It’s bad.”_  Sunggyu sighed to the phone.

“…I can’t deny I expected it.” Myungsoo admitted, sighing also. “Can’t you do something with them, hyung?” he asked pleadingly, almost begging.

 _“You know I can’t. If I could I wouldn’t even tell you about it in the first place.”_  Sunggyu answered.

“What am I supposed to do?” Myungsoo asked then, hoping for Sunggyu to give him some advice.

 _“You need to disappear. At least for some time. That’s all I can recommend. Advantage is on their side Myung. Going abroad would be the best option for now.”_  Sunggyu said sadly. He didn’t want to leave everything to his brother, but he really  _couldn’t_  do anything else.

“… I can’t just go away and leave everything here.” Myungsoo half-whispered, on the verge of tears as the image of Sungyeol’s gummy smile appeared in his mind.

_“Do whatever you think is right. Just don’t do anything stupid. There are still people who care about you. Don’t forget about that.”_

“I know, hyung. Thanks.”

 _“It’s going to be okay. I know it.”_  Sunggyu tried to at least encourage the younger, because he, as his brother knew what Myungsoo was facing better than anyone else.

Without answering, Myungsoo ended the call, throwing his phone across the room, smashing it into pieces. He shouted in frustration, grabbing his hair with both of his hands, nearly pulling them out. Despite how much he wanted to cry, not even single teardrop appeared in his eyes as he buried his face in the pillow that was innocently placed next to him.

Even with Sunggyu’s rather useless advice, Myungsoo knew exactly what he was going to do. Even though it was the very last thing he’d ever want to do. It was the only way how to keep Sungyeol away from any harm.

“It must have been something serious when you’re ten minutes late.” Sungyeol teased after finally spotting his boyfriend standing behind his door.

“Sorry.” Myungsoo apologized quietly, flashing Sungyeol small smile. “I brought you these. You know, as a payback.” he added then, pulling a boquet of violets from behind his back. He watched the choding getting excited about the flowers, ten minutes long forgotten. Myungsoo really did enjoy every time Sungyeol showed him his gums when forming that contagious smile. However now he felt like all the world’s problems have been thrown on his shoulders and he wasn’t even able to return the smile.

Myungsoo didn’t have any particular reason why he was late, despite him being always everywhere exactly on time. He would have made it on time, if he only hadn’t tried  to delay everything that was still yet to come. But even those ten short minutes were an opportunity to enjoy the fact that he’d enjoy Sungyeol’s presence again. At least for a while. It was an opportunity to pretend there was nothing standing in their way to happiness. At least for a while.

“Are you not coming in?” Sungyeol grinned then, pulling the absent-minded Myungsoo inside, putting the flowers on the table beside them. “Thank you, Soo. They’re beautiful.” he added after a while, once Myungsoo got the coat off himself as well as the shoes. He didn’t even have the time to look up again and Myungsoo found himself wrapped in Sungyeol’s embrace, his lips softly moving against his own.

Myungsoo immediately threw his arms around Sungyeol too, running one of his hands through his hair, pulling their bodies unbelievably close. As they slowly made their way further to the house - to Sungyeol’s bedroom to be more specific - the kisses grew hungrier, leaving both of them letting out shameless mewls and sighs, occasionally whispering sweet nothings in between the kisses.

“M-Myung…” Sungyeol stammered, once he was pushed on his bed, with Myungsoo crawling on the top of him, showering his face with butterfly kisses. The younger just hummed in response as his lips and tongue were kind of busy to produce understandable words.

“Let’s not make it rushed.” Sungyeol said quietly then, almost whispering in embarrassement as the words he’d said just then sounded way stupider than they did in his head.

Myungsoo stopped and hovered about the elder for a while, his lips tugging into playful smirk. It felt so awesomely right and somehow amusing to see a flushed Sungyeol underneath him, still panting for air a bit.

“You’re so beautiful, Yeollie.” he whispered then, slowly and lovingly pressing his lips against Sungyeol’s once again, yet it wasn’t leading to any heavy make out session. “You know I love you, right?” he asked, suddenly serious once they broke the kiss.

“Of course I know. I love you too, Soo.” Sungyeol grinned widely once again, but Myungsoo’s facial expression was as if frozen. Sungyeol’s confession made him want to cry again. It again, reminded him of what was yet to happen. But Sungyeol didn’t know and it was definitely going to be kept that way. “I love you so much, you can’t even imagine it.” he added then, throwing his arms around Myungsoo’s back and pulling him down, clutching him as one human-sized plushie.

And despite that he should be happy, Myungsoo felt like crying more than ever before.

The evening approached quickly, neither of them noticed the time passing that quickly, being too preoccupied cuddling with each other, watching B-grade comedies.

Myungsoo had this strange, bad feeling in his gut since about five in the afternoon. It felt like he had swallowed a bit too large bite and it wanted to come out again. With every minute that passed, the feeling was getting still worse. But Myungsoo knew  why was his body behaving that way. He abruptly untangled his fingers from Sungyeol’s, withdrew his arm from behind his waist and stood up.

“Where are you going?” Sungyeol asked, pouting cutely.

“Bathroom.” Myungsoo smiled a little and strode out of the living room, earning a smack on his butt in the process. To that, he couldn’t help but grin also. However the feeling of mixed happiness and sadness wouldn’t go away.

Once he closed the bathroom door behind his back, he finally let his body slide against the door and broke down to tears. Myungsoo had always known that life was merciless and he was apparently the favourite one among the seven billion of people on Earth to be tortured. Ever since his childhood everything went straight to hell.

He and Sunggyu had the same mother, who was taking care of them along with Myungsoo’s father, since Sunggyu’s father had apparently no interest in his son. However their mother passed away after Sunggyu started to go to school and Myungsoo’s father left them in the orphanage instead of taking care of them himself.

Sunggyu was the only one he had since then, a real family. They made it through life just barely. Neither of them did complain though. They both believed that miss Fortune will show them her smile one day. And that actually happened when Myungsoo met Sungyeol two years ago and after the two of them got together, they helped Sunggyu to get together with Woohyun, who was Sungyeol’s best friend.

Myungsoo then found out that his father had also passed away; the cause of death was murder. Even though he should have, Myungsoo didn’t feel any sorrow back then. It brought him some strange kind of relief, when he had realised that half of his problems had suddenly disappeared along with his father.

He had Sungyeol, Sunggyu and Woohyun with him there. They were all supporting him as well as he did the same. They filled the empty space in his heart.

But the previous week, Sunggyu called Myungsoo, sadly not to talk about how annoying Woohyun’s aegyo got. Back then, Sunggyu had a lot worse news. Miss Fortune had turned her back on Myungsoo again and his dark past arose to the surface of Earth. And that was the reason why Myungsoo was letting all those tears he has always held in out. He didn’t even try to get a hold of himself.

Once the tears stopped flowing and Myungsoo felt like he couldn’t even speak anymore, he stood up, trying to get his balance and stared at his wrecked reflection in the mirror. He got disgusted by the sight and turned away from it. Pulling a piece of paper he had prepared for that night, he read the words written on it all over again, as if reassuring himself that it was the right thing to do.

He opened the door again, peering to the living room just to see Sungyeol there, almost dying of laughter as some joke was being said in the TV. Myungsoo smiled sadly at the sight before quietly tip-toeing to the kitchen, where the violets were put after their make out session. He put the paper in between two of the flowers then, sighing.

“You know I love you, right?” he whispered to no one, unconsciously stroking the petals. When he felt tears threatening to fall again, he spared one last glance to Sungyeol before turning around and fastly disappearing from the house through the back door.

When it was noticeably long since Myungsoo had gone to the bathroom, Sungyeol started to be worried if the younger isn’t sick or something. He paused the movie and skipped to the bathroom, knocking on the door quietly.

“Myung? Are you okay?” he called, waiting for an answer.

Nothing.

“Myungsoo?” he called again. “Come on, you’re freaking me out.” he added, trying not to sound so worried.

And when only silence met his words again, Sungyeol didn’t wait and opened the door. He stiffened as he saw no one there, feeling anxiety spreading all over his insides.

“Myungsoo?!” he shouted on the top of his lungs, his mind already producing the worst scenarios of what could have happened to the younger. Again, no one answered and Sungyeol started to panic. He'd turned whole house upside down, but there was no trace of Myungsoo anywhere. The last chance was his phone. Yet Sungyeol didn’t know that Myungsoo’s phone was broken into pieces as the boy had smashed it agaist a wall the day before.

_“The number you are calling is currently unreach--“_

_‘Great’_  Sungyeol thought bitterly, tossing his phone to the side, letting tears fall. Maybe he was just overreacting. Maybe something urgent came up and Myungsoo had to leave quickly. Maybe…

Sungyeol didn’t know what could have happened that it made Myungsoo leave without saying anything. But maybe he was really just overreacting. Even the slightest spark of hope died within him, when he went to the kitchen, taking the violets to his hands. He noticed the paper that flew from there.

He picked it up.

He let his eyes run on the words written there.

And he knew he won’t be able to stop the tears anymore.

**“Don’t look for me, Yeol. It’s the only way.”**

For the following week Myungsoo honestly lived like a piece of trash. He wouldn’t come out of his apartment, not even from his bed. He had barely eaten one meal a day and shower has somehow become an unknown term for him. Like that he spent days and nights unable to sleep and unable to stop crying over what he’d done. It felt like decades he spent crying on his pillow which had been the only listener for the whole time.

An invisible knife had been sent right through his heart by his own hand the moment he stepped out of Sungyeol’s house that evening. Since then, he cut himself off any contact with the outside world.

He knew he was acting all selfish and childish towards Sunggyu at least, because he knew that his brother had too much work to do himself and he surely was also worried about him. Myungsoo was always one of those who were hard to handle and there were times he would lock himself in his little dark world, but it never lasted longer than three days.

Therefore, Sunggyu for sure was going insane.

Few days later Woohyun walked in the direction of Myungsoo’s apartment, early in the morning. Sunggyu really had been losing all his sanity during the days before, not to mention he as well was busy with work as his boss hadn’t stopped throwing piles of papers on his shoulders. Therefore, being an attentive boyfriend Woohyun was, the previous day when Sunggyu had come home, he'd asked him for a spare key to Myungsoo’s apartment, telling him he’d go and check up on him.

That evening Woohyun got babied and showered with love as Sunggyu was glad he wasn’t alone in it.

In Woohyun’s honest opinion, Myungsoo was acting more than weird. No one knew what had happened, which was even worse than if they knew. And beside the fact that he was a bit mad at Myungsoo, Woohyun couldn’t deny the fact that he was worried as well. Because Myungsoo wasn’t the only one who wasn’t reachable. Sungyeol too. As if they both disappeared into thin air.

Spare key was just a plan B in case Myungsoo wouldn’t come to open the door - which was most likely to happen. But Woohyun tried. He knocked on the door several times, but nothing happened, just like he'd expected. So he'd fished the key from his pocket within seconds and opened the door.

What greeted him however wasn’t a pleasant sight. The smell wasn’t pleasant either. Except the fact that the curtains were closed so it looked like a cave there, it almost gave off the feel like someone has barged in there, destroyed everything and died in a corner.

There was glass shattered everywhere, furniture was broken into pieces and turned all upside-down and in the midst of it all there was some liquid Woohyun didn’t want to know the name of on the floor and the walls. Staring at the disaster around him, Woohyun even wondered if he was at the right place for a second.

Not even bothering to take his shoes off - since the place needed some general cleaning and his feet won’t certainly get along with the glass on the floor well - he marched towards the door of Myungsoo’s room, banging on the it loudly.

“Yah! Kim Myungsoo! I swear to the mother of all hamsters if you won’t open that damn door I’m going to break your neck and that’s not something you want!” he shouted, quite imaptiently waiting for an answer. In all seriousness, Woohyun had expected Myungsoo would just ignore him, but surprise made its way to his face once he heard a quiet click from the other side of the door.

The moment a surprised Woohyun stepped into Myungsoo’s room, the boy’s devastated figure was just falling on the bed again. It was suddenly as if something switched within Woohyun that made all the anger fade away. Seeing that Myungsoo’s condition was  _that_  miserable, he realised that whatever it was that had happened was way more serious than he expected.

Obviously, Woohyun had noticed that there was something secret going on between Sunggyu and Myungsoo, but when he did ask Sunggyu about that, he merely shook his head, saying it was just some unimportant family business they had to take care of. And Woohyun didn’t press on. However as he was facing the disaster that barged into Myungsoo‘s apartment, he was sure something went very wrong and it definitely wasn’t unimportant.

“What happened to you?” Woohyun asked after a while, his voice softening.

Instead of an answer, Myungsoo just rolled on the bed, facing the wall. Woohyun sighed, the day definitely was going to be long. “Come on.” he pleaded, sitting on the bed beside the boy.

“What do you want, hyung?” came a muffled question as Myungsoo pressed his face into the pillow.

“I asked first.” Woohyun chuckled. Childish one. He had to give in after a while anyway, since Myungsoo didn’t find his childishness funny at all and did not answer. “Sunggyu-hyung is worried to death about you. And to be honest, seeing this dumpster makes me worried too.” he sighed, scanning Myungsoo’s rather neglected, unmoving body.

“I just did what he told me to.” Myungsoo answered, sighing.

“Don’t tell me he told you to test a nuclear weapon in your apartment.” Woohyun snorted. He was glad that Myungsoo answered, which was quite rare whenever the boy locked himself in.

“Don’t try to be funny. You’re not.” Myungsoo snapped, wobbling into sitting position. Even in the dim light that lingered in the room, Woohyun could see how pale the younger boy was and how red his eyes were.

“So? Will you tell me?” Woohyun tried again, trying not to sound so eager.

“It’s complicated, hyung…” Myungsoo turned to Woohyun completely. “It’s not like I don’t want to tell you, but…” he sighed, when seeing that definitely won’t work on the tree in front of him. “Basically, I broke up with Yeol.” he said then in barely hearable whisper, making Woohyun choke on air.

“No wonder you’re like this…” Woohyun muttered once he managed to control his breathing again. “It’s not my business so I won’t ask, but I told Gyu I’ll check up on you and there’s no way in deepest pit of hell I’m leaving this place like this.” he added then, playful smirk appaearing on his face. He had to supress the urge to ask what made Myungsoo break up with Sungyeol, since as far as he knew the two of them were more in love than him and Sunggyu which was quite something.

Myungsoo just growled in annoyance, falling back on the bed. He was grateful that Woohyun didn’t ask more and maybe cleaning the place was a way how to make him forget about the misery that was his life at least for a while.

Even so, he didn’t want Woohyun to be stuck with him for whole day.

“Go home, hyung. I’ll do this.” he tried to chase Woohyun away by his completely see-through and impossible-to-fullfil promises he’d clean everything up. He tried.

And Woohyun might have been stupid, but he wasn’t  _that_  stupid. His nagging side had awakened in him, needless to say he got that one dangerously soon after he got together with Sunggyu, and he started pulling Myungsoo out of the bed. Seeing that there was no use in it as Myungsoo effectively did whatever he could to stay in bed, Woohyun took it to threats.

“Get your lazy ass off that bed or I’ll go find a bucket with water and empty it on your damn head.” he threatened in low voice. That, after all, was one of the things Sunggyu taught him through time. And it seemed to work as Myungsoo slowly kicked himself into sitting position again, sighing.

The day _indeed_  was going to be long.

By the afternoon, Woohyun somehow managed to succeed in making Myungsoo look like a human again and the apartment didn’t look that bad either anymore. It wasn’t like Myungsoo cared though. It was more like he found it cute that Woohyun was practically his housemaid for the day just for Sunggyu.

It reminded him of Sungyeol and their times spent together again.

“I promised Gyu-hyung that I’ll take you with me to see him so go and get dressed.” Woohyun called from the kitchen right when Myungsoo stepped out of the bathroom with a towel loosely hanging around his waist.

“I don’t want to.” Myungsoo growled stubbornly. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to see Sunggyu again, but knowing his brother too well, he knew that he’d have to spend the afternoon listening to his endless stream of questions and nags. He had already enough when nag-infected Woohyun showed up.

“Objection rejected.” Woohyun retorted. “You’re going.” he added, coming from the kitchen closer to Myungsoo, who all of sudden looked like kicked puppy. Woohyun softened. He knew that there was too big weight on Myungsoo’s shoulders now and yet he still kept giving him orders from the morning, while the boy silently complied.

“Look, Myung. He misses you. He’s worried sick about you and you can’t blame him. Endure it for once and come with me, okay?” Woohyun pleaded after a while of silence, placing his hand on Myungsoo’s bare shoulder.

“Okay.”

The meeting with Sunggyu didn’t go as bad as Myungsoo had expected, even when Sunggyu nagged like there was no tomorrow. Not to mention that Sunggyu nagged about his new phone that he got from Woohyun when they were on their way there. And even though Myungsoo had been reproached for being impossible, irresponsible and selfish jerk, the boy found himself smiling for the first time in that week that felt like millenium to him. That was something he needed all along. He just didn’t realise it.

A distraction.

To Myungsoo’s surprise, Sunggyu didn’t ask what happened. He was sure Woohyun was going to tell him anyway, therefore Myungsoo just enjoyed his little distraction that was brought to him by those two dorks who were so disgustingly cute that it made Myungsoo want to puke rainbows. But he was grateful. For once, he completely forgot about Sungyeol and just had fun shoving forks with pieces of cake to their throats.

Even though he didn’t know the details, Sunggyu knew that Myungsoo’s behaviour had to do something with the choding; he'd sensed it. And even though he had told Myungsoo not to do anything stupid before,it was more than crystal clear that the boy had done something far beyond stupid.

Aside from that, as Sungyeol was also out of reach, Sunggyu saw the worries plastered all over Woohyun’s face even when the boy tried to hide it. Sungyeol was his best friend after all and worried Woohyun was just a cherry on the top of Sunggyu’s pile of problems.

Sungyeol’s case was different since he did have a spare key, but he didn’t give to anyone. So no matter mow many times Woohyun tried to bang on his door, kick the door in or yell, no one would come and open up, making Woohyun go away with his head down. When he'd tried phone, there was absolutely no chance that Sungyeol would pick up or text back.

It’d been a week since Sungyeol did not hear anything about Myungsoo and in all honesty, the way he lived ever since was even worse than Myungsoo’s. It wasn’t like Sungyeol knew how miserable Myungsoo’s life was though. He didn’t even care anymore. But even so, he still kept the violets Myungsoo brought him last week… Even when they were completely dead, he still kept them.

As well as Myungsoo, he spent nights crying, continuously asking  _why_  did it happen. No one answered him and he himself was almost going crazy because he just couldn’t find out what the hell went wrong. He felt numb. Myungsoo with his face, body and smile already left his mind alone. And along with that Sungyeol lost the ability to feel anything too. At least he thought so.

He’d never felt so drained out of energy, so depressed, so messed up, so  _empty_ …

Everything had left him. The love the two of them shared before faded away through the week when he realised that it wasn’t just a nightmare. With that everything else faded. He wasn’t able to shed any more tears nor let out any more screams. He just wandered everywhere like a ghost, silent and unseen.

Every day since Myungsoo left was the same. Sungyeol would wake up, curse his life, ask what was his purpose on the planet, cry and eventually cry himself to sleep again. Sleep wasn’t the only thing that helped him get away from tiring and cruel reality. There was something else too.

A razor.

Before all this happened, Sungyeol kept saying that he would never do such thing as cutting to himself. But it didn’t matter to him anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. Whenever he re-opened any wound he had on his arms it somehow brought him relief. And pain.

Because feeling pain was better than feeling nothing at all. Because pain just assured him that he was still alive.

  
**_The sun isn't shining, the sky isn't clear._ **

**_There's no silver lining, 'cause you're no longer here._ **

As he walked under the rain back home in the evening, he slowly started to wonder about one thing that made him think if he really finally hadn’t gone crazy. He ignored the raindrops big as golf balls falling on his hair and shoulders sinking into his clothes. He ignored everything and everyone around him. When crossing the road he ignored the red light and just barely escaped death’s arms as the attentive driver braked quickly before he could send Sungyeol straight to hell.

He still didn’t care. Because the thing he was wondering about was if being dead wasn’t actually better than suffering hell on Earth.

His steps were halted only when he bumped into some stranger and fell down on his butt.

“I’m so--“ the boy wanted to apologize, but he was harshly pulled back to his feet by his collar. It took him a while to realise what was going on, but when he did, he found himself being dragged into one of the side darker streets from which it was always better to stay away, if you treasured your life, of course.

Sungyeol didn't care.

He noticed that there were another two men with them. He couldn’t help but scoff at the one who was holding him. Girly features, obvious S-line visible even in the dark, sharp big eyes. The other two looked more like men though. One had dark blue hair, was kind of short, but indeed had a strong build. The second one was a bit taller and gave off scary feeling.

But still, Sungyeol didn't care.

The girly guy loosened his grip on Sungyeol soon and they stood in silence. Sungyeol stared still completely uninterested. What made him stiffen however was the man’s question.

“Do you by any chance know where can we find Kim Myungsoo?” he asked.

The high-pitched voice resonated in Sungyeol’s ear, the question got repeated countless times and caused Sungyeol’s reluctant mind to race. They were looking for Myungsoo.

But why should he care? That bastard had nothing to do with him anyway anymore.

“How am I supposed to know?” he asked back, still uninterested, even when now he actually felt this weird feeling being spread in his chest. “Who are you guys anyway?”

“You don’t need to know that.” the blue-hair chuckled. “So where can we find him?”

“I already told you I don’t know.” Sungyeol defended himself.

“You don’t? Well that’s interesting.” the blue-hair smirked. “Look kid,  _you_  have nothing to do with this, so what about you tell us what we need and we’ll all forget about this?” he suggested then, his sparkling eyes never leaving Sungyeol’s face.

It was Sungyeol’s time to snort. Blue-hair was barely older than him and he still called him ‘kid’ if his height and funny face was anything to go by. They all were around his age, Sungyeol would say that the girly one was maybe younger than him. The looks proved it.

“I don’t know. Are you deaf?” Sungyeol almost shouted.

Suddenly there were fast steps heard from behind the corner near them, as if someone was running from there. Someone, who for sure was tangled in this business was running from there.

That caused the third man chuckle. “Well that’s very interesting indeed.”

Myungsoo was about to leave Sunggyu and Woohyun’s apartment, since it was already late and the sun was already set. He didn’t even notice that it started raining during the day, but he didn’t mind. He waved the couple a bye and slowly retreated away, aiming for his own apartment.

Even though he didn’t want to admit it, he was grateful more than he’d ever been. Even when there was no Sungyeol by his side there, he somehow didn’t feel sad. It was more like the two gave him hope again. Hope that made him feel like he could manage it through and that they could be together with Sungyeol again.

Not even noticing it, he was smiling as he walked, when remembering how much his mood has changed from that day's morning.

It was gradually getting dark, so Myungsoo decided to take it through the park to shorten his way. The was a complex of buildings known for being abandoned, therefore serving as a hideout for gangs and druggies, ahead of the park, but he didn’t really care. As the streetlights got switched on when he stepped inside the park, it somehow calmed him down. He felt familiar butterflies in his stomach when he imagined walking in the dim light under the rain hand in hand with Sungyeol.

He didn’t even notice it and he'd already passed through the park. What startled him however were voices coming from ahead of him. He picked up his pace and let his thoughts slide back to his most likely bright future with Sungyeol. He walked and the voices grew louder. Myungsoo froze only when he recognised one of them.

“I already told you I don’t know.”

That was definitely Sungyeol. Myungsoo was positive about that. Immediately forgetting about going home, he quickly his himself behind a corner and listened to the conversation.

“You don’t? Well that’s interesting…” someone snorted and it set a bug to Myungsoo’s mind right away as he was sure he’s heard the voice before, but he couldn’t remember from where.  “Look kid, you have nothing to do with this, so what about you tell us what we need and we’ll all forget about this?” the man added.

And everything clicked. Memories struck Myungsoo’s mind all at once. ow it all shattered those years ago. How even Sunggyu had to go through this shit just because of him.  _They were here._

They were here for him. To get him. To finish the matters. They were there to make him suffer in worst way possible. And they exaclty knew how to do that.

Myungsoo thought he was going to protect Sungyeol by breaking up with him, but as it seemed it was even worse. It didn’t really matter that the man said they’d leave Sungyeol alone after he’d tell them where he was, because they had never kept their word.

Myungsoo had trusted them once before all the his has happened. They of course lied about everything and went after the boy for long years. Then Sunggyu came to his job and managed to keep them away for the time being thanks to it.

But they were here again.

Myungsoo knew he couldn’t blame it on Sunggyu - his brother had done everything he could for him and Myungsoo was grateful for that. These guys just had to go after him one day again.

Myungsoo’s mind was racing. He wanted to go, punch the bastards in the face, hug Sungyeol and never let him go again. But honestly, that would be the stupidest thing he could do. No… Myungsoo was smart and his brain didn’t betray him even when it was clouded with memories, despair and pain.

He knew exactly what to do. He turned around and ran away from the place as fast as he could  in the opposite direction than he was previously aiming for.

He had to visit Sunggyu once again.

It was only two days later that Sunggyu was again going insane. Except for his usual tons of papers he had to finish until deadline, he was worried about Myungsoo, since the boy wasn’t picking his phone again. Now he couldn’t even send Woohyun to check up on him since he got sick after the previous night when they had ended up in cold shower for few hours together.

Sunggyu couldn’t really blame him. The night was worth it after all.

In all honesty, Sunggyu had no idea what to do. After their meeting two days ago, Myungsoo had come to him again later, just asking for some stuff he’d forgotten in his room. Then he left just as fast as he appeared. It was true that Myungsoo had forgotten some stuff in his room, but when Sunggyu went to the said room later, he found out that the stuff was still there as Myungsoo didn’t take it with him. That evening, Sunggyu just shrugged it off.

Which turned out to be wrong. He should have called Myungsoo instantly, instead of forgetting about it. After two days, he tried calling him again, but no one had picked up. He tried everything. Except for one thing.

There still was Sungyeol, whom they hadn’t tried calling for a while.

Sunggyu was merely sitting on the couch, having sleeping Woohyun sitting in his lap with his back pressed against his chest and hypnotizing his phone. He really thought whether to take the phone and call Sungyeol since the choding was the last ace he had. Only stirring Woohyun made him snap back to reality and actually do something.

He reached his hand out for the phone and dialled Sungyeol’s number within two seconds.

To his surprise, the boy picked up after a while.

“Hey Yeol.” Sunggyu greeted shakily.

 _“Hey hyung.”_  came an equally shaky reply from the younger boy. It was nearly 1am and neither of them sounded really energetic and sudden wave of guilt came over Sunggyu, thinking that he’d woken the choding up.

“Did I wake you up?” he asked immediately.

 _“No, I wasn’t sleeping. What’s up?"_ Sungyeol asked.

Sunggyu sighed before answering. “Look, I know it’s not my business at all and whatever happened between you two shall just stay between you two, but Myungsoo is driving me insane.” he said, already sensing that he’d made Sungyeol uncomfortable.

 _“And?”_  Sungyeol gulped after a while of painful silence, trying to sound uninterested.

“I know it’s too much asking this from you, but could you check up on him? You’re the only one he’d listen to.” Sunggyu said quietly.

_“I doubt that, hyung. He’s the one who left me, remember?”_

“Please Yeol. I know you’re worried about him too.” Sunggyu pleaded.

To that Sungyeol didn’t answer for one reason. Sunggyu was right. No matter how much Sungyeol tried to deny it, he was still deep down worried and curious. No matter how much he wanted to forget and hate Myungsoo for leaving him just like that, he couldn’t. Even with his numb mind, empty shell he called his destroyed body and after the encounter he had with the men two days ago, he just couldn’t.

“Yeol? You there?”

There was another voice talking to him right now. That was Woohyun speaking. Or more like growling thanks to his hoarse and sleepy voice.

_“Hey hyung.”_

“Look, I know you want to know what is going in Myungsoo’s head right now. And I think it’s about time you two talk this out. Think about it.” with that Woohyun ended the call, tossing Sunggyu’s phone to the other side of the couch, making himself comfortable on his lap again. Sunggyu just stared at him in disbelief, which Woohyun seemed to sense even with eyes closed.

“Don’t stare hyung.” he whispered, nuzzling his head to the crook of Sunggyu’s neck, letting out content sigh.

“I hope you know what you’re doing.” Sunggyu sighed too, wrapping his arms around the boy.

“Of course I know. He will check on him. For sure.”

Sungyeol just stared at the screen of his phone go black as the call ended. Snapping back to reality, he'd realised how right Woohyun actually was. Sungyeol wanted to know what made Myungsoo break up with him and he was sure that there was something more in it - there was no denying to that. He wouldn’t act this weird if there wasn’t something bigger in it.

Suddenly Sungyeol had this strange feeling building up in his gut. He tends to overthink things here and there, but this wasn’t overthinking. There was no denying that Sungyeol was smart either and there definitely was something more in this and Sungyeol didn’t like it any.

Something was fishy.

Not thinking about it again, he grabbed his keys and raced out of his house.

Arriving to the apartment complex where Myungsoo lived, he pounded on the door, screaming despite it was long after midnight. But no one came to open the door. Sungyeol tried not to panic. Sunggyu was right when he said that Sungyeol was the only person Myungsoo would listen to. It’d always been like that and it only made Sungyeol worry more as no one came.

In normal situation he would go back home and come back the next day, but this couldn’t have been considered as ‘normal situation’. He prepared his shoulder and after few rough hits, the door flung open loudly.

Only silence followed.

Gulping, Sungyeol stepped into the darkness and silence that lingered in the apartment with wide eyes. He was quite afraid to turn the lights on, but he had to nevertheless. Once he did, nothing suspicious came to his sight. Everything was just as he remembered except one thing. Myungsoo was nowhere in his sight.

Sungyeol marched to his room, but he wasn’t there either. He tried kitchen, no one was there either. There was just a vase with a wilted rose. That rose Sungyeol gave him about nine days before. The boy smiled bitterly at the sight, but his heart hadn’t stopped racing. The only room he wasn’t in yet was bathroom.

It was quite unlikely for Myungsoo to be there, but it was worth a try, right?

However, the door to bathroom was destroyed. Sungyeol’s insides made a flip. Something was wrong. He carefully pushed the door and looked inside the room.

What greeted him once he switched the lights on made his feet freeze on spot.

 

**_Roses are red, violets are blue._ **

**_Sugar is sweet and perhaps so are you._ **

****

Blood. It was like a flood on the floor. Little streams were still coming out from their source on Myungsoo’s wrists… And Sungyeol couldn’t move.

 

**_But the roses have wilted, the violets are dead,_ **

**_the sugar bowl’s empty, your wrists are stained red._ **

****

Silence. Nothing but deafening silence was filling the apartment as Sungyeol’s legs gave out under him and the boy fell on his knees, unable to let out a mere cry. He shakily crawled to Myungsoo’s almost transparent body, almost forgetting how to breathe.  _This just couldn’t be true._

He slowly took Myungsoo’s lifeless face to his hands, scanning his still beautiful features. He looked peaceful. As if he was just sleeping. That was the point when the tears which the boy was somehow holding in the whole time started to spill, just like the rain mixed with snow outside that grew stronger with every minute.

****

**_Rain keeps on pouring, there’s no end in sight._ **

**_You’re lying there frozen, so far from the light._ **

****

Sungyeol cried. He cried so much that except for hugging Myungsoo’s pale body to his chest, he couldn’t do anything else. He couldn’t even beg Myungsoo to wake up. He couldn’t get up and do something. All he could do was just sit there, suffer from greatest pain he had ever experienced and cry over the most beautiful violet he’s ever seen _._  The most beautiful violet he’d ever laid his hand on was  _dead_.

****

**_Your beauty’s unreal, your smile’s the sun._ **

**_But time can’t be turned, nor your actions undone._ **

****

**_I wanted to hold you, wipe the tear from your eye._ **

**_Be there the moment you said your goodbye._ **

****

Sungyeol felt terrible. Guilt, despair, instant desire to go after Myungsoo right away mixed all together in him. His blood was if it stopped flowing. He slowly scanned the body he held and his eyes stopped on Myungsoo’s left hand. There was something in it. Shaking, Sungyeol reached out his hand to take the paper from the boy’s frozen grip.

It was stained red, just like Myungsoo’s whole hand, but still nicely folded. It had ‘Sungyeol’ written on its cover in familiar handwriting that only Myungsoo possessed. Sungyeol’s heart started to race again as he noticed his name there. And he opened it.

 

**_The words that you wrote, that only I read:_ **

**_“I love you so much, please don’t cry when I’m dead.”_ **

****

_[Two weeks after Myungsoo’s death]_

After what had seemed like another century to Sungyeol, his phone rang again telling him he should get up. The boy reluctantly hit the thing, shutting it up. Another night was gone. Another night full of staring into a wall or ceiling thinking about nothing was gone. Sleep wasn’t coming for him even when he tried to lure it with alcohol and pills. It wouldn’t come even if he cried his eyes out, even if he threw a tantrum. Even if he begged, sleep wouldn’t come and take him away.

Being half-conscious was the only thing he could call sleep in his condition. Whenever he was finally about to slip into lala land, his feet just wouldn’t tear apart from reality and keep him partly conscious. Surviving like that, Sungyeol barely had the strength to move around, but he did.

Even though it might not seem like it, Sungyeol did leave his house every day, about an hour after his alarm went off. Because of his closed curtains, he didn’t even know and care when it was day and when night. Hence the alarm. Every day, once he returned from his ‘outing’, he would lock himself up again, waiting for another day to come.

He didn’t even count days anymore. Every minute felt like an hour, every hour like a year, every day like a decade, every night like a century. All the time, Myungsoo wouldn’t leave his mind. He could see his smile everywhere. He could hear his laughter. He could hear him whispering apologies and confessions of love.

And if going insane meant that he'd see the younger again, then Sungyeol certainly wouldn’t mind being crazy.

He felt disgusted by his own life as there was this little voice inside his head saying that Myungsoo is gone because of him. Saying that fault stood on his side again. Every single day, he tried to escape. He tried to take his life away just like his beloved did. He tried. And failed every time. Even though he wanted to go, there still was one thing that kept him away from it. And that was the desire to know the real story hiding behind everything.

Just like every other day since that fateful night, the boy was dressed up within few seconds, ready to go out. Checking his neat suit for the last time in the mirror, he fixed his shirt underneath the jacket and headed out.

He still remembered that night, even though he’d rather sell his soul to satan than remembering that. Only Woohyun came when he called them that night since Sunggyu apparently was too tired and didn’t even wake up when his phone rang. Sungyeol was grateful to have Woohyun there since he himself wouldn’t be able to handle everything. Needless to say that Woohyun shed his share of tears also once he arrived to the scene.

Sungyeol hadn’t talked with Sunggyu at all. He expected Woohyun to tell him about everything and he could clearly imagine how Sunggyu broke down after hearing that his brother killed himself. But at least he had Woohyun there to comfort him and to tell him that everything will be alright. Sungyeol had no one. He went through the nightmare alone.

Despite the sun that hit his face the moment he stepped out of his house, he didn’t feel the warmth. Despite the freezing wind that was pinching his cheeks harshly, he didn’t feel anything. Almost hesitantly he went down the street; the exact same street he ran down when he was late for his date with Myungsoo. And memories started to come. Just like every other day since that night.

_“It better be something important. I was busy, you know?” Sungyeol pouted jokingly, staring at his best friend, full of anticipation. In all honesty, he wasn’t busy at all, he was just playing it cool. Besides that, Myungsoo really did look nervous that evening._

_“S-sorry…” the boy apologized, not daring to look the other in the eye. He’d been wanting to confess to Sungyeol for few weeks already and when he'd finally kicked himself to do it, he felt like backing off again. But then again, if it was to work, he wouldn’t have to plan everything all over again. Yeah, he couldn’t back up._

_“So? What’s up?” Sungyeol asked._

_Myungsoo’s mouth opened as he finally wanted to confess but his voice got somehow stuck in his throat and no words came out. Panic overtook his features as his eyes widened. Somehow, Sungyeol found that very amusing._

_“Forgot how to talk?” he chuckled, abruptly standing up. “It’s okay, Myung. You can tell me next time.” he added and was about to go._

_Myungsoo however wasn’t really determined to let the choding go just like that, therefore he stood up as well, grabbing his wrist and pulling back. What happened then however was clearly something he did not expect. Sungyeol had long legs and being the clumsy creature he was, he tripped over his own feet as Myungsoo pulled him back._

_They ended up on the floor of Myungsoo’s room, Sungyeol on top of Myungsoo, lips locked._

_After all, Myungsoo’s confession didn’t need words._

Recalling that, Sungyeol didn’t smile nor cry. He kept on walking, facial expression unchanged. Passing by families with grinning children and happy couples in love, he couldn’t help but feel envious. They were happy. Nothing in their life was missing. They had bright future ahead.

Sungyeol had nothing ahead. He had no one to tell him everything was going to be okay, no one to give him good night kiss, no one to have future with. Not even that thought sent tears to his eyes. He even thought nothing could make him cry anymore. He had no tears left after he shed them for the one and only person who deserved them.

 

**_I want to forget, but most times I don’t._ **

**_I want to let go, but I know that I won’t._ **

Soon he arrived to the place he was aiming for. He pushed the door open, spotting a familiar face few feet ahead of him him. Just like the previous day and the day before, he was sure that the nice girl behind the counter at the florist’s was awaiting him. 

He just nodded at her as soon as she noticed him and knowingly, she quickly disappeared behind the flowers, getting Sungyeol his usual order. She came back within a minute and handed Sungyeol the rose. The boy was just about to give her the money, when she stopped him.

“You don’t have to, sir. I owe you one.” she smiled, clearly remembering the time when Sungyeol bought her one rose as well. “You’re coming for these every day. The person for whom they are is definitely lucky to have you.“ she added.

Sungyeol was quite shocked, but nodded nevertheless. “Thank you.” he almost whispered, before heading out of the shop.

He continued walking, observing the rose as if curiously. It was going to be long time before he’d reach his destination, but the time flew pretty fastly as he kept pondering the girl’s words all the time. He walked over an hour before finally reaching the graveyard.

Any other person would take a cab or a bus to be there faster, but Sungyeol was not any other person. He liked being with Myungsoo in his imaginary world while he let his long legs take him where he wanted. Even if it was just for a mere second, he would forgive about everything that had happened. About the fact that Myungsoo was no longer by his side. About the fact that he had no longer someone to live for.

He had never really understood what fascinated Myungsoo about roses that much. That was until he brought the flower closer to his face and let the scent make its way to his nose as he inhaled. He knew how roses smelled before, but this time it was somehow different. It was strong and soft at the same time. Heavy and light at the same time.

Sungyeol had to smile. Roses were just like Myungsoo. Beautiful yet dangerous at the same time. He walked towards the boy’s grave, placing the rose right next to the one he brought the day before.

“Hey there, Myung.” he smiled. “I brought you another one. Just to make sure you have enough of them wherever you are.” he added then, before walking closer to the gravestone, unconsciously tracing the golden letters with his fingers. “I miss you, you know?” he whispered. “Do you know what I was told today? That you’re lucky to have me... Can you believe that? How can you be lucky to have  _me_ , Myung? How? I couldn’t protect you… I will never stop regretting that I never cared about you as much as you did about me. If I did… maybe it would be all different now… I’m so sorry, baby… Wherever you are, wait for me there.”

Sungyeol closed his eyes for a moment, hoping for the sudden immensely painful feeling in his chest to go away. He knew that feeling very well. Everytime he stood here, in front of Myungsoo’s grave, he felt it. Guilt and sorrow. Mixed together, spreading in his body like a plague.

 _‘Crying would help.’_  he thought bitterly, biting his lip. But where was he supposed to get tears? How was he supposed to let everything out? It was suffocating him, cutting him off needed oxygen as he wanted to cry so bad, however nothing but coughs he choked on came out.

He even struggled to look at his phone when it suddenly went off. He managed to do it after he started to breathe normally again. Blinking fastly at the screen, he assured himself that it was unmistakably Woohyun who was calling him. Quite taken aback, he hesitantly picked up.

“Hello..?” he called quietly, waiting for a response.

 _“Hey, Yeollie.”_  came Woohyun’s reply. Apparently, Sungyeol wasn’t the only one who wasn’t over it at all as Woohyun’s voice also sounded destroyed and sad.  _“How are you?”_  he asked then.

“That’s a stupid question, hyung.” Sungyeol answered quietly with slight scepticism dripping from his words. “What about you? And Sunggyu-hyung?”

 _“That’s why I am calling you. Can you come over?”_  Woohyun asked.

“That’s a bit…” Sungyeol bit his lip. An instant inward battle started within him. Sungyeol wasn’t the type to really  _solve_  problems and he wasn’t in mood to talk to anyone, even if that someone was supposed to be Sunggyu or Woohyun. Or both. On the other hand, Woohyun sounded kind of urgent so something definitely must have happened. Somehow his inner angel took over as the boy sighed in defeat. “Okay, I’ll be there.” he said and ended the call.

He didn’t care as he would at any other time though. Without Myungsoo, there was nothing for him to do and if coming over to Sunggyu and Woohyun’s would help them, then he should be glad that there still were people who needed him. He should be glad that he still had some purpose.

“I will come again, Myung. I love you.” he whispered before standing up from his knees and slowly leading his steps towards a bus station.

The three of them sat in the living room of Sunggyu and Woohyun’s apartment in complete, heavy silence. They were like that for nearly fifteen minutes since Sungyeol’s arrival. None of them knew what to say as they hadn’t practically talked to each other after the incident two weeks before. That was until Sunggyu abruptly stood up from Woohyun’s side and rushed to Sungyeol, pulling the tall boy up to his feet and throwing his arms around him.

Woohyun watched the two in silence. He didn’t even want to know how both of them felt; it was enough that he saw it on Sunggyu, how destroyed he was. It took his boyfriend three days before he was again able to talk as he just and only cried for those three days before. Not that Woohyun’s condition was any better since he was the one to take care of things then. He managed to explain the situation to Sunggyu’s boss and surprisingly, the guy understood everything and left Sunggyu alone for the time being.

For those mere weeks, Woohyun always kept it cool when Sunggyu needed a shoulder to cry on - which was most of the time. But when Sunggyu slept it was Woohyun’s turn to cry it all out. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to cry when Sunggyu was awake, because he wanted to cry  _all the time_ , but he just assumed that Sunggyu is already messed up enough and that it would just cause him more worries if he saw that Woohyun was in way worse condition than he actually showed.

Starting from the previous day Sunggyu’d been acting weird and that was something that creeped Woohyun out. He has stopped crying and he didn’t talk. At all. When it was needed, he would utter a few words, such as ‘good night’ or ‘good morning’ accompanied by a kiss, but he didn’t really talk. Woohyun couldn’t deny the fact that he missed the old times. He wanted to make the time run forwards and let everything be over. Woohyun had sensed something which was partly the reason why he called Sungyeol over.

Apparently, Sunggyu had something to tell them both.

“Wh-what is going on, hyung?” Sungyeol asked softly as he was released from the hug.

“How have you been?” Sunggyu asked just as quietly, completely ignoring the previous question.

Sungyeol stared for a moment, really pondering what to say. He didn’t even know how he has been. Broken? Useless? Alone? Worthless? Guilty? Empty? He didn’t know. Maybe he didn’t feel any of those. Maybe he felt nothing.

Though he really had to admit, as he looked at the hamster’s face, he immediately understood what made Woohyun call him. Sunggyu looked different from before. As if he was weighed with something else than loads of papers and Woohyun’s overly cute aegyo for a long time. This was something he needed to let out.

“Surviving.” Sungyeol said briefly, with a faint smile. “You?”

“Terrible.” Sunggyu looked down. “I can’t even tell you how sorry I am, Yeollie. I still think that I should’ve done something… Maybe he would be here with us today…” his voice died down with a light sob.

“Come here, baby.” came Woohyun’s voice from the side along with his extended hand, which Sunggyu gladly took. He made himself comfortable on his boyfriend’s lap, immediately having a pair of arms circling around his waist from behind.

They fell to silence again as Sunggyu nervously played with Woohyun’s fingers, thinking where should he start as there was too many things he wanted to say. Too many things Woohyun and Sungyeol didn’t know even though they had the right to. It was time to expose what was hiding behind the mask of that ‘unimportant family bussines’ as he'd always called it whenever Woohyun asked what was going on.

“There are things you need to know. I want to find out what drove him to… do that and I think you do too.” he started. “You both know that Myungsoo and I had the same mother, but different fathers. My father left our mum even before Myungsoo was born - not that I remember, she told me once. Then Myungsoo’s father came to us and I suddenly had a brother. But after our mum passed away when Myungsoo was four, everything went down with us.”

“What happened?” Sungyeol asked.

“Apparently, Myungsoo’s father got himself involved with loan sharks. We both knew that, yet we were both unable to do anything since I was barely in second grade of elementary school and Myungsoo wasn’t even five. We were then thrown into an orphanage as he couldn’t take care of us anymore. After I turned seventeen, I took Myungsoo and we escaped the orphanage one night. We were wandering for many days, sleeping on streets, sometimes kind people would let us in and sleep at their place.” Sunggyu explained. “We tried to return home, but it seemed that completely different people lived there by that time.”

“I thought you both went to college? I mean, you couldn’t possibly go to school in situation like that.” Woohyun raised his eyebrow in confusion.

“We did. How do you think I got this job, silly. We were lucky, I guess. We found this one completely abandoned, but still neat apartment in the outskirts. No one seemed to care about it, so we stayed there. We found ourselves part-time jobs and I sent Myungsoo to high school while I skipped to senior year. It took over a year before we could afford our own apartment, but we managed. Only after that we were able to start with college.”

Woohyun’s mouth formed into an ‘o’ shape as he understood. He already felt bad when he realised what the two of them have been through. And he never knew even though he had asked Sunggyu and somehow he had this feeling that there still were many facts to come.

“After I finished college I got this job. Myungsoo dropped out, but found himself a job too. It didn’t take me long before I found out that Myungsoo’s father was also dead. I heard two of my colleagues talking about it, but they never said what happened to him. However after Myungsoo came home one evening, completely beaten up with blood flowing from almost every spot on his body, it clicked. I’m more than positive that those bastards who had business with Myungsoo’s father went after Myungsoo after they found out that the man was dead.

Meanwhile, you two came. I managed to keep those guys away from Myungsoo for few years thanks to the job I have, since they weren’t exactly the best example of innocence. They robbed few banks, even held little children as hostages persuading their parents to pay. After Myungsoo started to date you, Yeol, and after you two made me and this fool realise we actually love each other I almost forgot about everything.”

“And then something happened… right?” Sungyeol guessed hesitantly. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know what actually happened. He was afraid he’d find out about something that made his Myungsoo hurt even more. That it was something that drove him to committing suicide.

“Yeah. Those bastards were released and I wasn’t able to do anything. It was about a month ago. For a while I thought they would let everything go and continue their bussiness somewhere else, but it didn’t happen. I immediately let Myungsoo know and knowing his personality, I knew he already started to think how to run away from them. Then again, he would have to tell you about everything and he was scared that you’d leave him because of it. I even hired a guy to spy on those pricks to see how fast they are in searching for Myungsoo. Unfortunately, it seemed that the head of them wasn’t stupid enough to get spied on, as he apparently used some of his flunkeys I didn’t know to hunt Myungsoo down. Therefore I completely lost the track. But they were fast for sure.

Myungsoo asked me for an advice one evening. I told him that disappearing would be the best option for him - which was true, but he wouldn’t leave everything here just like that. He wouldn’t give those guys whatever they wanted even if it cost him his own life and because of that, he was worried. Worried that if they won’t get what they want the easy way that it would go the hard way. Hard way meaning that they’d go after you, Yeol. And Myungsoo naturally was worried about you. That’s why he broke up with you - to protect you. At least I think so.

That’s basically everything I know… What I don’t understand is why it has come to  _this_.” Sunggyu exhaled deeply, not daring to look either of the boys in the eye. He felt Woohyun’s arms around his waist tightening as well as the pierce stare Sungyeol has been giving him since the very beginning of his explanation.

Silence fell on them again. It felt like a millenium to Sunggyu as the worst scenarios of upcoming happening flew to his head. Now Sungyeol could hate him, Woohyun could leave him. Just because he was an irresponsible selfish asshole. He could have sent his boss to hell along with his damn papers and who knows, he could have done something that would stop Myungsoo from committing suicide. Neither of the two was saying anything and Sunggyu just couldn’t wait anymore. He sensed that Woohyun had kind of relaxed; what really troubled him was Sungyeol.

He peered from behind his hair that slightly covered his eyes, just to see the choding barely keeping himself together. He was shaking. It was visible even when the boy was sitting.

“Yeol…” Sunggyu called quietly, not moving an inch.

He watched as the boy bit his lip and clenched his fists tightly when trying to fight the tears. He watched him and he buried his face in his still clenched hands mumbling almost inaudible words. He watched him as he stood up, nearly pulling his up and screaming in frustration. He watched him as he turned to him and Woohyun with a faint smile, whilst tears were falling from his eyes.

“Sungyeol, I--“

“I’ve met many idiots in my life.” Sungyeol interrupted the elder. “But Myungsoo was definitely the biggest idiot I’ve  _ever_  met.”

Even though the three of them were determined to find out what really happened, they somehow got stuck. They couldn’t think of any possible way where to start. Even after Sungyeol told them about the little encounter he had with those three men the other evening. Sunggyu and Woohyun weren’t really surprised by that; what surprised them was the fact that they let Sungyeol go without any harm.

“What do we do?” Woohyun muttered to himself, still trying to figure out something. Even the slightest detail could help. He knew they were overlooking something. And this something was definitely the key.

And then it clicked.

“Hey Gyu, remember that evening when Myungsoo came again?” he called from the kitchen where he was preparing tea.

“You mean the one when he said he forgot his stuff?” Sunggyu called back. He didn’t really see Woohyun’s point at first, but then something started to form inside his head. He recalled that evening slowly and truth to that, he clearly remembered Myungsoo coming back, saying he’d forgotten something in there. He clearly remembered that the stuff Myungsoo has allegedly forgotten was still there even after the boy left.

“Yeah…” Woohyun came to the living room, nodding slightly. He glanced at the clock, noticing it was already 5pm. They spent whole day thinking and now they had maybe finally found something.

Sunggyu abruptly stood up and marched quickly to his room, leaving Woohyun and Sungyeol alone.

“Mind telling me what this is about?” Sungyeol asked, eyeing Woohyun curiously.

So Woohyun explained everything starting from the beginning of that day. Sungyeol just nodded here and there as he listened carefully. After hearing how Woohyun explained the condition Myungsoo was in after they broke up, he wanted to cry again. He didn’t even want to imagine how hard it must have been for Myungsoo to leave him even though he still loved him.

As Woohyun talked, Sungyeol started to feel more and more disgusted by his own life. When he remembered how he cursed Myungsoo after he broke up with him, when he remembered how he desperately wanted to hate him, it made him feel nauseous. Now when he found out that Myungsoo did all of that for  _him_ , to protect him he wanted to dig himself a hole, crawl in and die.

Meanwhile, Sunggyu returned from his room, smirking mischievously.

“Did you find something?” Sungyeol asked, getting a little excited. maybe they were finally able to find out something.

“I went through the copy of the loan sharks’ folder.” Sunggyu said. “And the information about their previous residence is gone.”

“Wait a second.” Sungyeol interrupted. “You have this stuff at home?”

“Of course I do. I would live in my office if I didn’t bring work home.” Sunggyu answered.

“Oh…” Sungyeol nodded. “So if I got it right, you think my Myung went to them alone, right? Sorry hyung, but that doesn’t make sense.”

“Sungyeol, in all honesty, has Myungsoo ever made sense?”

Half an hour later, the three found themselves standing in front of a house, which was supposed to be the place where the bastards lived. Sunggyu was the type of a person who always had unnecessary ten copies of everything, so finding the adress again wasn’t really a hard task. The house didn’t look so big, Woohyun wondered how could such a bunch of loan sharks have a residence right there - if they still had it there, that was.

Sunggyu checked the adress twice, before knocking on the door. He felt a bit scared of what was waiting for them behind but fear was nothing compared to the determination he felt. Plus, there was also a possibility that they didn’t even live there anymore, but Sunggyu - for the sake of his surprisingly still sane mind - rather didn’t acknowledge that.

They waited for a while, but no one came to open the door. Sunggyu tried again, this time louder. The door soon cracked open, revealing a short man with blue hair. Sungyeol’s eyes widened seeing him there as well as the man’s. Neither of them certainly had expected to see each other at such place. Blue hair’s facial expression then changed from surprised to a kind of  _happy_  one within a second, as he turned to the hallway.

“Hey! Look who’s here!” he shouted further to the house, accompanying it with a fit of quite maniacal laughter.

Sunggyu and Woohyun just stared at Sungyeol, who seemed to be just as surprised as them.

“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…” a groan from the hallway came as another man came to their sight. There was one interesting point about this man that Sungyeol didn’t notice before. From head to toe, he was dressed in purple.  _Purple_. “What do you want? I thought you already got what you wanted.” he glared at Sungyeol.

“W-What?” Sungyeol stammered out as he had totally no idea what this guy was talking about.

“I don’t want to interrupt you, but it’s fucking cold so you can either go in and ask what you want or get the hell out.” came third, a lot higher-pitched voice from the inside. Sungyeol recognised that voice almost immediately.

Sungyeol, Woohyun and Sunggyu exchanged confused glances and went hesistantly inside, following the purple guy. As they walked through the house, they couldn’t keep their mouths closed, as they kept staring at the interior and their jaws kept dropping. They definitely got decieved by the house’s outer appearance as the inside of it was completely different. Even though it was all in Victorian style, there wasn’t much of the furniture and it looked completely mesmerizing. Even the arrangement of it was neat.

They were led into a huge living room where on a luxurious leather sofa the third man sat, casually flipping pages of the book he held. Noticing the guests he put the book away and sat properly, letting his two colleagues sit beside him.

“What do you want?” he asked, his voice was almost making Woohyun with Sunggyu wonder if he was really a man. He looked exceptionally young for this job and in Sunggyu’s honest opinion he was still younger than twenty. And it was for sure that young kids like that should still go to school.

“What business did you have with Kim Myungsoo?” Woohyun asked firmly, scanning the three men in front of him.

“Us?” the purple guy chuckled. “We didn’t have  _any_  business with him.”

“What business did your boss have with Myungsoo?” Sunggyu asked again, specifying the question.

“We don’t know anything about that. We just had to bring him.” the blue hair answered. “Does any of these matter? He’s dead, isn’t he?” he asked, as if he really had to make sure.

Of course Myungsoo was dead…

“I still don’t get what’s your problem.” the girly guy spoke up. “Do you think we know the reason why he killed himself? When you” -he pointed at Sungyeol- “gave us the address one night, we went there and found him already dead.”

“What do you mean that I gave you the address?!” Sungyeol exploded. He’d been holding the anger inside him for long enough and this apparently was the last drop. Only the fact they were doing such a dirty job was unbelievable enough and they even had the gut to say that  _he_  helped them to find Myungsoo?

“Don’t play dumb, man.” the purple guy sighed.

“How could have I given you his address when I’ve never been at this place?!” Sungyeol shouted, feeling Woohyun’s hand on his shoulder.

“Then what is this?” the blue hair handed Sungyeol small, a bit crumpled envelope. Sungyeol shakily took it and took the paper out. His eyes went wide instantly. Without doubt, there was written Myungsoo’s address and there was even ‘Sungyeol’ written as a signature. What surprised Sungyeol though, was not the address, not even the signature.

But the  _handwriting_.

The address and the signature definitely were not written by Sungyeol’s hand. Much to his terror, Sungyeol knew the handwriting pretty well. It was Myungsoo’s. Sungyeol didn’t know what to think. Myungsoo couldn’t possibly bring them his own address, right? And if he did, then why did he make them think it was Sungyeol who did it?

“This…” he whispered, still incredulously staring at the paper in his hands. Without another word then, he turned around and stormed out of the house within few seconds, sobbing lightly. He was so confused and his mind finally refused to work. It was getting more and more twisted and nothing made sense to him anymore. He lost it.

“Yeol! Yah!” Woohyun shouted after him, but the choding didn’t stop his long legs. “I’m going after him, just in case he decides to do something stupid.” he said then, quickly pecking Sunggyu’s lips and setting off after the choding.

As Sunggyu was left alone with the three he looked at them and felt a bit amused. They were genuinely surprised. It was written all over their faces. He didn’t say anything, instead he thought why in seventh hell would Myungsoo bring them after himself and make it look like it was Sungyeol.

 An unpleasant thought made its way to Sunggyu’s mind after a while. He didn’t like it, but it made sense.

He sighed, turning to the three. “I guess I'll take my leave. Just for you to be sure, Sungyeol really wasn’t the one who gave you that envelope.” he said and left the house.

Once he stepped out of the house, he looked around himself, trying to spot the two somewhere. Unfortunately, they were nowhere in his sight. He slowly walked towards their apartment then, even when it was good two hours away by foot. There still was this one thought teasing his mind. It made sense. But there was one piece of the puzzle missing. Sunggyu wasn’t sure and he didn’t like it. He needed that last piece to be 100% sure.

Without thinking about it much, after about twenty minutes of walking, he dialled Woohyun’s number.

 _“Hey Gyu.”_  Woohyun said.

“Have you found him?” Sunggyu asked softly.

 _“Yeah, he didn’t make it far. Don’t worry.”_  Woohyun replied.

“Okay… I think it would be better if he slept at our place tonight…” Sunggyu said, sighing. He had this little premonition that if Sungyeol stayed alone for the night, he would do something stupid. Something similar to following Myungsoo to heaven.

_“Yup, we’re going there right now.”_

“Okay, I’ll see you home then. I love you.” Sunggyu said, smiling a bit to himself.

_“I love you too.”_

The very next morning the missing piece of puzzle was found.

Sunggyu woke up earlier than he usually did and after he'd wiggled from Woohyun’s death grasp without waking him up, he found Sungyeol crying in the living room. He immediately rushed to hug the boy.

“H-hyung…” Sungyeol sobbed loudly, burying his face to Sunggyu’s chest.

Sunggyu couldn’t do anything else than to just soothingly pat Sungyeol's back, whispering to let everything out. He silently asked God why did they have to go through it, what had they done to deserve it, because it was so painful to see how they all slowly broke down. How they were falling apart. The night before, he woke up hearing Woohyun sobbing. The very next morning he found Sungyeol letting his heart out. He himself cried rivers in the previous few days. It was just so unfair…

As he hugged the tall boy, it didn’t take him long to notice that he clutched something to his chest.

“What do you have there, Yeol?” he asked carefully, with as much concern as possible.

Without words, Sungyeol shakily handed Sunggyu the item in his hands. It was a folded piece of paper, wearing an interesting shade of red. Sunggyu looked closely at it, noticing what it was written there. It had ‘Sungyeol’written on one side. He opened it, gulping.

**“I love you so much, please don’t cry when I’m dead.”**

Sunggyu bit his lip to fight back tears. He didn’t even have to ask and he knew that Sungyeol found this the night he found Myungsoo. There was something else on that paper though, because of which, he assumed, Sungyeol cried right now. Under the first sentence, there was another one written in much smaller letters.

**“They won’t get either of us.”**

“Oh my god…” Sunggyu exhaled, finally failing when trying to hold back the tears. He hugged Sungyeol even tighter, crying with him.

Sunggyu was finally sure.

Myungsoo gave the envelope containing his address with Sungyeol’s signature to those guys. That was for sure. He did it because he knew they wouldn’t go after Sungyeol if they knew  _Sungyeol_  was the one who handed them the information.

Sunggyu was now sure and it hurt him more than he expected.

Myungsoo was doing  _everything_  for Sungyeol.

_[A week later]_

“As usual, sir?”

“Yes, please.”

Sungyeol waited for the girl to bring him his usual blood-like rose again. However he wasn’t heading to the graveyard as usual. Sunggyu and Woohyun were waiting for him outside in the car.

The previous week he spent with them helped him a lot. They were there for him whenever he needed, just like they were there for each other. And tried to be there for them too. It seemed to work as they tried their best not to fall apart, not to break down. They still cried, they still felt bad. But with the support they gave each other, the amount of tears was lessening every day.

_“He wanted you to live, Yeol. So live for you both.”_

That was what Woohyun told him few days before. And he never felt more grateful he had someone like him and Sunggyu. It almost drove him to tears again that he was thinking about it again.

“Sir?” the girl waved her tiny hand in front of Sungyeol’s face, smiling warmly.

“Uh… I’m sorry.” Sungyeol said sheepishly, making her giggle.

“Here you go.” she handed him the flower. “If you don’t mind me asking… You love that person really much, right?” she smiled then, blushing a bit.

“Yes, I do.” Sungyeol smiled back, waved at her and left the shop. He hopped to the car, where the couple has been waiting for him.

“Before we go, let me tell you this, Yeollie.” Woohyun grinned at the choding. “Myungsoo and you… You really deserved each other.”

“Thanks, hyung.” Sungyeol smiled. “Let’s go.” There was nothing else than a pure gratitude oozing from his tall frame. Gratitude and love he felt for the two who were more than a family to him right now.

Woohyun nodded and sped off towards Myungsoo’s apartment.

The moment Sungyeol stepped in, he felt a familiar atmosphere lingering in there. It wasn’t sad or depressing. It was something you couldn’t describe with words. You couldn’t put your finger on it or embrace it. Even though the apartment was completely empty as everything was moved out already, it was as if part of Myungsoo stayed there. He was still there with him.

For the last time Sungyeol walked through the apartment and memories flew to his head. The living room where they fell asleep almost every night during their movie marathons. The kitchen where they often cooked together when stealing sweet kisses from one another. Myungsoo’s bedroom where they spent their most beautiful nights. And the bathroom where he found his beloved one that night and their fairytale ended.

He had it all engraved in his memory and he knew he’d never forget about anything they had together. He didn’t even notice how his cheeks became damp again when he remembered everything. He didn’t even know why he cried. Walking back to the front door, he placed the rose down on the floor, still observing it lovingly.

“There you have another one, Myung.” he said and closed the door for the last time, leaving the rose inside. Then he went down the stairs, heading to the car where again the two waited for him patiently.

It was time to let go.

For some people, letting go meant the same as forgetting. This didn’t go for Sungyeol. Every rose wilts after some time, just like every violet dies. Every fairytale ends and if there is some ‘happily ever after’, then Sungyeol with Myungsoo were not lucky enough to experience it. Sungyeol didn’t complain though. He was grateful for that limited time he spent with Myungsoo and treasured every memory he had.

With still watery eyes he exhaled deeply and left the past behind him.

 

**_Tears on my face, memories burned in my head,_ **

**_the roses have wilted, the violets are dead._ **


	2. Vanilla Salt (SY/SJ)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the society is the sharpener.

 

They said that everyone was beautiful.

They said that the society was ugly, not us.

Lee Sungjong though, never had a single problem with the society for one simple reason. He avoided it and never encountered with it. He ignored it and the society ignored him. He was the dark one among the white, the silent one among the loud and the invisible one among the bold.

He was the type to always watch and observe from afar. Watching groups of friends hanging out after their classes and couples in love heading for their date, he never felt the urge to experience something like that.  He knew the rules that the society had made and that was enough.

‘Happiness and love are nothing.‘

He always thought that as those twenty long years of his life as if passed him by. During that time, he never felt genuinely happy or loved. Because he simply didn’t know what it felt like. His parents loved him, yes, but that was different. They bought him presents, but he never felt utterly happy about those. They hugged him, but he never felt or said anything. They said they loved him and he said it back, but never really felt anything more than just weak delight.

Lee Sungjong did not remember much from his childhood. He remembered going to the kindergarten, he remembered all the ladies his parents hired to babysit him while they were away taking care of their family business. And that was it. Sungjong was always told to focus on studying well so he could inherit the company.

And so he studied.

_“You need to study hard and listen to your mummy and daddy well, do you understand me, Sungjongie?”_

They always told him that. Being just a small child who was always led to listen to people, he understood and listened. Frankly speaking, it was as if he got brainwashed. Literally. He always watched those people in school just  _laughing_  together, yet he never found out about the beauty of laughter. He never saw the use of it, never experienced that tickling feeling in the stomach you get whenever you laugh.

Though, it was true that he was one of those who got used to things easily. Such as, when his parents stayed home for a longer periosd of time, he would get used to them and then have hard time when they’d be leaving again. Sometimes even few days were enough for him to get used to things. And then of course, he’d have problems of letting them go if they were not permanent, that was.

That however did not apply to people. Because he had never talked to anyone and no one had talked to him.

The word ‘friend’ was an unknown term for him and the whole ‘socialising with other people’ process meant just another useless thing in the world to him.

They said that everyone was beautiful.

They said that the society was ugly, not us.

Lee Sungyeol couldn’t agree more with this saying. He loved people no matter how they looked and people loved him. Though he knew that life could be a bitch at times, he laughed at it. Though he knew that the society they all lived in never was a brilliant example of impartiality and equality, he dealt with it his way.

Knowing the rules the society had unconsciously made for everyone, he honestly didn’t give a damn. It was his life and he lived it the way he wanted. Being the type to always shoved his nose into everything, he knew about everything around him even when it concerned people he didn’t know or care about. Being the type who was always carefree and optimistic, you could never see a single tear coming from his eye or a frown forming on his face. There was just that gummy smile you could never get sick of.

‘Happiness and love are everything.‘

He always considered that as his motto. If you had love, it didn’t matter much what else you had. If you’ were happy, the rest of the world could just go and jump off a cliff. He did literally everything to achieve fun. He was rebelious to his parents, best buddy to his troublemaker friends, taking school as just and only another torture he has to go through before jumping on his cloud made of coffee foam and living there laughing his ass off every single day.

Sungyeol’s family wasn’t anyhow rich, nor well-known. His parents supported him in whatever he wanted to do - though skipping school and teasing younger students was an exception. Despite the troubles he made at school, deep down Sungyeol was diligent. And his parents knew that even without checking up on him every five minutes.

Therefore, they did their best to make sure Sungyeol along with his younger brother had the best childhood they could ever have. Sungyeol remembered everything and tresured everything from that time since they always told him to do so, because _“things will never be that easy again.”_

The word ‘friend’ meant everything to him and the whole ‘socialising with other people’ process was just another term to describe his life.

It was the very beginning of May when something rather unexpected happened in the life of always invisible and unnoticed Lee Sungjong.

It was just another day when he was forced to watch groups of people heading towards free sunny afternoon together after their classes ended. Sun was burning invisible holes to everyone’s back whilst the wind played with everyone’s hair. Pink petals were falling from trees and even Lee Sungjong could smell that thing other people called  _‘love’_  in the air.

It was just another day he would spend studying locked in his room. Just like every other Wednesday, he shortened his way from the classroom and took it through the school’s yard. The weather was way nicer than it was the day before, but the boy walked not sparing a single second to enjoy it. Absent-minded, he let his legs pick the way as they already knew where to go and let his eyes wander on the grass his feet trampled down with every step.

His thoughts about nothing in general were halted once he felt a dull pain striking his shoulder, followed by quite stronger pain coming from his bottom as the boy found himself being on the ground all of sudden. Confused, he kept turning his head all around to find out the cause of his encounter with the hard ground. All he saw was a slightly taller guy running away to the opposite side of the yard, shouting something.

Something very close to  _“Sorry, man!”_

Sungjong just sighed in defeat and started to get himself from the grass. Dusting the dirt off, he found a dark green smudge on the back side of his thigh. Just the thought that he’ll have to launder his pants later that day made him sigh deeper. After all he couldn’t go to school with just the upper part of his uniform on, though some of the girls certainly wouldn’t mind if he really did.

It was the very beginning of May when Lee Sungjong met Lee Sungyeol for the first time and thanks to that, his disgust towards socialising with other people just grew.

“Who was that?” came a rather mocking question from one of Sungyeol’s friends. They apparently have been waiting for him for pretty long time, which would also explain why Sungyeol didn’t have the time to help the boy back there back to his feet and why he continued running even after he sent the boy straight down to the ground.

“Let him catch his breath, hyung. You know, he’s not that young anymore.” chuckled another boy who stood beside their tall friend.

Once Sungyeol straightened his back again, apparently able to breathe normally again, he turned to the boys, almost threatening them with his glare.

“I don’t know who that was, hyung. Not that I care.” he said, chuckling a bit. “And you shut up before I end you, Myungoo.” he turned to the other boy, who however seemed a bit unaffected. “Just because you’re half a year younger it doesn’t mean you can call me old. Just look at Dongwoo-hyung here.” he added, pointing over to the first boy whose facial expression -for some reason- suddenly changed into a serious one.

“True.” Myungsoo grinned, patting Sungyeol’s back.

“Both of you should just shut up.” Dongwoo sighed. “Are we going or what?”

“Woohyun-hyung and Hoya are not coming?” Sungyeol asked, confused. Usually it always was the five of them going out after school. Needless to say that except Sungyeol and Dongwoo, Woohyun was one of the mood-makers.

“Nah, Mr. Jung caught them cheating again. Basically he sentenced them to death since they have to help him in the library today.” Myungsoo said, yawning.

“Well, their problem. Let’s go.” Sungyeol grinned, throwing his long arms around both of his friends’ shoulders and pulled them both towards the gates.

It was the very beginning of May when Lee Sungyeol met Lee Sungjong for the first time and he forgot about it within following two minutes.

Life went on, just like before. Sungjong never got distracted from his books and Sungyeol never stopped hanging out. Both of them completely forgot about their little meeting two weeks before and continued with their stereotype lives.

Again, it was just a day like every another. Birds were chirping outside, sun was litting up the day and mentally exhausted students were sitting on their chairs listening to their teachers’ useless blabbering. What a beautiful day to spend it sitting on your butt for whole day, wasn’t it?

Sungyeol yawned tiredly and observed the class. He wasn’t really surprised that he was among those few who still managed to kept their eyes barely open. Literally almost everyone was fast sleep on their desks. The teacher himself looked like he was about to fall into dreamland in the middle of his speech.

Seeing that nothing was stopping him from doing so either, Sungyeol resigned and also put his head on his desk, using some of the books as a pillow. Hard pillow, but still a pillow. His mind soon got clouded with his imaginary smell of coffee and the teacher’s words just became a background music. Just when he was about to slip out of consciousness, his background music stopped playing and instead of it a loud screech flew through the class, immediately making everyone shoot up. Sungyeol too groaned internally and teared his head from the books, looking confusedly around himself.

“No cellphones in my class!” yelled the teacher, hitting the table with his fist, making a dull sound come out of the impact.

“But sir, no one’s phone rang.” a girl piped up.

“I just heard that someone’s phone vibrated!” the teacher screeched. “Once more and I’ll give you all an assignment which you’d be lucky to finish within next six months. Is that understood?”

Receiving one almost incoherent ‘yes sir’ the man seemed satisfied and returned back to his talking. Sungyeol yawned yet again, knowing it certainly wasn’t  _his_  cellphone that caused the problems and placed his head on the books. Again.

Yet…

“Enough!” the teacher shouted, again pulling his already falling asleep students out of their trans. “Whose phone is that?!” he asked, scanning every single person in the class with death glare. People in the class gave each other rather confused looks, wanting the person who caused the trouble to turn themselves in. After all that would be better than suffer the hell that could come any second if the class stayed as quiet as it was.

“I’m sorry, sir. It was mine.” someone from the other side of the class raised their hand, yet Sungyeol couldn’t properly see who it was. It wasn’t like he cared anyway.

“Out of the class. Be sure to visit the principal and if you don’t, I’ll find you. Understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

And so, with slumped shoulders, head down, back turned on his fellow peers a boy left the classroom, letting the teacher continue where he left off. Again. Without giving the slightest damn about it, Sungyeol laid down on his books again, this time finally able to fall asleep properly. He did not even realise that the boy who just left has been going to the same class from the very start of the year. He just assumed that it was some dude he’d seen somewhere before.

After all, why should he care?

Sheepishly, Sungjong stared at the screen of his cellphone once he closed the door of the class behind him. He waited for that number to appear again. The number that had been calling him since the morning.

It was quite unfortunate that the teacher found out, since the number has been calling him almost unceasingly and he just played ‘punch me as fast as you can’ game with the decline button for whole day. Sadly for him, he stopped paying attention to the phone after some time and that old hag just had too good sense of hearing.

The thing was, Sungjong couldn’t think of even one person who could be calling him. There were only few people who had his number and those were his parents, grandparents and some of his parents’ colleagues Sungjong’d met few times and considered them as reliable people he was once going to work with. That was it. None of those people were stupid and knew that Sungjong’s schedule was packed with classes and that he hardly ever returned home before 5pm.

So the question had two possible answers. Someone could have just mistaken the number or (hopefully not) something had happened.

Too preoccupied with his thoughts, he did not notice the screen of the device litting up again, only then sending tickling vibrations to his hand. Sungjong suddenly felt immense anxiety bulding up within his body. Something was telling him that this was not just a mistaken number.

“Hello?” he called after picking up the call, trying not to sound as eager and scared as he was.

 _“Lee Sungjong-ssi?”_  an unfamiliar voice asked, making the boy flinch.

“Yes? Excuse me, who am I talking to?”

 _“Ah, I’m sorry. Dr. Kim Bora, General University hospital.”_  she introduced herself.  _“I was asked to let you know that your father had been accepted to our intense care unit this morning after he suffered from a h-- “_

“I’ll be there as soon as possible.” Sungjong cut her off and ended the call.

Letting the hand with his phone freely fall beside his body, the boy stood completely still, unconsciously holding his breath. Staring blankly ahead of himself, he slowly processed what’d been said to him just then.  _Intense care unit._  He didn’t even want to think what so serious could have happened that his father had to be taken to a hospital. Especially when he knew that the man always neglected his health for the sake of his business.

Despite the fact that Sungjong never spent as much time with his parents as he would like to, he felt more scared than ever before. Needless to say that Sungjong was rarely scared. He knew his parents loved him and he understood that they couldn’t be with him as much as they all would want to. He understood that and he felt the same about them, yet one of the was now most likely in danger.

It was only the bell announcing the end of all classes that teared him apart from his thoughts. Right before students started to pour from the doors and flood the corridors, Sungjong ran. He ran through the building, picking the shortest way right towards the gates. Jumping into first cab he saw and barking the directions at the driver, he could only pray that it wasn’t as serious as it seemed.

He could pray and nothing more.

Sungyeol’s eyes slowly fluttered open once the fact that he couldn’t breathe dragged him out of his dreamland. The first thing he saw however was someone’s hand holding his nose and a face of that someone giggling in the background. Immediately feeling his blood boiling, he slapped that hand away and started chasing after the boy who -unfortunately for him- happened to be his best friend.

“I swear I’m going to rip both of your arms off, Kim Myungsoo!” he roared, quickly leading his long legs through the already empty class. Myungsoo’s answer couldn’t be anything else than just an explosion of another fit of laughter as he continued running.

Leaning against the wall stood Woohyun, Dongwoo and Hoya, all of them tiredly watching the two chasing each other.

“Children…”

“I heard that, Woohyun!” Sungyeol screeched.

“That’s still  _hyung_  for you, you little brat!” Woohyun shouted back, sighing yet again right after.

“Wait a second.” Sungyeol suddenly stopped on spot (which finally allowed still laughing Myungsoo collapse on the floor, desperately panting for oxygen). “What time is it?”

“Almost five.” Hoya said. “Why? You never care about time.” he asked, chuckling.

“Well today I do!” Sungyeol exclaimed completely terrified and immediately looked around for his bag. “I was supposed to pick Sunggyu-hyung up. He’ll kill me for being late.” he explained.

“If that really happens, we will come to your funeral, Yeollie.” Dongwoo joked.

“Try not to and I’ll haunt you all till your own death.” with that Sungyeol stormed out of the classroom, already thinking about potential excuses he could use.

After all his cousin, certain  _Kim Sunggyu_ , was very punctual and could keep bitching for hours if he really wanted.

His office was nice, actually more than just  _nice_. Sunggyu was always praised for his determination to keep it as neat as it was and he was always proud of his work. Being a doctor -and  _a good one_  to that- surely was fruitful and he would never change his profession unless he really had to. That was for one reason. Unlike the majority of the world’s population, he liked his job. Maybe way too much. It wasn’t just the payment that was more than he could ever ask for. It wasn’t just the fact that he made his parents unconsciously way more proud than they showed. It was just that he liked the feeling of being needed.

People needed him and he was always there, helping them whenever they caught a flu, broke their leg or even saving their lives whenever there was lady Death knocking on their door.

Sighing, he glanced at the screen of his cellphone for ninth time that minute, impatiently waiting for certain choding to show up or at least call. He was ready to go for almost an hour already, however his rather irresponsible cousin was nowhere to be found. He almost jumped out of his skin though, once his office phone started ringing all of sudden.

Calming himself down a bit, he picked it up. “Yes?”

There was absolutely no doubt that something had happened - if there hadn’t, no one would try to reach him through his  _office phone_. Needless to say he was supposed to be away for a while too.

_“Oh, I’m glad you’re still here, sir. There’s an emergency at ICU.”_

“I’ll be right there, Jieun. Thank you.”

Letting out yet another heavy sigh, Sunggyu reached out for his white cloak that was already innocently hung in his little wardrobe. Apparently, it wasn’t time to leave work yet and Sungyeol was pretty lucky for that.

Locking the door carefully, he was about to turn around and head to the ICU and he would also do so if there wasn’t a certain cousin of his crashing into him the following second. Sunggyu managed to keep his balance, however Sungyeol fell on the floor.

Yet, no matter how angry he was at the younger right then, Sunggyu couldn’t help but laugh at him.

“I swear you’re going to be the death of me one day, Lee Sungyeol.” he commented once Sungyeol got back up to his feet.

“Sorry I’m late, hyung. I kind of fell asleep.” the boy awkwardly scratched his nape, avoiding Sunggyu’s sharp eyes.

“Karma always bites back so now it’s your turn to wait. They called me for an emergency.” Sunggyu grinned, leaving speechless Sungyeol standing in front of the door to his office just like that.

Sungyeol, unable to utter a word just blinked dumbly few times before even realising that he’s standing alone. He followed his cousin right after, however he couldn’t find him anymore. Therefore, he had nothing better to do than to just wander around the hospital, thinking of the best possible place where he could hide and let Sunggyu look for him later.

Yes, deep down, Sungyeol was still a mischievous kid who liked playing hide and seek.

Soon he became tired though. He hadn’t even the slightest idea where he was, but it somehow didn’t matter. Sunggyu was going to be the one to look for him. At the thought, he chuckled to himself. Letting out a groan, he collapsed on some random chair, stretching his limbs. As he remembered how ‘harshly’ he was woken up before, an idea of another nap came to his mind. Inwardly he praised himself for being such a clever boy and closed his eyes.

There was a kind of rumor that Sungyeol could fall asleep at any place. That was however proved wrong here, since he simply couldn’t. He kept stirring, rolling, unable to find the right position to be comfortable. He gave up in the end and sat normally, annoyingly scanning his surroundings.

White walls, white floor, doctors dressed in white, nurses dressed in white, even patients’ pajamas were  _white_. Then Sungyeol noticed a boy beside him, who just by a coinscidence wore exactly the same dark blue school uniform as he did.

The boy had his elbows resting on his knees, face buried in his hands (which, Sungyeol thought, were really pretty). Besides that, Sungyeol noticed that he was really thin, with waist that every girl would die for.  As he observed the boy, Sungyeol couldn’t help himself but think he’d seen him before. Sure they went to the same school, but Sungyeol hardly ever remembered people he had just  _met_.

Then it hit him though.

He wanted to say something, or possibly ask what he was doing there, but everything seemed just too awkward. The boy however suddenly stood up, heading towards the exit. Once Sungyeol caught a glimpse of his face, he was sure there definitely was something wrong.

“W-wait..!” Sungyeol called without even realising it. Once the boy turned around, Sungyeol suddenly felt a strange twitch in his hands that made him want to strangle himself.

“Yes?” the boy asked, turning around once again, allowing Sungyeol to see him face properly.

The word  _pretty_  was enough. Pretty and stained with tears.

“I… Um… A-are you… o-okay?”

“Why do you care?” the boy snapped, about to go again.

“Because I… I wanted to apologise properly. Yeah that’s why.” Sungyeol grinned.

“Apologize?”

“It was me who almost knocked you out two weeks ago. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted.” the boy said dryly and went away again. However he stopped after he made his first step, since Sungyeol still kept talking. And his blood started boiling, just when hearing that annoyingly cheerful voice.

“Are you really okay? You don’t really look like you are, you know?”

“I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Why don’t you just leave me alone?!” the boy shouted, his voice breaking mid-sentence.

To that, Sungyeol couldn’t do anything else than to just stare at the other with his mouth slightly agape. Never in his life had he met someone so emotionally unstable. Yet that only made him want to help more. Instead of getting chased away by the boy’s obvious secretiveness, Sungyeol got even more curious.

“I don’t need your help.” the boy uttered then, after he’d choked out few almost soundless sobs. Then he finally turned around and disappeared from the hospital as fast as he could.

Sungyeol merely sighed and wanted to sit back on his chair and he would do so, only if Sunggyu didn’t appear next to him all of sudden.

“Had fun?” the doctor asked, not really happy himself.

“No.” Sungyeol snapped.

“Great, neither did I.” Sunggyu smiled sadly, throwing his arm around Sungyeol’s a bit higher positioned shoulders and they both slowly went towards the exit. “Come on, let’s grab some drink.”

“Yeah, I think I need it.”

Sungyeol was always curious. That was one of those facts that could never change even if the world was about to end. Being an easy-going and carefree creature he was, after the night he spent drinking with his cousin, he pretty easily got over his meeting with the pretty boy the day before. But he still had asked Dongwoo to fish out some information about the boy the very next day.

Dongwoo couldn’t reject. He was twice as much curious and it was true that he was the best in school when it came to gathering information about someone else. He knew almost everybody and everybody knew him. After all, Dongwoo was always able to engrave himself into people’s memories even if he didn’t intend to.

However, even when he asked almost everyone, they all were able to tell him just the boy’s name and nothing else.

 _“Him?_   _Lee Sungjong. He never talks to anyone, so I don’t know. Sorry, man.”_

_“That’s Sungjong oppa. I once asked him if he didn’t want to join us and hang out after school. He didn’t even answer. Rude, isn’t it?”_

_“Lee Sungjong? The one who never talks, huh? I don’t know, hyung. They say he might be mute. What do you think?”_

Sungyeol was quite disappointed at first, but it made him crave for information even more. He’d been observing Sungjong ever since. It wasn’t anyhow difficult to find out that he was always alone, without people he could rely on.

And as always, Sungyeol’s excessively clever mind started to make up a plan how to butt in and provide Sungjong with  _best_  friend he could ever get, who  _obviously_  was Sungyeol himself.

Sungjong on the other hand had absolutely no idea about what was coming for him. He had different problems. It appeared that his father suffered from a heart attack. Not a severe one, but still a heart attack. When he went to see the man the day before after they called him from school, his father looked exceptionally okay.

He joked, always had that cheeky grin he was known for plastered on his face. When Sungjong had asked him how came that he was in so good mood, his father answered him that it was finally time for the boy to try and take the business into his hands for the time being. At least until the man would be healthy enough again, that was.

Before Sungjong could anyhow protest or say why it was still too early for him to take such responsibility, his father suddenly started to have trouble with breathing. He started coughing, choking on his own breath and Sungjong had to call for help. The nurses literally kicked him out of the room, and he couldn’t see more than just a pile of white clothes thrown together with some glimpses of dark hair here and there as the doctors kept running around the bed his father lied in.

So he sat outside on one of the chairs there and waited. He sat there for no longer than ten minutes, yet everything was as if slowed down. His every muscle was tightened, head hurting, fingers shaking. He didn’t even dare to call his mother who was in Europe at that time - he didn’t want her to end up exactly like his father, after all.

He waited, until he felt someone sitting beside him. He didn’t bother to look who it was, he didn’t know anyone anyway. The pressure he felt was becoming unbearable almost suffocating him. He knew he can’t hold on anymore when he spotted his tear falling down on the floor. In desperate need for fresh air, Sungjong stood up and went towards the exit.

When the guy asked him if he was okay, Sungjong wanted to ignore him. When the guy wanted to apologize, he wanted to stay silent and just nod. When he asked him if he was okay for the second time, he wanted to just go away. But he didn’t.

He stayed, as if rooted on spot and yelled at him.

Why would someone care about him when he never cared about anyone? Why would that guy ask him if he was okay, when the met just once? Was he really that kind to look after a stranger? Nonsense. People like that didn’t exist.

It was later that day, when he received a call from the hospital again. They told him that his father was okay for the time being. However they also told him to prepare for worst since his father - as it appeared - had very weak heart and despite all the troubles he ever had, he never went  anywhere to treat it or get himself help.

Sungjong would lie if he said he hadn’t expected something like that. His father had always put health aside and now it paid off, apparently.

After a long process of deciding whether to tell or not to tell his mother about what was happening, in the end, he decided not to. At least not yet. Days passed quickly and Saturday was knocking on the door.

Sungjong though had it planned just like every other weekend. Since his father wasn’t at home, he wouldn’t have to stay in his room all the time to focus on his books. That seemed like the only ‘advantage’. On the other hand, Sungjong was creeped out by the fact that he would have to talk to his mother any moment. She always called on weekends - on Saturdays to be more specific.

He could lie to her, yes, but Sungjong was not a liar. He’d never lied since he didn’t need to, but obviously, this was a state of emergency. ‘It can’t be that hard.’ he thought to himself, trying to calm down. Sighing, he made himself a cup of hot chocolate, brought a pile of books from his room down to the living room and started to read.

The day had passed quickly, Sungjong had almost two books done and there was still no call from his mother. He was on the last page of his book when his phone started to buzz on the coffee table next to him.

Almost jumping out of his skin when hearing the sound, the boy soon forgot about the book he was holding and stared at the device, already seeing the word ‘Mum’ on the screen. Hesitantly, he reached out for the phone and picked the call.

“Hi, mum.” he greeted quietly.

 _“Sungjongie, my baby!”_  the woman exclaimed.  _“How are you doing? Are you studying well? And your dad? How’s he?”_

“I’m well, mum. I’m just finishing one project I have to hand in next week so I’m quite busy…” Sungjong gulped.

_“Oh I see. And your dad? Is he doing fine?”_

“Yeah. He had a busy day, so he’s napping right now.” Sungjong said, surprising himself how naturally the lies flew from his mouth.

 _“I don’t know what I expected.”_  the woman laughed.  _“Anyway, it seems I’ll have to stay here longer though. The meetings got postponed and I’ll be able to get home a lot later than I thought…”_

“It’s okay, mum. We’ll manage even without you.” Sungjong chuckled.

_“Okay, baby. I miss you both.”_

“We miss you too. Bye, mum.” he said and ended the call.

It felt like an immense weight had been taken off his shoulders and he suddenly was lighter than the air. However, even before he was able to exhale, the doorbell rang. Sungjong cocked his eyebrow, when glancing at the clock. It was almost nine in the evening and he couldn’t think of even one person that could want something at that time. Needless to say that almost no one knew where he lived.                                                                                                                                                          

Nevertheless, he went to the door.

“Y-you…” was all he could choke out, seeing the person standing there.

None other than Lee Sungyeol, obviously.

“Hey there!” he grinned, waving his hand.

Half an hour later, Sungjong found himself sitting curled up in a ball in one corner of their couch, partly listening to Sungyeol’s blabbering. It could have ended differently if only Sungyeol was not such persistent giraffe with a soul of a kid, who just couldn’t accept the fact that Sungjong did  _not_  want him in his house.

Ever since Sungyeol had steeped into Sungjong’s house, his mouth wouldn’t stop moving, words wouldn’t stop coming from there. As it appeared, Sungyeol always had something to talk about, which could have been advantage at times (not that Sungjong cared, but he thought so). He talked about everything starting from remembering the day his brother was born to talking about his arguments with Hoya concerning coffee. Sungjong didn’t even have the strength to ask how Sungyeol found out where he lived.

However, he was soon starting to be fed up with Sungyeol’s blabbering and he would stop him if only Sungyeol didn’t stop himself. Sungjong gave him questioning look and Sungyeol seemed to get it as his facial expression suddenly got serious.

“What happened?” Sungyeol asked, sounding somehow  _concerned_.

“What do you mean?” Sungjong asked back.

“Back in the hospital… Something must have happened.” Sungyeol explained.

“Why should I tell you about it? I don’t know you and you don’t know me. Now if that’s all, the door is that way.” Sungjong retorted, pointing over to the hall.

“They say that talking to strangers is easier. Maybe it would help--“

“Who said I needed any help? I don’t need it, I don’t need your care.”

“I thought you were smart.” Sungyeol chuckled, getting up from his seat. “Everyone needs someone to rely on from time to time.”

“And who said I don’t have anyone like that?”

“No one needs to say that, I have eyes, you know?” Sungyeol smirked. “I’m going crack your shell, remember that. Expect me here tomorrow, same time.” with that, the choding turned around and walked out of the house.

And Sungjong stood alone once again, too many questions flying around in his exhausted mind.

Sungyeol really was persistent and he loved to watch how much it drove Sungjong crazy whenever he appeared at his door. Every day, he would be there, trying to crack Sungjong’s shell and finally look what’s inside. Every day, he would observe the boy and seeing how his icy heart was melting thanks to him. It went slowly, but it did.

Sungjong still didn’t talk to him, but he kept listening, Sungyeol knew that. He didn’t even protest when Sungyeol came anymore. He just resigned and let the choding in, letting him talk. A week passed ever since Sungyeol’s first visit and he felt he was starting to get  _obsessed_  with Sungjong and his secrets.

Every day, before he went to his house, he kept thinking for hours if he’d finally get the other to talk to him, if he should press on or just wait some more. The incident in the hospital didn’t matter anymore, Sungyeol just wanted to know what made Sungjong so emotionless. He wanted to know so badly that he was willing to live with the boy if that would somehow help.

 But he was still sane enough to realise that was maybe too much. Nevertheless, he decided to take it further and make another step.

Sungjong on the other side found in Sungyeol’s regular visits some kind of certainty. As that week passed, he had become completely sure that Sungyeol would come every day. He’d be there every day, talking to him every day and Sungjong would just sit and listen to him. Every day.

It was another Saturday, half past eight in the evening which meant that Sungjong still had half an hour before Sungyeol would come. And for the first time, Sungjong caught himself  _waiting_  for Sungyeol. He felt nervous for some reason. He kept walking from one side of the house to the other, trying to figure out why was his body acting the way it did. Or more, why was Sungyeol behaving the way he did.

For his whole life no one bothered to even spare a glance at him and now this guy comes and practically acts like he knows him since childhood? Out of pity? That was nonsense, since Sungyeol still knew nothing about Sungjong at all therefore he had no reason to pity him. Because he just was like that? If so, then why was he so kind towards  _Sungjong_  and not someone  _else_  - like some of the bullied kids.

Sungjong kept thinking for whole half an hour and everytime he just returned to the same problem - he couldn’t find out the reason hiding behind Sungyeol’s behaviour. There was nothing special about Sungjong, was there? He was just an average nerd, one of the excessivelly smart kids who cared about nothing except school, who had no friends, no one at all.

Just when the clock struck nine and interrupted Sungjong in his inward battle, the doorbell and his cellphone started to ring at the same time.  Fishing his phone out of his pocket, he didn’t even look at the number calling him and picked up whilst heading for the door.

“Hello?” he called to the phone, also revealing grinning Sungyeol behind the door. Just like every other evening.

 _“I’m sorry to disturb you at such hour, Sungjong-ssi. It’s Dr. Kim again.”_  the woman responded, apologizing immediately.

“Has something happened?” Sungjong asked, feeling a bit uncomfortable as Sungyeol scanned him sheepishly.

 _“Yes… I’m really sorry to inform you that your father has passed away.”_  she said quietly, sounding kind of sad herself.  _“It would be a--“_

Sungjong didn’t hear the rest. He didn’t hear anything except his own heart that was about to tear his ribcage apart. His legs gave in under him and if Sungyeol wasn’t there, he would most probably break his skull as he’d fall. He felt Sungyeol was shaking with him, he saw his mouth moving, but there was no sound, everything was mute and as if turned into slow-motion.

The last thing that flew through his mind before the world went black was that he wanted to say thanks to Sungyeol for being there. For being there and catching him when he fell, for being there and trying to befriend him.

For being and not giving up on such a hopeless case Sungjong was.

Due to that Saturday’s happenings, Sungjong became even more emotionless - if that was even possible. Aside from other things, he still kept denying that weak state of mind he went through that evening before he passed out, even though he remembered it pretty well. He remembered well how he wanted to just sit down and cry. He remembered how he  _wanted_  Sungyeol with him there, comforting him.

Sungjong was scared.

He kept denying everything he remembered from that evening because he was scared. Scared because he didn’t know what Sungyeol’s almost constant presence had done to him. He was scared because it felt like he wasn’t sane anymore.

Ever since that Saturday, Sungyeol had been there all the time, helping Sungjong out with solving the matters concerning his father’s passing. And truth to be told, Sungjong did not complain nor chased the other away. He got used to Sungyeol being around him pretty fast and yet, the reality Sungjong lived in was becoming scarier every day. Every minute was bringing darker shade of gray to his world and every hour made all the invisible walls around him come always a bit closer cutting his needed space off. It was getting more and more suffocating and it didn’t take long before the boy’d felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore.

But Sungyeol was still there with him, somehow unconsciously making an invisible bubble of oxygen around his head making him somehow able to breathe freely.

And Sungjong was getting still more and more scared.

Every minute that passed made him feel fear. Every hour he caught himself thinking what would he do if Sungyeol wasn’t with him there that day. And that was exactly what worried him. He got scared that he got too fixated on Sungyeol. That he got used to his useless blabbering so much he already considered it as a part of his everyday life.  _Again_ , he got used to something too easily. Surely the mental pressure played its role well and Sungjong held onto things that could keep him going, but it had always been like that.

The thing was if Sungyeol could keep him going.

Due to that Saturday’s happenings, Sungyeol felt the need to stay with Sungjong even more. Regardless his already serious obsession with the boy from before, he now wanted to help more than he did before. Needless to say that after Sungjong broke down later that night, he told Sungyeol about everything. How they called him from school, how he was there when his father got second heart attack, how sorry he was for yelling at him when they met at the hospital before.

Sungyeol couldn’t and even didn’t want to imagine how hard it all must have been on the boy. But still, though he didn’t want to be anyhow rude or something, he could say that everything that had happened quite helped him in getting into some progress with Sungjong. Not to mention that he was about to jump into the universe out of happiness when Sungjong had stopped trying to chase him away for the first time.

Even though he already knew about literally everything that had happened to the Sungjong’s father and Sungjong himself (and he couldn’t deny that he’d expected something less… drastic) and he somehow managed to understand why  he never got himself a nice girl or made a friend, and even though Sungyeol found out about everything he wanted to find about in the first place,  _even so,_  he wanted to stay and help him through things.

On the other side, Sungyeol knew he couldn’t blame Sungjong for anything that had happened to him. Sungjong after all was just a filial boy who wanted nothing more than a normal life with friends, loves, broken hearts and fun, just like every other person did. But when he thought about it again, Sungyeol couldn’t really blame his parents either, though making their only son do something  he maybe didn’t want to do in the first place just because it was a ‘serious business’ and someone had to take over was not a good thing either.

Who was there to blame then? Whose fault it was that always in people’s lives, they had to make choices they wouldn’t even have thought about? Whose fault it was that people judged someone else, just because something they did didn’t go according to the unwritten rules the majority of people listened to? Why it was that people behaved the way other people wanted them to and not the way they themselves wanted to? Who made people forget they had their own heads and rights to make their own decisions?

_The society._

Just when he had realised that, Sungyeol finally noticed what kind of rotten world they all lived in. He realised that life was not just friends and fun how he had thought up until then. Sungjong was briliant example of a victim of society. And Sugyeol naturally wanted to help.

Or not just that?

The more he thought about everything that had happened, he wasn’t even sure if he wanted to be  _just_  a friend to Sungjong. Maybe,  _just maybe_ , he wanted to be more than that. On a second thought, he found that image quite ridiculous. He couldn’t fall in love with a boy could he?

No, certainly not. He couldn’t be such a fool to fall in love with someone just within a week and few days.

Or could he?

It was yet another evening when Sungyeol was supposed to pick Sungjong up since they had met each other only at school (and that in fact couldn’t be considered as a meeting). As he walked slowly towards the mansion Sungjong now lived in alone and inhaled the evening air, he’d gotten a feeling that something was up that evening. If it was going to concern him and Sungjong or not, he didn’t know, but he didn’t like the feeling.

But then again, Sungyeol never was for predicting the future.

As Sungjong opened the door, Sungyeol was a bit caught off guard when the younger boy came out, standing next to him and locked the door behind him.

“What’s going on?” asked Sungyeol. After all, it was kind of planned that they’d stay at Sungjong’s again and they (Sungyeol) would talk.

“Let’s go for a walk. I need to talk to you.” Sungjong replied, already walking ahead.

Sungyeol just caught up, sighing a bit, rather keeping his inappropriate comments to himself. They walked in silence through the still crowded streets until they reached an old, apparently abandoned playground behind one of the malls. Almost soundlessly, Sungjong sat on one of the swings, leaving the other one for Sungyeol.

“Are you okay?” Sungyeol asked, obviously worried. Even in the dimly lit playground, he could see how pale Sungjong was.

“I’m going to Europe.” Sungjong responded, staring down at his feet. “My mother still doesn’t know anything and I think you understand that this is something I have to tell her in person.” he explained then.

“Yeah… Sure.” Sungyeol nodded sheepishly, not quite sure what else he should say. There was no denying in that he felt a pang of sadness inside his chest once Sungjong’d said he was going to go thousands of kilometres away. After everything they’d been through together even within those few days only, Sungyeol somehow couldn’t imagine his life going back to its old stereotype.

Inconscpiciously, the possible idea of him loving the younger boy sneaked to his mind and started to scare him again of what might be if it really were true. But Sungyeol still wasn’t sure, he still was in some kind of ‘weak-denial’ state. There was one thing Sungyeol was sure of though. That he hated the feeling of not being sure.

“You’ve done so much for me ever since… you know… Thank you.” said Sungjong. “And I wanted to ask you one more favour before I leave.”

“Go on.” Sungyeol smiled.

“I want you to come with me.”

So it happened that few days later, the two found themselves sitting in a plane to Vienna. And truth to be told, Sungyeol couldn’t be happier. Ever since the day Sungjong’d asked him to go with him, it was as if the boy suddenly changed. He smiled, he talked, he laughed as if he was like that from the very beginning.

And seeing Sungjong’s smile as the first person ever -most likely- he couldn’t be more sure of his feelings. There was just something about the younger boy that was refusing to let Sungyeol go. He couldn’t exactly put his finger on it, but in all honesty, he didn’t mind at all. The only question left was whether to confess or not.

The flight was going to be long anyway, therefore Sungyeol’d decided to wait with thinking about such a thing later when he was going to be filled with energy. It was nearing to night also and the dimly lit interior of the plane was just like a lullaby. Merely informing Sungjong that he was going to take a nap, Sungyeol closed his eyes and fell off to dreamland within few minutes.

Later, Sungjong caught himself giggling when watching Sungyeol’s quite funny stirring and mumbling something about drowning in coffee foam in his sleep. Turning away from the sleeping kid, he stared out of the window instead. The moon was shining and the scenery he saw was just beautiful. Tops of the clouds were having dark blue shade that was gradually transiting into dark gray and at some places even black. Stars too were flickering whilst keeping the moon company. Seeing that, Sungjong unconsciously started to wonder whether his father was watching him right then. 

If there was something after life or if there was just nothing.

He’d always believed that there  _was_  something. After all, they were always saying that stars were just holes in the floor of heaven.

However he soon got teared apart from his thoughts, as Sungyeol’s hands both gripped his forearm, refusing to let go no matter how hard Sungjong tried. The boy sighed and observed Sungyeol’s face for a while, letting his arm being abused.

There really were so many things Sungjong was grateful for and yet he still didn’t know about some proper way how to express this gratitude. Even back at the playground he felt incredibly selfish when he had asked Sungyeol to come with him. Yet the other apparently didn’t mind which was still an unsolved mystery for Sungjong.

Just the mere fact that Sungyeol himself was the one who came to him first at the beginning, not the other way around, made Sungjong wonder how was that even possible. He was always taught that people were incredible prats who craved for nothing else than money and fame. And yet as it appeared, Sungyeol was a huge exception. He sacrificed his own free time he could spend hanging out with his friends just to stay with such a miserable excuse of human being that Sungjong was.

There was no possible explanation of Sungyeol’s behaviour except for one. Sungjong had realised what Sungyeol felt for him already back at the playground. It was too easy for him to find out, Sungyeol was just being obvious. It was easy to spot how sad his eyes got after he had told him he was leaving. It was even easier to see those sparks of happiness coming back when he had asked him to come with him.

And yet, even when Sungyeol helped him so much Sungjong was going to hurt him.

Merely sighing and closing his eyes also he waited for sleep to come and take him.

“Hyung, wake up!” Sungjong yelled within a whisper, shaking with Sungyeol’s limp body that was still in the same position as he remembered it was before he had falllen asleep too.

“Why?” Sungyeol whined childishly. “Are we there yet?” he asked then, eyes still closed.

“No, but I thought you might want to see this.” Sungjong grinned widely as Sungyeol ‘s eyes fluttered open.

Sleepily, Sungyeol rubbed his eyes before looking out of the window where Sungjong kept pointing. And he immediately understood why Sungjong had wanted him to see it. The sun was just rising, gradually painting the sky with light orange colour, whilst it still merged with blue at some places as the night had not completely vanished. All the clouds suddenly looked so welcoming and warm, just like pillows waiting for their owner to lay their head down.

“Beautiful, right?” Sungjong asked, still smiling widely.

“Yeah…” Sungyeol exhaled, staring out of the window, still not getting enough of the sight. Sungyeol had never seen anything like that and a thought came to his mind instantly. That was, if there was ever going to be a perfect opportunity to confess then that was it.

“Listen, Jongie… I want to tell you something.” he begun.

“I know what you want to say.” Sungjong replied, his smile suddenly getting sad.

“You do?”

“Yeah.” the boy sighed. “I’m sorry, hyung. We… It wouldn’t be right.”

“W-why?” Sungyeol asked, more surprised than sad or angry.

“We don’t go together. Or it’s more like, I’m not the one for you.” Sungjong said quietly. “You’re sweet and caring and everything, while what am I? A brainwashed toy. The whole purpose of my life is to inherit the company and lead it until I die. I was led to this for my whole life and I know I’m not going to change no matter how hard I’d try.” he continued. “Because me being with you would be just like adding salt into vanilla...”

Instead of an answer though, Sungyeol smiled at the boy through his tears.

He couldn’t blame anything on him. There was just one cause of it all…

They said that everyone was beautiful.

They said that the society was ugly, not us.

From that early morning on, when he was on his way to Vienna with the boy he loved, Lee Sungyeol always remembered how truthful that saying was.


	3. Care (WH/SY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it may not matter whether they care or not.

_…Beep…_

_…Beep…_

_…Beep…_

He was getting tired of that sound. Getting  _disgusted_. He knew it was going to be the last sound he’d hear after letting out his last breath and just the mere fact was making him want certain shadowy figure with black coat covering its rather shapeless body to come for him sooner and take him away from the world.

He kept tossing, turning on his bed, unable to fall asleep. His thoughts were haunting him. All the pain, sorrow and sadness he’d been through alone, all the responsibilities thrown on him and only him, all the failures that followed. And it all led him to where he was now. Destined to stay in awfully small bed for his limbs until his last day which could also be any other. Destined to think his life over and over, reminding himself of every mistake he’d ever done again and again.

Destined to die alone.

 He had known so many people in his life. He had loved all of them. And they had loved him back, he thought. Yet, once the twentieth year of his life crossed the line, everyone started to leave. Back then he would have thought they’d come back to him again but soon he was proved wrong. Before they left him, he’d thought he’d went through enough already. The people he knew were the only ones he had left. Yet they left him too.

Just like everyone else before them.

He had always been a good kid therefore every time someone told him they were leaving, he replied with mere “okay” and a weak smile. He never was good in showing what he felt even when he always was the most honest person you could imagine. To most people, Lee Sungyeol had always been a riddle. A riddle which couldn’t be solved by any human being he had ever met. So the people he knew had decided to leave him alone and live their own lives. Nothing couldn’t have been easier.

What effort do you have to put into abandoning a person, a human being? None. Human’s nature is to have profit from everything. When a person’s problems wouldn’t make people have any profit, majority of them wouldn’t help. What is a point of helping someone when you don’t have  anything for yourself after? Nothing, right?

Sungyeol’s view on people became as said over the years. He knew he was naïve and overly optimistic person who had always thought that someone he could rely on would come and  _stay_ with him _._  Yet, people had always disappointed him. There was no one to even look at him, no one to care about him. No one to care, already since his childhood. There was just a question left - where had the optimism gone to.

All in all, fate had always been cruel. Very cruel.

_"You know what? Do whatever you want!”_

_“Fine! I’m done with you!”_

_Waking up to hear his parents fighting again, nine years old Sungyeol merely sighed, went towards the door of his room, turned the key and threw it across the room. Letting his little body slide down against the wooden surface of his door, he already felt tears welling up in his abnormally big eyes.It had not always been like that, little Sungyeol remembered times when they were happy together._

_Yes, there were such times. Sungyeol had always wanted to be a big brother and have a sibling therefore by the time Daeyeol was born, Sungyeol’s mood was beyond happy every day. Now however, Sungyeol had every right to be sad and feel guilty. At least that was what he thought._

_It was just a week now since Daeyeol had his accident. It was a day like any other, Sungyeol remembered everything. His parents were busy that day so they gave Sungyeola  thrilling mission - to go and pick Daeyeol from the kindergarten. Sungyeol knew that that was something big, a big task just for him and he was sure he’ll do it no matter the circumstances. However on his way to the kindergarten, the boy got lost and was running late. Once he found the way again, he was just there to see Daeyeol walking alone away from the kindergarten, crying._

_So Sungyeol ran towards his little brother._

_He ran, but not fast enough. Daeyeol was a small child, barely noticeable and exactly that played a big role in the accident.Crossing the road, the green light just jumped on and the little boy’s world went black within a second whilst the last thing he heard was the voice of his big brother screaming his name. Sungyeol saw everything that day and he never cried so much. He remembered every second._

_He had failed._

_As he cried, sitting on the floor replaying everything in his head again, there suddenly came a knock on the door he leaned against. He blinked the tears away, waiting in silence._

_“Sungyeol, open the door.”_

_It was his mother._

_Reluctantly, Sungyeol got up from the floor and went to search for the key. However his mother was not an exact example of patience and as the boy’s view was still blurry he couldn’t find the key which soon had his mother nearly pounding on the door. Finding it a while later, the boy raced and opened the door, letting the woman in._

_“What took you so long? Oh my god, do you know where Daeyeol’s white shirt is?” she asked, not sparing even one glance to her son._

_Sungyeol, a bit hurt, just shook his head, staring down to his feet trying to hide his swollen red eyes._

_“Seriously, could you be any more useless? Forget it, I’ll find it myself.” she snapped, storming out of the room slamming the door shut behind her._

_And Sungyeol stood, unable to cry. She’d been like this ever since Daeyeol’s accident. She’d changed and so had his and Daeyeol’s father. And Sungyeol, truth to be told, never said anything, complained or cried in front of them. He never did any of those._

_After all, he was good in hiding what he felt ever since his childhood._

__  


Remembering that particular incident, Sungyeol couldn’t help but laugh heartily at his own misery. How ironic his life was. He went through everything just to end up in a hospital without his family knowing about it at all. Daeyeol was never able to walk again after the accident, Sungyeol knew that. One day he found a letter from his parents saying that they’d taken him to the States, where his chances for full recovery  _could_  be higher. Sungyeol was eighteen back then; apparently his parents had thought of him as an adult already so they left him, just like that.

Sungyeol was always an optimistic person and he liked to imagine that his little brother had a better life; or the best he could have, yet still he knew that there was no chance of him moving around the same as he did before the accident.

Ever since then, Sungyeol had not heard a word from him nor his parents. And they also had no clue about how Sungyeol’d been doing all those years he spent all by himself and they apparently did not seem to care.

Once he’d found out that every breath he took might have been his last, he felt strange kind of relief. It was an irony. Any other person would cry, try to find about some solution or even a non-existing cure. Sungyeol however was not any other person. He was relieved. He was by all means happy that he wouldn’t have to deal with any more disappointments again. He was glad that he would finally leave this world and find out what’s on the other side.

He looked forward to death. There was nothing waiting for him anyway.

As he kept turning around in the bed; as much as his body allowed him to; there was a knock on the door all of sudden. Having the curtains closed all the time, it became hard to tell day and night apart. Sungyeol did not even know what time it was, he just wanted to sleep and forget about everything at least for few hours.

He didn’t answer. He never did.

After a while there was a creaking sound of the door opening and a bright ray of light flew into Sungyeol’s dark room, hitting him right in the eyes. Squinting, the boy buried his face into his hot pillow, shielding it from the light.

“I knew you weren’t sleeping.” came a voice from the door. “I just came to say bye, my shift’s over. I’ll come to see you in the morning again.” the man added.

The ray of light started to become thinnier and thinnier as the door made the exact same creaking sound as when it was opened. However it stopped mid-way. The man seemed he had something else to say.

“Oh, I almost forgot. Happy birthday, Yeol.”

Then the man left, leaving Sungyeol to himself again. He knew that man pretty well. It was him who found out about his disease, it was him who was there with him ever since.

His doctor, Nam Woohyun.

Closing the door behind his back, Woohyun heaved a sigh. Another shift was gone, another day he could spend with Sungyeol was gone. Around that time every day he was supposed to go home, however he had built a habit over the time to stand leaning against Sungyeol’s door waiting for his colleague to replace him and take the night shift.

It was like that every day. Woohyun would stand and think about one thing only... It was his first day in the hospital when he met certain tall, lanky boy.

_“Thank you for everything, Mr. Kim.” Woohyun bowed politely to his employer before backing out of the door._

_Grinning widely, he fixed his brand new white coat and his nametag attached to it on the left side of his chest. It’d been a long way to achieve a job like this one and Woohyun was proud of it. All those years he had been studying his parents always paid for everything and they even wanted to bribe the head of the hospital to take their precious son in. Yet Woohyun stopped them from doing so and got the job himself, with his bare hands._

_He deserved it._

_Now he was walking through the halls wearing a smirk, having nurses greeting him shyly. Thanks to his own effort. As he walked, too preoccupied with trying to hide his actual excitement there suddenly came a hand from his side grabbing him by the shoulder and dragging him away. In complete shock, Woohyun even forgot how to scream for help._

_However, realising his surroundings second later, he was glad that he hadn’t shouted because that would be certainly embarassing since the person dragging him away was apparently his colleague in a need of help and they were standing in consulting room._

_“Oh, you’re the new one, aren’t you?” the man grinned, immediately reaching out his arm waiting for Woohyun to take it._

_“Um, yes. Nice to meet you…”_

_“Dongwoo. Jang Dongwoo.” he said, exictedly pointing at his nametag once Woohyun let go of his hand._

_“Nam Woohyun.” Woohyun smiled warmly. “Why did you…”_

_“I’m going to need some help. They’re arriving with a serious case of panic attack… And I’m also taking it as an opportunity to test your abilities.” Dongwoo laughed vicously._

_“Oh…” Woohyun swallowed dryly. First day and already a first more serious case. Not everyone gets that on their first day and just the mere fact made Woohyun feel more nervous than he already was. On the other hand, he kept telling himself that if he managed to do it, nothing could ever stop him. Quite a positive thinking, wasn’t it?_

_A second later the door to the room flew open and about five guys dressed in fluorescent orange suits barged in, bringing an uncontrollably  shaking body of a boy who could be something around Woohyun’s age, but probably younger._

_“So what do we have here?” Dongwoo asked one of the guys, who was holding the reports._

_“Lee Sungyeol, age 21, called us himself since apparently he was at home alone. Good luck, doc.” the guy handed Dongwoo the papers and disappeared with the rest of his squad._

_“Hmm…” Dongwoo muttered to himself, while Woohyun was trying to calm the boy down without success. “This says he never had any issues with health… And yet this happened. Guess the tests will show more to it.” he continued talking to himself before turning to the nurse, giving her instructions._

_“Sorry, Dongwoo-ssi…” Woohyun piped up suddenly._

_“Yes?”_

_“I think I might have an idea what happened to him.”_

__  


Woohyun’s stated diagnosis was proved right immediately after the results came out. Sungyeol was suffering from an incurable disease of which the name was so difficult to pronounce you would break your tongue ten times at first three syllables. As some kind of reward, Woohyun had been assigned to Sungyeol since then. He did not complain though. He never did.

He was scared at first to even say the diagnosis out loud. He was scared because he thought it might be true. And it was and he was scared even more. He didn’t want someone to go through that  _again._  However being assigned to Sungyeol, he couldn’t do anything.  _He felt with the boy._

And yet again, he was supposed to watch someone die from exactly the same disease.

First time, it was his older brother. Woohyun remembered how he’d been fighting against the disease spreading in his body like a plague. He remembered how he’d spent days by his brother’s side, talking with him about everything that came to his mind. He remembered seeing his brother getting thinnier every day, getting paler every day. Seeing the life disappearing from his body until it left completely, making Woohyun remain in the world alone.

 _All_  alone, just like Sungyeol.

No. Woohyun hadn’t planned on falling in love with his  _patient_ , yet sadly, the falling in love process is not something you could  _anyhow_  plan. It just happens.

So it happened.

Every time he had his shift, every minute he had free he would spend it in Sungyeol’s room even if it was just to watch the younger boy sleep. Whenever Sungyeol was awake which was most of the time (which also had Woohyun bitching for an hour straight since being awake all the time certainly wasn’t anyhow good for Sungyeol’s already poor health) they would talk about everything. Just like Woohyun did with his brother once. To Woohyun it felt like a strange kind of  _déjà vu._ He was completely hopeless, powerless, able to do nothing to help Sungyeol. Yet he still showed nothing. He laughed, joked, grinned every time he had the opportunity just to make Sungyeol feel that everything is alright. That they are nothing more than just friends, which, from Sungyeol’s point of view, was pure truth. That Woohyun felt no more for Sungyeol than he was supposed to…

_That everything was going to be alright._

Even after all that time Woohyun spent with Sungyeol, he soon realised he knew very little about the boy. Sungyeol literally avoided personal matters and he had his reasons. Despite Woohyun being serious though, he backed off every time he saw that Sungyeol was uncomfortable with their conversation and changed the subject immediately.

It was strange how could he fall in love with Sungyeol when he knew just his name, date of birth and the fact that his family no longer lived in Korea. There just was something that lured Woohyun in and the doctor couldn’t put his finger on it. Maybe that something was just Sungyeol himself.

Woohyun regretted nothing though it might seem like he did. He just accepted his bad luck with a weak smile and tried to cope with it. He did not regret that he fell in love with someone whose time was going to run out soon. He did not regret that he’d met Sungyeol. What made him wonder a bot though whether it was good that Sungyeol knew nothing about his feelings for him.

He wondered whether he should keep it as it was until the very end or just spill everything before it'd be too late.

Some say that some things should stay unspoken, unheard. Some say some things need to be said. However Woohyun was not a demigod. How was he supposed to know which things should stay behind the wall and which should climb over? Should he confess or should he not? Question that’s been worrying him for one pretty amount of time. The more he thought about it, the more anxious he got and Sungyeol’s time to greet the woman in black was nearing.

But what if he confessed and Sungyeol accepted him? Wouldn’t that be worse than if he just turned him down? What if he confessed… What if there wouldn’t be enough time to confess?

Realising what that question even meant, Woohyun’s heart almost stopped. He knew that Sungyeol wouldn’t be there for long and he feared the day of his passing more than anything, yet he never realised the fact that Sungyeol could die within following five minutes, or even that he could be dying while Woohyun stood leaning against his door, thinking about his miserable life and whatnot…

“…hyun! Hey!”

Woohyun snapped out of his trance when there suddenly came a hand waving furiously in front of his face. He didn’t even notice Dongwoo approaching him, that much his thoughts had consumed him.

“Sorry…” Woohyun said sheepishly, blinking dumbly while looking all around himself as if seeing the place for the first time in his life.

“You should go and get some sleep.” Dongwoo said, patting the other on his shoulder.

But Woohyun was as if deaf. Image of Sungyeol’s face flew through his mind in a speed of light and an immediate wave of fear washed over the doctor. As fast as he could, he turned around and almost kicked the door open to burst inside the room where the boy was. There was nothing but darkness and Woohyun tried to make his eyes adjust to it as fast as possible by rapid blinking, which didn’t quite work for him. So he used his voice instead.

“Yeol?” he called almost silently, his voice breaking in fear.

Instead of an answer came a light snore from somewhere where Sungyeol’s bed was placed and Woohyun got immediately relieved.

_He’s alive… He’s not dying._

Leaning against the doorframe, Dongwoo watched Woohyun’s actions with strange facial expression.

Dongwoo, to most people, had always seemed like a five years old child trapped inside a body of a man, however he was smart. Smarter than most people his age. Even if he was completely clueless about Woohyun falling for Sungyeol, even  if he didn’t know Woohyun from before, just seeing that scene would make him completely sure of how hard Woohyun had fallen. Knowing Sungyeol’s health situation well, he couldn’t really do anything than just stand and watch everything from afar, which broke his heart more than anything else, because it was just in his nature to help people.

But he couldn’t do anything.

With a sigh, he soon left him alone with sleeping Sungyeol in the room, heading for his office to get dressed in white and get to work.

For the following few days, the hospital was in a rush. Somehow far more accidents happened as the city of Seoul had been covered in thick fog for whole week. Nevertheless, the fog finally disappeared and Woohyun got some time for himself. Or more like, some time to spend it with Sungyeol.

As the hospital had been overflowing with still new patients, Woohyun had to stay overtime often. Therefore whenever he came to say bye to Sungyeol, the boy was already soundly asleep. That was something that worried Woohyun though. Sure, he had nagged, trying to make Sungyeol sleep and all, but he couldn’t help it and worry about the boy. It was as if the life started to slowly leave him.

Woohyun knew the symptoms. His brother never had any troubles with sleeping however as the disease progressed, he slept more and more… till the very end when his eyes stayed closed for good. And since Sungyeol’s light insomnia started to disappear… We can say that Woohyun was scared as hell.

Nevertheless, as the hospital and the patients were being kind for once, Woohyun had spent an afternoon in Sungyeol’s room. They talked. In Woohyun’s eyes, Sungyeol looked… weaker, sadder and paler. Denying that, he kept shaking his head throughout the whole afternoon, trying to get rid of those thoughts. About half an hour before Woohyun had to go, the subject of the conversation they had unexpectedly changed to their families at which Woohyun came to realisation that Sungyeol knew nothing about his family either, particularly about Woohyun’s brother.

“What about siblings? Do you have any?” Sungyeol asked.

“Yeah… An older brother.” Woohyun answered quietly.

“Really?” Sungyeol’s eyes lit up. “I… I have a younger one…” then however his voice died down as he realised his own situation.

“Do you?” Woohyun asked, interest rising.

“Yeah…” Sungyeol half whispered, gripping his blanket as a wave of pain shot through his whole body, hoping Woohyun wouldn’t notice. “Let’s leave that, I don’t want to talk about him…”

“Sure.” Woohyun smiled.

Yet his mind started to form thousands of questions right away. So there was something that had happened, something that had caused Sungyeol to be sad like he was every day. Woohyun was naturally curious, he was born with it. Whenever there was something that made no sense or the answer wasn’t complete he would look, dig into it until he was satisfied. However as he sat beside Sungyeol, despite him being curious more than ever before, he kept his mouth shut and didn’t let any questions slip through.

He was brought back to reality when Sungyeol  yawned cutely, stretching his arms like a baby. Woohyun couldn’t help but grin at the sight. Again he felt that familiar warm tickling in his stomach whenever Sungyeol did anything like that. Again he wanted to just jump next to the boy onto his bed and hug him, listen to his even breathing whilst humming a song for him until he’d fall asleep too. Again, he wanted to live a normal life with the very boy next to him. Was that so wrong that he couldn’t have it?

Was it?

“You can go home, hyung.” Sungyeol smiled. “I’m going to sleep.”

“Okay. I’ll just wait for Dongwoo as usual.” Woohyun answered sweetly, hiding what he actually felt. Again. “Good night, Yeollie.” he said as he got up, shooting the boy yet another smile.

“G-good night, hyung.” Sungyeol cracked a smile too, gripping his blanket that his knuckles soon turned white. “And…” he added, when Woohyun was leaving. “… Thank you…”

“What for?” Woohyun asked.

“Just… T-thank you…” Sungyeol stammered.

Woohyun answered with a chuckle, before turning around and leaving the boy in his room alone. Little did he know that as soon as he closed the door soundlessly behind his back, Sungyeol on the other side of the door broke down to an unbearably painful seizure that had his body curled up in a ball for whole night, while he cried everything out through bitter tears.

No… Woohyun did not know any of that.

What he did know though was that Dongwoo still had around half an hour before he was supposed to come. Instead of standing this time, Woohyun let his body slide down to one of the chairs that were placed near Sungyeol’s door.

There had been something wrong with Sungyeol that day. Woohyun sensed it, however he couldn’t put his finger on it. He didn’t even know what was supposed to be wrong with the boy. Everything had seemed just fine for the whole afternoon.  Everything had been just fine… Then what was going on? Was Woohyun already that desperate that he started making up things? Was the misery that immense?

Was the need to let it all out that big?

Was it?

Then why couldn’t he get himself up to his feet again and go tell Sungyeol what really was up? Why did he just sit there, forcing tears out of his eyes? Why was his body so heavy that he could barely move his arm let alone his leg? What was so wrong with him? Maybe he was going insane… Maybe it was what he felt for Sungyeol that was driving him mad…

But if being mad meant eventually dying sooner and staying with the boy forever, Woohyun wouldn’t mind being mad. With that slightly pleasing thought in mind, sleep soon took over and pushed him down to the pit of dark land of nightmares.

 

_Woohyun squinted at the sudden flash of light that hit his eyes out of nowhere. Blinking fastly, it took him a while before he was able to see his surroundings, but he managed. Looking all round himself, he assumed he was at some place that slightly reminded him of an airport. Except there were not any people. Not even one human being, except for him._

_Not thinking about it much, he went towards the empty departure gates, expecting he’ll see at least the planes or flight attendants standing there and telling him to enjoy the flight, but there was nothing. When looking out of the huge window out, there was just an empty area. Looking to the sides, there were just dark, silent halls. So silent that Woohyun almost heard his organs working…_

_“Hyung…”_

_…Until he almost jumped out of his skin when he heard a voice behind him, which he also knew too well not to recognise whose it was._

_“Yeollie?” he turned around, seeing a bright face of the said boy. “Oh God, what are you doing here?” he asked, sighing in relief._

_Instead of an answer, Sungyeol smiled at the slightly shorter man. Something was a bit different about Sungyeol there. In Woohyun’s eyes he looked  somewhat happier. Happier, completely bright, somehow looking relieved off all the stress._

_Silently stepping closer to Woohyun, Sungyeol enveloped him in his arms, pulling him close to his body._

_“What’s going on?” Woohyun asked worriedly, unknowingly hugging Sungyeol back. If it was his choice, he would stay like that forever; feeling the latter’s warmth, inhaling his scent, resting his chin on his shoulder. Sungyeol though as if reading Woohyun’s mind, didn’t seem like he was about to pull away anytime soon. Woohyun felt like that was the happiest moment of his life as he stood there, feeling Sungyeol’s steady heartbeat against his chest while he was sure Sungyeol felt his a lot faster one. He didn’t mind though. He was happy._

_“I just want to thank you.” Sungyeol whispered, lightly patting Woohyun’s back._

_“I haven’t done anything.” Woohyun whispered back, tightening his arms around the boy._

_“Yes, you have. You just don't realise it and that’s something I...”_

Woohyun’s eyes fluttered open as he felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him out of his dreamland. Subsconsciously he slapped that hand away, trying to slip back to Sungyeol, to hug him tighter and listen to whatever he had to say. However sleep closed its gates before Woohyun, not allowing him to go.

Opening his eyes again, he suddenly felt like crying. He still felt Sungyeol’s arms around his neck even though there wasn’t anything anymore. He still felt that steady heartbeat against his chest, he still smelt that scent that teased his senses. He still heard that voice.

He wanted to go back.

Even if it meant he’d never get back to reality again. He wanted to go and stay there, in the middle of an empty airport with Sungyeol safely wrapped in his embrace. Just when that idea flew through his mind along with the fact that he’ll probably never have the opportunity to make it real, he felt tears stinging in his eyes. Falling off, they streamed down cheeks as he completely broke down, hugging himself and wanting the immense pain inside his chest go away.

“Woohyun?” came a voice from beside him.

It was Dongwoo. Undoubtedly. But Woohyun didn’t care. He didn’t even know where he was, why Dongwoo was there with him. He didn’t even know his name anymore.

“Woohyun, what’s wrong?” Dongwoo pleaded, looking at his friend being totally helpless.

“L-leave me… leave me alone…” Woohyun cried, squishing his body as far from Dongwoo’s hand as he could.

Dongwoo frowned, drawing his hand back. “This is seriously beyond every line.” he muttered to himself. “You need to sleep. Come on, let’s get you to bed.” he turned to Woohyun again, walking over to his side to help him get up.

Just there the younger realised they were not in the hospital anymore. They were in a car; in  _Dongwoo’s_  car, to be more specific.

Once Dongwoo came over to his side and opened the door from him, Woohyun swiftly hopped out right to Dongwoo’s arms. Being a bit surprised by his actions, Dongwoo hugged the latter back nonetheless and completely gave up on trying to understand what was actually up.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?” he asked again, this time really hoping for Woohyun not to push him away.

“J-just a d-dream…” Woohyun stuttered. “How did we get here?” he asked then, refusing to look up from Dongwoo’s shoulder.

“I found you at the hospital completely passed out. I still had time before the shift so I thought I’d take you home.” Dongwoo explained, softly pushing Woohyun away. “This has to do something with Sungyeol, doesn’t it?” he asked, grabbing Woohyun by the shoulders forcing him to look at him.

“Take me back.” Woohyun pleaded quietly.

“No. You need to rest.” Dongwoo protested.

“Take me back, hyung. I need to see him.”

Dongwoo watched the weeping boy without words. On one hand, there was nothing he wanted to do more for him than to take him back, however on the other hand, he didn’t want his feelings to get hurt more than they already were. The boy looked completely wasted; his hair didn’t have any shape at all, the bags under his eyes were making him look almost like a panda and his skin wasn’t in exactly good condition either.

“I’m so going to regret this.” Dongwoo groaned as he lightly pushed Woohyun back towards the car.

He himself jumped to the driver’s seat, silently started the engine and sped off back to the hospital. Yet, he had a reason to crack a smile as soon as quiet ‘Thank you’ from Woohyun’s lips reached his ears.

People don’t usually get the opportunity to witness true love or anything even close to it. Dongwoo however had the chance to see that every day thanks to the very boy sitting next to him. Just the determination to sacrifice everything he had for the one he loved was enough to prove what he felt.

Even though Dongwoo knew that their story couldn’t end up happily, he had a reason to smile. Because Woohyun just proved that if your love is true, even when you know you can’t win, you don’t give up and try until the end.

Yes, he had a reason to smile.

Dongwoo didn’t even have the chance to stop the car properly and Woohyun was already jumping off, storming inside the hospital building. Apparently, shouting after him did not quite work, so Dongwoo complained a bit to himself and slowly went after Woohyun. He took his time,  _naturally_ , because if Sungyeol was still awake, Dongwoo could imagine Woohyun glomping him and not letting go until the following morning.

That image was quite cute though.

Dongwoo walked casually inside the building, greeting the receptionist with a bright smile and went to find his kind of emotionally unstable friend. He didn’t even have to search for long. Once he turned around the corner, he saw Woohyun there, having their female colleague trapped between the wall and his body, demanding something from her.

“Damn it…” Dongwoo muttered to himself as he marched towards Woohyun, tearing him apart from the woman, who also looked as confused as Dongwoo himself.

“I’m sorry, Hyeri-ssi. This friend hasn’t had a proper sleep for few days now…” Dongwoo scratched his nape sheepishly.

“It’s okay, Dongwoo-ssi. I can understand that.” she answered with a small smile.

“Yes?” Dongwoo blinked dumbly.

“Yes. Woohyun-ssi has been looking for his patient, who however passed away about half an hour ago. That’s why his room is already empty and he couldn’t find him.” she explained, before walking away from the two.

Processing the words said to him, Dongwoo hurriedly looked around for Woohyun. He was few feet away from him, down on his all four. And Dongwoo could only see how tears were falling from his eyes down on the backs of his hands, before he went to hold the boy as a touch of someone who cared about him was the only thing Dongwoo could give to him as of the moment and also the only thing Woohyun needed right there, except for Sungyeol being alive again.

  


It was a sunny day. As it was slowly turning to autumn, the trees had their leaves variously coloured and the colours were giving off a somewhat happy and warm atmosphere. Birds were ruling the skies as they were flying away, somewhere where the place would be better for them.

Woohyun watched them through his sunglasses. Just like them, he wanted to fly away to somewhere where it would be better for him, to some place that would help him forget and start over. But there were no wings coming out of his back, no hope for him to forget.

Needless to say that the dream he had that evening haunted him also. He wondered if it was just a coinscidence or some kind of telepathy that Sungyeol got inside his head just to say goodbye. Recalling that, new tears formed in his eyes every time. Recalling that, he felt Sungyeol’s arms around him, he heard him talking to him, thanking him.

Recalling that, Woohyun always cried himself to restless, dreamless sleep.

He did not remember much from that evening. He remembered hearing Dongwoo talking with the woman and that was it. Besides that, there only was that invisible knife stabbing him every time his heart beat. He went through many restless hours wishing for nothing more than just death. Sleep became an unknown, useless word for him, knowing that he’d never have proper sleep again. Dongwoo was there with him almost every day, but he barely noticed him.

He ran out of tears within two days, after that he only choked on his own sobs. Every minute of every hour of every day. Over and over again. There was no end to it and he became an empty shell with no life in it. That usual cheery smile he wore every time he walked through the halls in the hospital was long gone and never returned. Instead of his happy skipping here and there were just slumped shoulders and slow walking.

The Woohyun everyone knew was gone for good.

He was standing, absent-minded staring at the golden letters of Sungyeol’s gravestone. It’d been just few days since the funeral and around that time, people usually slowly started to move on with life. Woohyun couldn't. Just not yet. And he knew that he wouldn’t be able to for a long time.

When there came a hand touching his shoulder from behind, he did not even bother to turn around. It couldn’t have been anyone else than Dongwoo. Instead he let out a heartless chuckle, continuing to stare blankly at the stone.

“I have something for you.” Dongwoo spoke up, not attracting Woohyun’s attention at all. “Or it’s more like, Sungyeol had something for you.” he continued, apparently having Woohyun’s full attention immediately as soon as Sungyeol’s name flew out of his mouth.

“What?”

“He gave it to me about a week before he… you know… went up there.” Dongwoo explained. “And he told me to give it to you once everything is over.”

“What is it?” Woohyun asked, almost exploding in anticipation.

“Here.” Dongwoo smiled as he handed the boy a small, quite worn-out envelope.

Woohyun opened it shakily and started reading.

 

_"Woohyunnie-hyung~_

_If you got this then it means that Dongwoo-hyung kept his promise. Give that forgetful dinosaur a hug for me, will you? Hehe ^^… But if you got this then it also means that I’m gone for good... And before I get to the point of this whole thing, I don’t want you to cry, hyung._

_Don’t cry._

_You know, I’ve always felt like a third wheel, like someone who wasn’t needed in this world. I never told anyone anything about myself and no one seemed to care.Whenever I met someone of whom I finally thought was worth my trust and everything, they left me. Even those who were supposed to be closest to me, people I should treasure and protect them with my life, they left me all alone. Because I was a third wheel and they didn’t need me, they’d thought I could take care of myself, but no one can survive for long all by themselves…_

_People say that everyone was born for something, that everyone has their purpose. But I lost it. I lost my purpose. What’s the purpose of living when you don’t have anyone to live for? Left alone in shadows with people barely noticing me, I lost everything I had... Even my health._

_When you came to my life, I never thought of you as of someone I wanted to put my trust in. I didn’t want to be disappointed. I didn’t want to be left alone again. But soon I learned. I learned that there still exist people worth trust of others. Slowly I put my trust in you, I trusted you that you wouldn’t leave me. And you never did… Yet I am the one to leave you now. I’m sorry it has to end this way…_

_I know my time is nearing and I want to go and finally get rid of these memories that’d been haunting my mind for so many years. I want to go, but I don’t want to forget about the time I spent with you and Dongwoo-hyung… I want to rip myself apart and let one half stay down here with you and all the good memories and let the other half go and die._

_But I can’t do that. Who knows? Maybe there’s some kind of parallel world after death, maybe we’ll meet there…_

_With this letter, I want to thank you, hyung.I know I’m being a coward for not telling you in person and I have no excuse for that. I’m just a coward._

_I want to thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me… For the sacrifices you made for me… For always saving me from myself… For always choosing me and not someone else… For always pulling me back from the edge… For every kind word you’ve ever said to me… I truly thank you, hyung. You’re really helping people with your mere existence and you don’t even realise it, which is something I really like about you…_

_People have been leaving me ever since I was little, they never cared and took everything from me. You gave it all back to me.Those months we’ve spent together were the happiest in my life, and it was you who made me face death without fear. You never left me…_

_And I know you care about me, hyung. Care was something I needed all along._

_Thank you. For everything._

_\- Sungyeol"_

Woohyun slowly folded the letter back, carefully putting it back to the envelope. Turning back to Dongwoo, he embraced him in a tight hug, burying his face in his shoulder.

“What did he write?” Dongwoo asked a bit dumbstruck, feeling the fabric of his suit on his shoulder getting wet; but he didn’t really care, Woohyun needed to let it  _all_  finally out.

“T-to hug you.” Woohyun choked out through tears.

Dongwoo laughed heartily, when hearing Woohyun’s response. “Crazy kid.” he muttered to himself, throwing his arms around Woohyun’s back, relaxing a bit.

Even with all the grief he felt, even with all the sadness that filled every spot in his body and mind, Woohyun suddenly felt immensely happy. Happy because he knew that Sungyeol hadn’t disappeared just like that. Happy because even before his passing, he thought of him and wrote him that letter, which, even though it was heartbreaking, made Woohyun feel something again.

Feel the hope that one day they’d be able to meet again.


	4. Lucidity of a Word (WH/SJ)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there never was anything to forgive.

 

It wasn't always like that.

It was  _never_ like that and just the mere irony of it all made Sungjong laugh at his own misfortune. Never had he thought he would sit at rock hard cold floor, having his back pressed against thick metal bars along with a back of  _someone_  else.Never had he thought that everything they had been through together would lead them to... well, everything.

So much had happened in such a short period of time, Sungjong couldn't even understand how it was possible for so many things to happen practically at the same time. He never even thought of  _such_  consequences; he never thought that oceans of blood, betrayal and even a murder _; cold-blooded murder_  would come in between and separate him from the very person sitting behind him.

However there were times when Sungjong and the very person behind the bars were happy together.

But those times were long gone, were they not?

Never in his life Sungjong had the opportunity to choose; it almost was as if his life's scenario was given far before he was even born. Never he had the opportunity to choose school he would like to go to, job he would like to do. Not even things he wanted to remember and those he wanted to erase; his mind nor his heart would let him forget and move on.

And so there he was. Sitting on cold, tiled floor, staring into the darkness ahead of him with his back pressed against the back of someone he still stubbornly loved even though he had told himself countless times that he would move on, that he would forget about the other, that he wouldn't love him anymore. Oh, how wrong he was.

He would never expect himself to end at such place; being supposed to watch over someone trapped behind the bars. To watch over someone who hurt him so much yet still meant whole world to him...

He stretched his own arm in front of himself letting the dim light of the moon going through the dirty barred window fall on his skin, giving it quite mysterious, magical appearance. And he wondered if there was something that could make the both of them go back to the past and change everything. Perhaps it would have been better if they had never met. Perhaps nothing would have happened and they would have lived their own lives without even knowing about the existence of one another.

Wouldn't that have been better?

No one would have to come to any harm; everyone would have been happier. Only if they had never met...

Or was that just something that didn't depend on the two of them?

Yet only silence responded to Sungjong's quiet pondering as he knew that there was not a thing either of them had to say about the situation they somehow found themselves in. He knew that there were no more words meant to be spoken between them and he almost felt like drowning in that somewhat deafening, non-existing sound that lingered all around them. It was strange, the air; it was as if heavy, trying the crush the poor boy's shoulders.

But he did not want to leave.

He wanted answers even when knowing no one could provide him those.

Why had Fate chosen that life for him? Was he really that bad of a person in his previous life to deserve to suffer like that? Why was there no one to answer him?

"Remember our first meeting?” came a sudden question.

Upon hearing the voice from the other side of the barred wall which came so suddenly, Sungjong stiffened. It sounded as melodious as ever, just like he remembered, as if nothing had ever happened between the two of them.

"Yeah." was the boy's quiet, yet clearly hearable answer.

And a string of memories suddenly peered from the darkest corner of his weary mind.

_In Sungjong's overly big eyes toys never were anything special. At least not for him. However when he got a little model of a car for his fourth birthday, he always had it with him. And kindergarten was not an exception._

_It was a day just like any other. His mother took him to the kindergarten smiling at him and making up serious answers to his somewhat cute, silly questions. And even though children do not usually bring toys to the kindergarten, Sungjong himself somehow managed to persuade the teacher there to let him have his car with him._

_Once he was done thanking the woman for letting him keep his precious toy, he waved to his mother and ran away to the rest of the kids to show them his car. He noticed the woman talking with the teacher even a while later, but paid no big attention to it, they’d always talked like that from time to time._

_Nevertheless ,whenSungjong was busy showing little Myungsoo his car, he didn’t even notice that the boy was not listening to him at all. Instead of that he was looking somewhere over Sungjong’s shoulder with terror in his eyes._

_“Hey, Jongie…” he tugged on Sungjong’s sleeve interrupting his very serious speech. “Let’s go somewhere else.”_

_“Why?” Sungjong asked, not sounding exactly interested._

_“Howon is coming here…”_

_“So? I’m not scared of him.” Sungjong pouted, continuing to play with his toy.By the corner of his eye he noticed Myungsoo backing away with few other kids._

_Soon there was a shadow coming over his head. Turning around, Sungjong immediately recognised the very said boy; none other than Lee Howon who was well known for often bullying children smaller than he was._

_“Say, little boy, could you borrow me that car of yours?” he asked sweetly._

_“Why?” Sungjong asked after a while of hesitation. “There are many of other cars here.” he added then, pointing all around himself._

_“But I like the one you have.” Hoya replied. “Come on, just for a while.” he pressed on, quickly snatching the toy from Sungjong’s unsuspecting hands._

_“Give it back!” Sungjong shouted, trying to reach the taller boy’s hands._

_Apparently liking the boy’s cries, Howon kept the car away from his hands and slightly amused watched his useless attempts on retrieving the toy.His amusement was quite short lived as there soon came another boy to the scene, getting the car from Howon’s hands immediately._

_“Hey!” Howon screeched, turning around just to regret his actions right away as he recognised the boy. He left the room right away, leaving the kids alone._

_Recognising the boy who just saved his day as none other than Nam Woohyun, Sungjong’s eyes lit up immediately as Woohyun was also known as the one who bullied the bullies._

_“Here.” Woohyun handed Sungjong the toy, grinning cheekily._

_“Thank you, hyung!”_

__  


Recalling that, Sungjong chuckled to himself. Despite it being so long since then, he still remembered every detail (even that Howon wore purple shirt that day). He still remembered how he had been practically glued to Woohyun ever since as he went everywhere where Woohyun went with few necessary exceptions. But even so, as far as Sungjong knew, Woohyun didn’t mind being followed around all the time. Quite the opposite, actually.

“What do you think Howon does now?” Woohyun asked then, tearing Sungjong apart from his memories.

Sungjong didn’t really feel like talking, but on the other hand there were so many things he wanted to say that he did not even know where to start.Woohyun apparently wanted to talk as the silence was getting too tight. But it still seemed as a dream to Sungjong; a dream from which he had woken up thanks to two simple shots of a gun.

Everything that they had together, it was as if unreal.

“Stealing candies from little kids if not something worse.” came his reply after a while, which had Woohyun’s laughter echoing through the air the following second.

When he was applying for that job, Sungjong never thought of meeting Woohyunright there, because yes, he knew Woohyun was sort of a criminal and that he was supposed to be imprisoned at least until the investigation was over, but there for sure were many prisons in Korea. Nonetheless, it was his first night shift watching over Woohyun  in his custodial cell and seeing him for the first time after such a long period of time and he still remembered how nervous he had been before he came there.

And then, there they were talking so naturally as if nothing had ever happened. He still wanted to talk about stuff that had happened the previous day; all those casual, boring things they used to talk about before. But then again, how could he?

“Yeah, I suppose so…”Woohyun replied, laughter dying down. “I’m sorry.” he added then, the words being barely hearable.

Yet Sungjong still heard everything clearly. Somehow he wanted to say that Woohyun had nothing to be sorry for, which was also partly true, but he remained quiet even so. The sudden awkwardness that formed around them was also Sungjong’s fault. If only he was brave enough to admit certain facts, if only he was brave enough to just throw pride aside and say everything he wanted out loud, everything would be a lot easier for the both of them.

Sungjong was brave, for you not to get it wrong, but never enough. Which was also proved one cloudy day when he had asked Woohyun out.Or more precisely, when he had tried to ask Woohyun out.

Catching the string of memories in his mind again, he slowly flew back to their high school days.

_“See you tomorrow!” Sungjong waved to Myungsoo who then set off with someone suspiciously tall Sungjong didn’t know. Nevertheless once Myungsoo and the other guy were out of his sight, Sungjong happily skipped to the school gates where Woohyun was patiently waiting for him._

_As planned, they went to the cinema like they did every second Wednesday, which was a weird habit as Myungsoo once commented, and then headed to Woohyun’s place._

_“Here.”_

_“Hot choco, huh? You know me so well, hyung.” Sungjong chirped and carefully took the mug filled with that sweetly smelling liquid from Woohyun’s hand._

_“I should, right?” Woohyun chuckled, taking a seat beside the younger._

_“It’s terrible how winters get longer each year.” Sungjong complained loudly.  Truth to that, it was nearing to the half of March and it was still occasionally snowing outside._

_“Yeah.”Woohyun nodded, taking a sip from his own mug.”Look.” he said abruptly, almost choking on his drink in the process, and pointed at the window. “It’s snowing again.”_

_“See? I really can’t remember when it was the last time the temperature was higher than ten degrees.”Sungjong whined again, almost angrily gulping half of the mug down._

_“Slow down, buddy. It’s called hot chocolate for a reason.” Woohyun warned the younger amusedly once he started to wave his hands around his mouth as it was burning from the inside._

_“Shut up.” Sungjong pouted._

_Silence fell on them as Woohyun complied for once. It was not one of those awkward pauses that often happened between the two of them though. It was fine. And Sungjong began to think whether he should say the thing he’d been wanting to say for quite some time. His mouth though didn’t seem to listen to his brain as it was most probably wounded from the impact with really hot chocolate and spoke on its own._

_“Say, hyung…”he muttered, staring down at the half-empty mug. “Do you like me?”_

_“Like you? I love you, Jongie.” Woohyun laughed, patting the other’s head._

_“I’m being serious.” the younger sighed. “You’re one of those who can choose people to hang out with, yet you’re still out with a nobody like me.”_

_“You’re not a nobody.” Woohyun protested._

_“That’s not the point.” Sungjong stated, apparently getting frustrated. “Nevermind, I wanted this conversation to end differently.”_

_“How then?”_

_“Does it matter now?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Uh… I just…” Sungjong paused, thinking what to say even though the answer was very clear. But as it usually happens when you want to confess, the words got stuck somewhere on their way before being able to get out of the throat. “I just wanted to ask if you would… y-you know…”_

_“…go out with you?” Woohyun tried to finish, immediately earning a confused stare coming from the widened eyes of the other._

_“H-how did you..?”_

_“Lucky guess?”Woohyun laughed. “I wanted to ask you too, so I guess it was the first thing that came to  my mind.”_

_“Really? I mean...Wait a second.” he glared.“You’re not messing with me now, are you?” he asked then, getting suddenly suspicious._

_“I wouldn’t dare.” Woohyun grinned. “So yes, I’d love to go out with you, Jongie.”_

__  


Sungjong had never told the elder how grateful he was all along. There were so many things Woohyun had ever done for him and never asked for anything in return. One of such favours was that Woohyun had never asked about anything Sungjong was uncomfortable with. Such as his family, for example.

Even after all those years, Woohyun knew nothing about Sungjong’s family. Not even the slightest bit of facts. And fortunately for Sungjong, he had never asked.

Fortunately because as time flew, Sungjong found out what all those conversations between his mother and all the teachers meant. He found out that his mother was selling her body just for his sake, even though he had told her millions of times that she shouldn’t. That he could take care of himself, of them both by himself.

 And he had never told a living soul; in that caseWoohyun was not an exception. Sungjong had never told him how he never got to know his father as he most likely was one of his mother’s customers. He had never told him how there were so many possibilities of what could’ve happened before he was even born. That maybe both of his parents had decent jobs, maybe something happened then; something that sent his mother to what she was doing up until  _then_.

It did not matter anymore, though.

His father was gone and his mother more or less was gone as well.

“Say something.” came Woohyun’s voice, cutting through the silence.

Sungjong shifted uncomfortably as his body started to come alive after sitting in one position for a few hours. He never detached his back from Woohyun’s though.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked then, almost whispering.

“I don’t know… Whatever you feel like saying…” Woohyun said. “Just… Don’t be quiet.”

Sungjong bit his lip. “I was just thinking…” he whispered “…about us…”

“How it all went to hell because of me, huh?” Woohyun scoffed, sounding probably more harsh than he had intended to in the first place.

“No.” Sungjong blurted. “I mean… I would do the same… if I were you.”

“Would you?”

“Every person would.”

“But I didn’t do it… I mean… Uh... it’s complicated...” Woohyun stated quietly. “But why am I telling you this? You have every right not to believe me.”

“No, go on.” Sungjong protested. “I never believed you could be capable of doing such thing. So, go on and tell me.” he demanded.

And really, after a pause, Woohyun took in a breath and started speaking of how that night went from his sight.

_‘Damn it, where is he?’ Woohyun thought bitterly as he nervously checked his watch for fifth time that minute._

_It was a Saturday evening, an  evening like any other and Woohyun with his father should have gone on a dinner together to discuss matters concerning Woohyun’s inheritance of their family company and Mr. Nam’s retiring. However, despite Mr. Nam’s usual punctuality, the man was strangely late that evening which had his son all nervous, almost worried._

_Usually it was Woohyun who was running late to such meetings as Sungjong was quite possessive and was always refusing to let his boyfriend go. Even that evening he came late and it surprised him that he did not see his father anywhere after he had arrived._

_Nevertheless, Woohyun was sitting in the restaurant for twenty minutes all by himself and the man still was not showing up. It did not matter how hard he tried to contact his father, it was as if the man had vanished from the Earth’s surface._

_He really wondered what could have gone wrong as he left the restaurant, trudging towards his car with slumped shoulders. Maybe his nap got a bit longer and he overslept, Woohyun thought. It wouldn’t even be that strange as it was kind of an usual thing happening to his father for the previous few months._

_Satisfied with that thought, Woohyun checked for the last time that it wasn’t him who got the meeting hour wrong and a grin found a way to his face as he was already making up arguments for the conversation with his father that was yet to come once he would find the man probably snoring on the couch in their house._

_As he was driving through the still energy-filled streets of the city of Seoul, he couldn’t deny the fact that the slow traffic was slowly getting on his nerves and so, when he had the first chance, he took a shortcut. Fortunately for him, the road he picked led through an old car park lot where his father had taught him how to drive before he went to get his license. There never were any cars around, therefore it appeared quite strange to Woohyun as he spotted one, parked there just like that._

_But it wouldn’t be Woohyun’s bad luck if there wasn’t something more to it._

_Recognising the car immediately, he parked his own right away few metres further and got out. It was already dark as the night was approaching, but scanning the other car, Woohyun couldn’t be any more sure that the very vehicle before his eyes was his father’s car. As he peered inside, there was no one there. Looking around himself, the street appeared to be completely lifeless._

_Being the curious bundle of grease Woohyun was, he went to search for his father as he knew that when the man leaves his car, he can’t be anywhere far. Woohyun knew there was an abandoned playground near the park lot, he set off towards there. Though the image of his father having fun on a swing made him want laugh all night long._

_He reached the place within five minutes and the scene that met his eyes utterly surprised him. His father was there, yes, but he certainly was not enjoying the night breeze on a swing. He stood absolutely still facing a few of another people standing in front of him. None of the people present seemed to notice Woohyun though, of which the boy decided to take an advantage and hid himself in a bush that was two steps from him and listened._

_“I already told you I don’t have anything on me.” a man spoke. The voice he possessed definitely belonged to Woohyun’s father._

_“You could be lying, you know?”_

_Woohyun squirmed a bit, as just listening was not enough for him. Also the voice that answered his father was not a man’s voice, but his ears might deceive him. Yet, as soon as he saw the scene once again, he assured himself that the person talking to his father was a petite woman with a few of men standing behind her._

_“What you’re doing right now is quite illegal, I hope you’re aware of that.”_

_“Of course I am.” the woman pulled out a gun out of nowhere and pointed it at him. “And I’m quite willing to take it to the end.” she added, her voice suddenly cracking._

_“Why would you do that?” Mr. Nam asked, sounding quite unaffected by the fact that his life could end within a second._

_“Do you have children, mister?” the woman asked, voice shaking._

_“I have a son, yes.”_

_“See? So do I.” the woman nodded. “Is there something you wouldn’t do for him?”_

_“Not a thing.”_

_“Parents’ nature, am I right?” she asked._

_“I guess you could say so.”_

_“Then, do you still need to ask why I’m doing this?”_

_There was a pause that had Woohyun pondering whether he should step out and intervene somehow, because the situation did not seem anyhow good. As he continued to observe the scene he couldn’t unnotice how the woman’s hand was shaking and how the men behind her were slowly backing away. Everyone there knew she was taking it too far, even she herself knew it. But even so, she kept completely still, not letting her eyes off his father._

_“You don’t want to do this, we all know that.” the man said, taking a step closer to her._

_“Of course I don’t.” she agreed quietly, being on the verge of crying. “I just want my boy to live a life he deserves.”_

_“We all want that, don’t we? Taking my money won’t help you in any way, let alone taking my life.”_

_“Do you really think so? I’ve had everything planned until this very moment. I’m already  a meaningless piece of nothing in this world, but he’s still young to have his life thrown away.” she stated. “After all this is over I won’t be here to see the consequences though. It will be better that way.”_

_“Go ahead then. Shoot me.”_

_“You think I can’t do this, don’t you?” the woman chuckled. “Well then watch me.” she said, taking firm steps towards the man._

_Meanwhile Woohyun, still hidden behind the bush, nearly stopped breathing. Of course his father thought she couldn’t do it, Woohyun on the other hand wasn’t so sure. Even from his hideout he could see how desperate the woman was and from what he knew, desperate people were doing… things. Things they wouldn’t even imagine doing if they were in the right state of mind. Nonetheless, Woohyun had enough._

_Being just about to shout to stop all that insanity, a deafening shot reached his ears, followed by deadly silence._

__  


“I really didn’t know what was happening, if you get me.” Woohyun said.

Sungjong though was busy processing everything. Sure, he knew how it everything had been that night, but he never even thought of admitting that it really had been like that.

But everything suddenly made more sense when Woohyun told him. However the more it made sense to him, the more it hurt him. Sungjong had always tended to search for mistakes in himself instead in other people, he tended to lure blame to his side even when he had no reason to do it.

But when he finally really realised? That his very own mother killed someone just for him? Just for someone who would not have been even born if it weren't for the woman’s desire to have a child even with the job she had?

All the blame in the world was coming to Sungjong’s side.  

And he remembered. How few nights before it all happened his mother had been a crying mess. How she had spent those nights locked in her bedroom while Sungjong was listening to her sobs from the other side of the door. How he had never said anything to make her stop crying. How he had always remained silent and merely listened without her knowing.

How he had wondered why he couldn’t go and hug her.

The answer came itself after so long as he was leaning against Woohyun’s back in the dark.

 _Because he wasn’t brave enough…_  But even so, with all the guilt, there was a some sort of a block that stopped him from doing comforting her. Maybe it was that slight spark of hope that she would stop torturing herself and let someone else be responsible.

Yet that hope turned into dust and torturing suddenly looked like something far easier to handle than what had really happened.

“Sorry…”

Sungjong blinked in confusion once the other’s sudden apology threw him out of his mind back on the tiled floor. “What for?” he asked after a pause.

“For telling you… I mean, I thought you knew...”

“I knew, it’s just… I wanted you to tell me so stop apologizing.” Sungjong sighed, forcing the tears away. “Continue.”

“Fine.”

_It did not take even ten seconds since Mr. Nam’s lifeless body fell on the ground and Woohyun was already marching towards the woman, knocking her down as soon as she was within his reach. Be it woman or not. She didn’t even fight back, it was all over the second the bullet left the gun. Woohyun though, saw that second as the beginning._

_Snatching the gun from her hand once she was safely lying on the ground and he was sitting on the top of her, he immediately pointed it at her face, index finger on the trigger. Tears were falling down, hands were shaking. And even though Woohyun knew that he was panicking at that moment, there was absolutely no way for him to pull the trigger and shoot the woman on spot._

_Desperate people act desperately, but Woohyun simply couldn’t._

_“Plans like this one I had always fail, don’t they?” she laughed to herself, being completely relaxed._

_Woohyun didn’t say anything, there was a whole load of thoughts swirling around in his head. Every single one of those thoughts stopped on spot when the boy felt hands on his own as he was gripping the gun. He blinked at the woman. She was smiling at him as she held his hands._

_“I won’t be here to see the consequences. It’ll be better that way.”_

_She let her hands sneak under Woohyun’s, still keeping the gun in place. It was too late once Woohyun had realised what she was planning to do. Another shot echoed miles away as the woman shot herself, right in front of his eyes._

__  


“But they still managed to save her, she didn’t miss but it didn’t kill her either. You know that. I pushed her hands away in the last second.” Woohyun finished. “ I don’t know who called the ambulance and everyone else though.”

“So she wanted to kill herself…” Sungjong whispered, staring down at his trembling hands.

At the thought of his mother, who was at that moment lying motionless in the hospital, having the machines keeping her alive, Sungjong somehow felt the urge to break something. It was quite strange that he believed Woohyun instantly, because as it was already said that night, Sungjong had every right not to believe him,  _especially_  when all the evidence spoke against him. But then again, it must have been the thing people tend to call  _love_  that made him believe Woohyun immedately.

Everything went on backwards in his head. She wanted to kill herself and she almost made it, but it left Woohyun’s fingertips on the gun and threw him into a spiral of endless interrogations even when he hadn’t done anything. She killed his father. For money. For money she would give to  _him._  It was his fault, wasn’t it? He shouldn’t have been even born…

“You should have let her…” he hissed through his gritted teeth.

“What?”

“You should have let her kill herself.”

“No, I don’t think so.” Woohyun protested. “Like this, there’s still hope for to survive, isn’t there?”

And he was right; Sungjong knew he was right. But he somehow couldn’t help it. He still remembered that strange peace that came to his mind once he had realised that his mother wasn’t around. He didn’t even cry when they told him she’d lost so much blood it threw her into a coma which was rather unlikely to happen. But it did.

He still remembered how Woohyun’s whereabouts had concerned him more at that time.

Even after his mother had been accepted to a hospital, the police refused to tell him who they thought did it, because as they said themselves,  _they were not sure._  Naturally, Sungjong went to Woohyun to pour everything he felt out, no matter what it was. The problem turned up when it appeared that Woohyun was gone. He wasn’t at home, at work, not even the places they considered as ‘theirs’.

Needless to say that Sungjong himself became unreachable as he continuously kept the line busy when trying to contact his boyfriend. Yet still, nothing had worked and they met in a way neither of them would expect. Fate surely was unpredictable. Pieces of the puzzle fell to their places once Sungjong showed up for his job that very night.

Somehow though, he wasn’t surprised, terrified or feeling betrayed in any way.  _Relieved_  was the right word.

“I’ve been looking for you.” Sungjong said, partially attempting to reproach Woohyun for not picking his phone even though he knew his phone must have been confiscated in some way.

“I thought you would.”

“And I’ve found you.”

“I knew you would.” Woohyun chuckled. “You shouldn’t have been looking for me though.”

“Why not? We’re together now, aren’t we?” Sungjong asked confusedly. His heart almost made a flip at the thought that Woohyun didn’t love him anymore.

“We are, but look what’s gotten us here.”

“It’s not like we can change anything about it anyway, don’t you think?” Sungjong stated. “And before you start apologizing again, don’t, because you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“How come?”

_Time to admit certain facts; to be brave enough._

“Because I… I somehow feel it’s better this way.”

And half of the world’s weight was lifted off Sungjong’s shoulders. It was strange indeed; the feeling of not having to worry about anything else at that moment aside from Woohyun, knowing that his mother was safe in her hospital bed. That even though he felt better when he had literally  _everything_  under control, he didn’t have to be afraid of judgements.

“Also, I should be the one saying sorry to you.” he added then.

“I could have  _killed_  your mother and you are saying sorry to me?” Woohyun sounded genuinely surprised.

“You  _could_  have.” Sungjong pointed out. “She was faster than you though and if you still don’t realise it, she’s more or less alive thanks to  _you_.” he explained. “I’m saying sorry because it’s also partly  _my_  fault that your father is dead.”

It was almost funny how naturally the words were flying out of his mouth so suddenly. Getting tired of not seeing the other’s face for so long - which equaled to approximately half an hour, he finally turned around immediately having chills running down his spine once the warmth left his back.

“Look at me.” he demanded then, watching Woohyun slowly turning around. He didn’t know what he expected though. Woohyun was still the same; same dark hair, same dark eyes, same handsome face… And yet there was still something new. Something that he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“I am looking at you.” Woohyun chuckled, when Sungjong had been staring holes into his face for a while.

“Huh?” the younger blinked. “S-shut up.” he pouted right after when noticing Woohyun’s rather amused face.

“Look, I rea--“

“I said shut up, hyung.” Sungjong ordered, drawing himself closer to the bars separating them. A smile crept to his face when he noticed a slight movement Woohyun had made towards the bars as well. “Let’s leave it behind.” he whispered then. “We got involved in stuff that was none of our business and lost people dear to us. I don’t want to lose you too.”

“I was about to say the same thing.” Woohyun grinned, earning an equally wide grin from the other.

“Of course you were about to say it also.” Sungjong chuckled. “Come here.” he reached out his hand, grabbing Woohyun by the shoulder, pulling him forward.

Their lips met while the cold bars were pressed to their heads from the sides. Ignoring that, Sungjong couldn’t help but smile; everything was suddenly so light and bright and somehow nothing else mattered right there and then. Woohyun however soon pulled away.

“God these bars are so annoying. You have get me out.” he commented, accusingly glaring at the poor metal sticks separating him from Sungjong.

“I’ll try my best. “ Sungjong agreed. “I don’t think just this will satisfy me.”

Then his phone buzzed in his pocket. Seeing how the younger’s mouth stretched into a smile after he’d read the text, Woohyun got curious.

“What’s up?” he asked, scanning Sungjong’s face.

“It’s not going to be me who’s going to get you out of here.” Sungjong grinned. “Myungsoo just texted me.”

“Why Myungsoo?”

“I asked him to bring some stuff to mum since I was running late, but he was napping when I got to his house, so I left everything there with a note. Suppose he’s gotten there just now.” Sungjong explained.

“Well and?” Woohyun pressed on, almost getting impatient.

“Mum’s awake.”


	5. Cure (MS/SG)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which despair is the key.

> _Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul._
> 
> _\- Oscar Wilde_

Sunggyu remembered it well.

He remembered very well how he had once told Dongwoo that one could not be cured of anything if they did not want to be cured. It was always a somewhat painful truth. Sunggyu was hurt by it, yet he‘d never realised. It was one of those rare cases when the pain of loss had become so grave that with time it became minor, almost insignificant.

He had lost someone, yes. He had lost that special someone everyone is looking for. He was lucky enough to find that person, as well as that person was lucky enough to find him. Yet Sunggyu became lost not so soon after; too lost in his illusions of “happily ever after”, in small promises of their relationship being there forever that he did not notice the person fading from his side, disappearing right before his eyes.

Infinity, or  _forever_  if you wish, does not exist after all. Without something ending, there can’t be a start for something else, something  _new_ … Everything comes to an end, however long it takes.

One day, his fated other half was gone; no matter how hard Sunggyu had looked, the man was not by his side any longer; he was gone along with everything that Sunggyu had ever dreamt of - his smile, his eyes, his hair, his body, his personality, his  _everything_. Their future, be it bright or not… it was gone for good and Sunggyu, once again, got lost.

Then, Myungsoo came across his sight one fateful night; broken, vulnerable and hurt in one of worst ways possible yet still alive and in desperate need of someone he could pour his heart to.

And  _that_ … That was where the vicious circle of their lives began.

It happened often that Sunggyu caught himself thinking of his life and how the more he thought of it, the more it seemed like an endless string of coincidences; fate’s games. It happened often that he caught himself talking to the thin air, silence answering to all of his questions. It happened often that he wished for him and Myungsoo to never meet, even when he was positive about the feelings he had for the younger boy. There was  _something_  he felt for him.

Whether it was love or just mere despair that linked them together, he did not know.

 

**_For me, love’s like the wind - unknown, unseen._ **

**_I see the trees bending where it’s been,_ **

**_I know it leaves wreckage where it’s blown._ **

**_I really don’t know what “I love you“ means,_ **

**_I think it means “Don’t leave me here alone."_ **

****

What he was doing to Myungsoo ever since they’d met was wrong, he knew about it. Locking the younger boy in every day not allowing him to go out without his permission; it was  _so_  wrong on so many levels, he knew, but he couldn’t just stop, apologize or chicken out.

Because Myungsoo utterly  _needed_  him just as he needed Myungsoo.

Sunggyu knew that the other boy was just and only  _giving in_  everything that Sunggyu’d asked him or was doing to him. He  _knew_  that Myungsoo had no feelings for him whatsoever, but even so, he stayed with him because without him, he, as well, would slowly into dust and disappear like the man Sunggyu was destined to spend the rest of his life with. And naturally, Sunggyu couldn’t let that happen.

He had become an overproctective, selfish monster, hurting the one he was protecting, because, as we know, he couldn’t lose anyone else.

Their meeting, all those months ago, had led them to many nights Myungsoo spent engulfed in Sunggyu’s lust, to many days he lived as a prisoner, to all those times he couldn’t say no to the man who took him in when there was no place for him in the world anymore. Myungsoo had nights to get hurt and days to sort his thoughts as well as to learn how to forget about physical pain. His still somehow sane mind was the only thing that was keeping him going.

Or was he not sane at all?

It was just another night when Sunggyu slammed him against nearest wall, starting to trail kisses down his neck. Night when he got his clothes removed twice as fast than Sunggyu did. Night when he let out the exact sounds Sunggyu wanted to hear, words Sunggyu wanted to hear.

Everything always went so fast; the world was always marching forward instead of slowing down or stopping for a while to take a break. Though sometimes, Myungsoo noticed, the air became clearer, easier for him to breathe. He didn’t know why it could not stay that way forever; why the air would always become thick and heavy again, suffocating him.

The world, after all, was unpredictable. It was the same with Sunggyu. Despite him being there, Myungsoo felt partly alone every night. Yet, everything in his world was connected to Sunggyu; everything in his world revolved around Sunggyu.

**_I love the way you dominate and violate me._ **

Myungsoo felt the touches,  the breaths of the other against his skin, the kisses, the pain; he felt everything and he of course let Sunggyu know about that in proper ways. Nonetheless, that was  _it_. Never had he felt anything else,  _anything_  that would be at least weak delight or pleasure.

Because it was not  _only_  the physical pain he had suppressed.

Everything Sunggyu’s light touches and kisses could give him, everything all those heated nights could  _ever_  give him…

He had forced himself to forget how to feel it all.

It was just another night when he was receiving compliments of how incredible he felt and small, almost inaudible confessions of love that reached his ears every other minute, which, regardless of how much out of breath he was, he gladly returned.

Even though Sunggyu was being rough every single night, which had Myungsoo limping for the following day; during their rather heated sessions, Myungsoo couldn’t think of a place he’d rather be at. There was no place for him on Earth except for the one beside Sunggyu; that, as he himself claimed it, was and always had been his  _home_.

It was soon over, sooner than usual, Myungsoo thought; however that night, that  _very_  night which was just like any other, Sunggyu did something he hadn’t ever done. When seeing Myungsoo’s pained face, which he somehow had failed to cover, Sunggyu picked him up in somewhat affectionate way and carried him to their shared bed. Myungsoo merely stared in utter confusion as he was placed down on the sheets, having Sunggyu hovering above.

Myungsoo waited for him to say or do something, but as seconds passed, it almost gave off the feeling of Sunggyu waiting for something as well. So Myungsoo tried to read in his eyes; all he saw there was pure bewilderment which, he thought, was quite rare. Sunggyu was a man of order, there had always been peace and wit in his eyes; never a sign of confusion or panic.

Not having the luck of knowing what to do, Myungsoo cracked a sheepish smile in order to at least break the ice that suddenly formed around them.

Sunggyu didn’t even blink.

**_I hate you for the way you smile when you look at me._ **

“Are… Are you okay, hyung?” Myungsoo asked then, reaching out his hand to cup the other’s face. That night was indeed strange; even when only the smallest details were different from any other night. Usually it would be Sunggyu to ask if he was okay, if he needed something, if it didn’t hurt much…

Usually it would be Sunggyu to entreat him to talk to him when Myungsoo was too hurt to say a word.

But then again, what had Myungsoo been doing all those months when he had spent his days replaying the nights before to notice all those little things that should have stayed invisible to him, to them both?

“Yeah.” Sunggyu replied, corners of his mouth going slightly up also.

Myungsoo sighed in content.

**_I love you for the way you look when you lie to me._ **

There wasn’t any weight coming off his shoulders like it would if he was anyhow relieved. No, it never was like that. Myungsoo was just assured that some little things were never going to change.

_When one learns to lie too much it becomes a habit; when one learns to lie too much, they become blind and do not see the consequences of their lies._

After Sunggyu had turned out the lights, Myungsoo blindly searched for his body to snuggle closer. He hated being alone in the dark, Sunggyu knew about it and so he protectively wrapped his arms around the boy and held him close. He started humming a song and felt a bit relieved as Myungsoo relaxed in his arms.

Sunggyu remembered it well.

He remembered well how Dongwoo had once asked him why he didn’t want to be cured of past. He remembered well Dongwoo’s sceptical face he’d made after Sunggyu had put on his best innocent smile and told him that there was nothing to be cured.

He remembered well how Dongwoo had left without any word.

Nine in the morning.

That was the time Sunggyu woke up every day. It was his favourite time of the day, he decided. Waking up, to most people, meant annoyance of actually having to get up and start a new day. However, Sunggyu had always enjoyed waking up; it was some sort of a chance to him. Chance to live another day, chance to tell people he treasured that he did so.

_But then again, why he felt like dying every day; why he couldn’t say a word to anyone?_

Sun was poking through the curtains that morning; it was something new, Sunggyu thought, as it all but rained for the previous two weeks. He woke up to sunshine falling on Myungsoo’s sleeping face right in front of his eyes and that, he concluded, was the most beautiful sight he had ever witnessed. It is said that  _imperfection_  is beauty, but how could he search for any flaw in the world’s eighth wonder?

He had to ask himself several times how it was even possible for someone like Myungsoo to exist. He never complained, never a said a word against Sunggyu, never whined when something didn’t go his way. How it was possible, Sunggyu wondered, that Myungsoo had always chosen to stay and not to escape which would have been more  _understandable_.

**_I hate you for always choosing me and not someone else._ **

He had to sigh in annoyance once Dongwoo’s face crept up to his mind and blocked him from admiring the very boy next to him. He was to see Dongwoo again that day.

Cursing the said boy to himself, Sunggyu pressed a quick kiss on Myungsoo’s temple knowing he wouldn’t wake up and got up, rather reluctantly. As his mind was still a bit clouded with sleep, he rather staggered to the bathroom, aiming for nice, hot shower. He knew what was waiting for him once he’d meet Dongwoo again, he _knew_  that the guy would ask him enormously high number of questions; Sunggyu couldn’t avoid it and Dongwoo wouldn’t drop it, not even once.

Therefore, just accepting his fate, he quickly finished the shower, got dressed and disappeared from the apartment, his hair being still damp. The sky was perfectly blue that morning; almost too blue for Sunggyu’s liking. He had always sympathised with clouds more; they as if reflected his not so perfect self. Sometimes, Sunggyu thought, Myungsoo was his perfect sky and he was that grey raincloud which killed the light fighting its way through to Myungsoo’s life.

That image was quite funny as well as sad. Nevertheless, Sunggyu had always been a selfish person and he couldn’t drift from his perfect sky and leave it to its perfection alone. As he walked, he somehow sensed that there was something very wrong yet to happen that day particularly; his throbbing head let him know about it properly. Meeting Dongwoo had always been something that brought pain to his head, however his gut had always been fine unlike that very morning.

Five minutes, maybe less, was all it took for him to arrive at the meeting place. Sunggyu spotted Dongwoo immediately; the psychologist’s quite unusual hair colour and rather flamboyant choice of clothing was definitely something to go by.

The coffee shop which served them as a meeting place for that day, Sunggyu thought, was something completely according to Dongwoo’s liking. He did not know why he felt that way, he simply did. Somehow, even when it should be the other way around, Dongwoo, to Sunggyu, was an opened book. Even with such a serious profession, Dongwoo had quite lively personality; over the months, Sunggyu had discovered much more than he would have even wanted to.

“How have you been?” Dongwoo asked casually, once the latter sat down across from him.

Something along the lines of  _‘It’s been only two weeks since I last saw your face, how do you think I have been, you cheeky bastard?’_ popped in Sunggyu’s head immediately, yet he kept it in as the consequences of letting something similar out would certainly not be nice. “Quite the same.” he answered instead, letting a pinch of sarcasm remain in his words.

“That’s good, I suppose.” Dongwoo said, taking a sip of his drink.

“You suppose?” Sunggyu blinked. That was quite unusual of Dongwoo. “Aren’t you supposed to scramble something down to that little notebook of yours instead of sipping coffee and staring out of the window?”

“I don’t have my notes here.” the latter chuckled, still perfectly calm. “I’m not meeting you as your doctor today, Sunggyu. I called you here as a friend.”

Sunggyu blinked in confusion.

The word ‘friend’ made him flinch a bit. He honestly didn’t like Dongwoo as a friend, he didn’t like him at all; sometimes it even felt like Dongwoo was trying to make him go nuts, not the other way around.

The latter apparently thought and felt otherwise.

Maybe though, Dongwoo was lying. Psychologists somehow have to understand a human’s mind, or at least try to and for that, they have to understand their own minds first. Dongwoo definitely was not stupid; he was clever to an extent Sunggyu didn’t know and didn’t want to know. Intelligence always had been scary and seeing how Dongwoo was oddly calm that day,  _calmer_  than usual, that feeling of something being wrong returned to Sunggyu’s gut.

“How come?” he asked after a pause.

“To be honest with you, I’m worried.” Dongwoo sighed, placing the half-empty cup back on the table. “I’m worried, Sunggyu.” he repeated. And truth to be told, Dongwoo wasn’t lying. The day before he had gone through his notes he had about Sunggyu; things were not nice.

“About what?” Sunggyu asked, sceptically watching his so-called ‘friend’.

“You.”

Sunggyu scoffed. “I don’t know what I expected. There’s nothing to be worried about, Dongwoo. I mean it, I’m perfectly fine.” he assured the other.

“Are you, really?” Dongwoo asked, his facial expression immediately changing back to its usual calm appearance with little smirk dancing on the lips.

“Is there a reason why I shouldn’t be?” Sunggyu asked, being quite tempted to wipe that smirk away.

“That’s something  _you_  should tell  _me_ , isn’t it?” Dongwoo stated, not expecting an answer. “How’s your boyfriend?” he asked then, changing the subject.

“Why are you asking about him?”

“Because obviously, he’s the one you spend most of your time with. It must feel nice to have someone who will always be there for you, right?” Dongwoo chuckled.

“Are you playing with me right now?” Sunggyu asked, annoyed.

“Do you think I am?”

Sunggyu’s head started to hurt more and more, Dongwoo’s questions were not the cause though.  _Memories_  were. Memories that unfortunately were never going to leave, that were never going to be erased from his already weary mind.

He remembered it well.

He remembered well how everything had been his fault. It was him, it was always him who did everything wrong no matter how hard he tried to convice himself that it was right. People were always turning their backs on him, because he was wrong; what he was doing was wrong.  _People_  though were all the same, Sunggyu thought; pathethic hypocrites, judgmental bastards. They didn’t know what he had gone through; they didn’t know a goddamn thing about him and he shouldn’t care about them.

Yet he did.

It happened often that Sunggyu caught himself occasionally glancing at people, trying to read from their faces. It happened often that he felt bad when without reason; people made him feel that way just with their mere presence. Even when surrounded by a crowd, he was alone. Even with people around, there was no one.

Dongwoo knew though. He knew.

“Stop this.” Dongwoo said. “You’re just hurting yourself; you’re hurting you  _both_  and you know it.”

“You don’t understand it.” Sunggyu protested, hiding his face in his hands.

“Enlighten me.”

“Why should I?”

“Because I want to help you.”

Sunggyu sighed. “I know you think I’m just trying to move on. It’s not like that. Myungsoo is…  _special_  to me. He makes  _me_  feel special…”

“Wait.” Dongwoo interrupted, calm façade long gone. “The Myungsoo you’re talking about is  _Kim_  Myungsoo, right?”

Sunggyu nodded sheepishly, not really knowing why Dongwoo was starting to panic.

“Does he know where you are?”

“Why? I mean… How do  _you_  even know my boyfriend?” Sunggyu asked, crossing his arms.

“I’ve had many patients, I know many people and I can assure you that  _Myungsoo_  is not an usual name. I’m quite positive that we’re talking about the same person.” Dongwoo stated, leaving Sunggyu to stare in confusion. “Does that boy know where you are or when you’re coming back?” he asked again.

“No, but…”

That was when realisation finally hit him. He’d finally realised what was that something so very wrong that day; his bad feeling finally made sense.

The sound of a door closing brought Myungsoo from his sleep. He groaned lightly as along with his brain his body started to come alive and pain shot up from his bottom. There wasn’t a reason to get up just yet, he thought, and so he turned around, again blindly searching for Sunggyu’s body. However all his heavy hands found next to him was an empty, cold space.

He let his one eye open just to see his hands couldn’t even find anything because the space that was usually occupied by Sunggyu was empty. Despite the pain dut to which every muscle in his body screamed for help, he immediately shot up and rapidly blinked the sleep away. The room was empty and so were Sunggyu’s clothes as the floor had just Myungsoo’s scattered around.

Myungsoo literally felt his blood racing through his veins just as his heart started to hammer against his ribcage. As fast as he could, he threw the first pants that came to his hand on and rushed out of the bedroom.

“Hyung?” he called to the apartment.

When there was no answer coming to him, he quickly searched all the other rooms, hoping that Sunggyu just didn’t hear him. However Myungsoo lost even that last spark of home that had been surviving within him until that very moment when he’d realised that Sunggyu just wasn’t there.

_Where are you?_

It was happening again. When he’d finally thought he would get to live on peacefully, he was left alone once again. Immense anxiety fell on him, the breaths he took in were coming faster. Icy drops of sweat fought their way through and broke out on his forehead as his legs gave in and he let his body slide against a wall down to the floor.

**_I love you for never delivering me from pain._ **

His hands started shaking, his vision became blurry.The apartment was spinning around him as he slowly and painfully started to lose himself. There were times when he’d try to convice himself that he was going to be okay when hugging his body close; there also were time when it worked. But as it became worse over the years, Myungsoo had given up on trying.

What was the name Dongwoo called it when he’d first visited him?

_An extreme fear of abandonment; also autophobia._

Yes, that was it.

**_Of becoming a book that no one will read,_ **

**_of becoming a song that no one will lïsten to,_ **

**_of being abandoned like a film in an empty theater,_ **

**_I’m afraid._ **

We all are scared of something, are we not? Sometimes we do not get the opportunity to discover our fear and Death comes sooner. Sometimes, when we do know what scares us, it scares us to the point where we don’t know our own names anymore. Sometimes, after the fear vanishes and we begin to retrieve our minds back, we wish to die rather than experiencing another encounter with our fear. But then again, aren’t we afraid of death as well?

What’s waiting for us on the other side, aren’t we afraid of that too?

Ever since Myungsoo was a baby, there always was someone with him. It was, he thought, almost impossible string of coincidences that kept him away from discovering his fear for so long. Whether it was his younger brother who was born later, his parents or his grandparents who were with him, he was never alone. No one ever knew what kind of dread Myungsoo quietly kept inside.

Until one rainy Wednesday, two weeks after Myungsoo’s fifteenth birthday.

_“I still don’t get why you have to leave so early.” Myungsoo puffed his cheeks, watching his father putting luggages in the trunk of their car._

_“Moonsoo is supposed to be at the airport a few hours before the take-off, you know that. And it’s also-“_

_“-far to the airport. Yes, dad, I know.” Myungsoo cringed, rubbing sleep out of his eyes._

_It was merely seven in the morning. Even so though, he could sense the excitement oozing from his younger brother, no matter where in the house he was. Moonsoo was a talented kid and his skills in soccer had gotten him and his team to an international competition held overseas. And Myungsoo was proud. Very proud indeed._

_“Hyung!” came Moonsoo’s voice from behind him as the boy was making his way towards the car._

_“There’s the champion!” Myungsoo grinned widely at the younger._

_“Can’t you come with us, hyung? It’s always boring with just mum and dad.” Moonsoo asked, obviously referring to the car trips during which Myungsoo would usually stay at home with his grandmother babysitting him despite his protests._

_“I heard you, young man!” their dad announced, with his head buried in the trunk._

_“I’ll make sure I’ll be the first one you’ll see at the airport once you come back with the trophy, alright?” Myungsoo said, ruffling the younger’s already messy hair._

_“Okay!” Moonsoo nodded excitedly._

_“It’s time to go, honey.” their mother said as she made her way past them, nervously checking her watch every other second._

_“Go.” Myungsoo nudged the boy, waving at him. “And don’t forget to make hyung proud, understand?”_

_“Don’t worry!” the boy waved back, hopping to the back seat._

_Myungsoo leaned against the doorframe, watching the car moving. Confusion made its way to his face once it stopped after a few metres. Myungsoo then saw his mother getting out of the car, rushing to him._

_“I almost forgot, Myungsoo, honey, your grandma is sick so she won’t come today. If something happens, we’ll be on the phone, okay? Go to school in time. We’ll be back sometime in the afternoon.” she said, pecking Myungsoo’s cheek, leaving a mark of her lipstick there._

_“I know, mum. Go already, Moonsoo’s going to explode with excitement.” he chuckled, sending his mother away._

_And so she went with a smile while Myungsoo watched how the car finally disappeared from his sight. With a sigh, he returned back to the hall, closing the door behind him. Facing the silence of a completely empty house practically for the first time in his life, he felt quite uneasy. It was suddenly so big for him alone. He shrugged it off nevertheless._

_There was still half an hour at the very least before Sungyeol would come for him and they would go to school together. A thought of sleeping some more came to his mind immediately, however he sent it back where it came from as soon as it arose. For once, he thought, he could go to school with full stomach unlike he did every day because of his very favourite activity of ‘sleeping some more’. The mere image of delicious breakfast made saliva pile up in his mouth._

_Munching his breakfast happily, there suddenly came a knock on the door. Glancing at the clock, it was quite late already, as it appeared. Myungsoo left the table immediately, storming to the bathroom to brush his teeth. The knocking didn’t die down so with his toothbrush still sticking out of his mouth, he rushed to open the door, tripping over something in the process._

_The door revealed Sungyeol’s very amused face which had Myungsoo almost want to slam the door shut again. He held back nonetheless and invited Sungyeol in for a while._

_“Wasn’t your brother supposed to leave today?” Sungyeol asked curiously, waiting for Myungsoo to come out of the bathroom._

_“He did leave.” Myungsoo replied._

_“Then why is this still here?”_

_Myungsoo stuck his head out of the bathroom door to see what Sungyeol was pointing at. He remembered his mother packing unnecessary amount of clothes for Moonsoo; apparently they forgot to put one bag with big nametag saying ‘Kim Moonsoo’ to the car. Needless to say that that very bag caused Myungsoo to trip as he was going to open the door for Sungyeol earlier._

_“They must have forgotten it.” Myungsoo muttered, suddenly rummaging through his pockets._

_“Your phone’s here if that’s what you’re looking for.” Sungyeol grinned, handing Myungsoo his cellphone, which he had spotted  as soon as he stepped inside the house._

_“Thanks.” Myungsoo smiled gratefully, looking through the contact list right away. Dialing his mother’s number, he as well started to put on his shoes in the process, since they really were running late._

_Sungyeol rather amusedly watched his friend dealing with his mother through the phone, the woman surely was easily scared of potential accidents. With the phone still close to his ear, Myungsoo locked the door and they both set off; Sungyeol though couldn’t get rid of the smirk that grew wider every time Myungsoo said something along the lines of ‘No I’m okay, mum. Just come back and get the bag.’_

_The day went quite ordinarily, Myungsoo thought so at least. It was just before the end of third lesson that the teacher had asked Myungsoo to go with her and dismissed the class even before the bell rang. Myungsoo wondered what was going on, but also had not much interest in it as such things happened quite frequently._

_Something wasn’t right though if two policemen were something to go by. Myungsoo quietly sat down after they had arrived to the teachers’ room and waited. He watched as one of the policemen stepped forward, bending over to look him directly in the eyes and squeezed his shoulder._

_“There was an accident, son. I’m sorry.”_

__  


Myungsoo remembered that day very well though he would give anything he had to forget. It was all his fault, wasn’t it? If only he hadn’t called them to return, if only he hadn’t noticed the bag there, nothing would have happened. He remembered very well how within a few seconds he suddenly had no one. There was no one to wait for him to return home from school, no one to cook dinner for him, no one he could talk to, no one to look after him.

_No one_.

His gradparents lived far back then, Sungyeol soon moved away too; even in the small circle of people that surrounded him, he was alone; left to himself. And he thought, maybe he derserved it all. For every of those fifteen years, he had been capitalising on everybody, not giving anything in return. To be left behind, he deserved that.

He knew he did and he hated it.

_Did you really leave me?_

As he sat there, hugging his body close, he asked himself what actually was the point of him living on when he’d been dead ever since his grandparents’ funeral. As he sat there, he tried calling out for Sunggyu to silence a few times more, somehow still hoping that the latter hadn’t left him alone.

However, there really was no one to answer him.

Whenever Sunggyu went somewhere, he had always told him where he was, when he’d be back or  _something_  that assured Myungsoo he’ll return. That morning, there was no note, no message, no Sunggyu.

**_I love you for every time you gave up on me._ **

“Autophobia, you say?”

“For the fifth time,  _yes_ , Myungsoo suffers from autophobia.”

Sunggyu grumbled nervously as he sat on the passenger seat next to Dongwoo, who, Sunggyu thanked heavens, went to their meeting by car.

Sunggyu had never noticed Myungsoo’s strange uneasiness whenever he was about to go out, be it work or hanging out with friends; or he rather never paid much attention to it, for which he hated himself more than it was possible when it finally made sense. And after very brief lecture from Dongwoo about what actually autophobia was, Sunggyu had noticed that the psychologist was even more nervous than he was. He couldn’t even blame him when he knew the consequences.

After all, everything was Sunggyu’s fault, wasn’t it?

It finally made sense; all the questions of why Myungsoo had never left and had chosen to stay - he  _couldn’t_  have left. All the questions of why he had never argued with Sunggyu and had always smiled at him - he was  _scared_  he’d lose him if something went just slightly wrong.

For the second time in his life, Sunggyu actually felt like crying. He had always been dry-eyed, however all those tears he’d been holding in for so many years were spilled once he had found out that the man who still had a special place in his heart was no longer by his side. Never in his life did he cry that much as he did back then.

When Myungsoo was at stake because of his carelessness, the rather unfamiliar feeling of tears stinging in his eyes came back after such a long time.

**_I hate you for every time you ever bled for me._ **

“Say, Dongwoo.” Sunggyu said, clearing his throat. “How do you even know Myungsoo? You didn’t answer me before.”

Dongwoo sighed. “Why did you start seeing me, Sunggyu?”

Sunggyu eyed the latter in confusion. Obviously, Dongwoo was going to start his questioning again; it seemed like it was becoming a habit to Dongwoo, but Sunggyu was somehow used to it. “Sungjong, I mean my little cousin, wouldn’t stop bugging me about it. He kept saying I needed help since he didn’t want to be the one to find me dead drowned in alcohol one day.” he explained completely casually as he knew that Dongwoo was used to even worse cases than he was.

“Do you think I helped you?” Dongwoo asked.

“As much as I hate to say it, yes, I think you did.”

“Would you go and find me by yourself if Sungjong didn’t force you to?”

“That’s highly unlikely.” Sunggyu answered without hesitation.

“Some of us need people to tell us we need help, Sunggyu.” Dongwoo stated, his eyes never leaving the road ahead. “I was utterly shocked when Myungsoo came to my office for the first time. After I found out what troubled him, I didn’t know how he even  _managed_  to find me. And I still don’t know it.”

“He found you himself?”

“Some of us need people to tell us we need help. In your case it was Sungjong. However Myungsoo had no one to tell him so, but even so he realised he needed help and set off to find someone who would help him. And I happened to be that someone.” Dongwoo explained. “I have been working in this field for a few years already, but I’ve never seen someone so  _lost_.”

“How long has it been since he started seeing you?” Sunggyu asked quietly.

“Over a year, I think.” Dongwoo replied. “He was with me every single day and then it suddenly stopped. It was when you came to him. The last time he came to see me, he thanked me for everything I had done for him and that  _Sunggyu-hyung_  would take care of him from then on.”

“Oh…” Sunggyu exhaled, clearly remembering the night when he and Myungsoo met.

Back then, Sunggyu was hanging out with Sungjong at one out-of-the-way bar. However after his cousin had allowed alcohol to let his diva self come out and he had danced away, Sunggyu was left alone. And so he went sit right at the bar, ordering one last drink before thinking of paying and leaving. There he noticed Myungsoo sitting beside him.

He didn’t remember how exactly the two of them had started talking, but he was sure that Myungsoo’s drunken state of mind had played its role in it. Talking had led to inviting each other to another drinks. Inviting had led to both of them almost not being able to walk straight, which had also led them walking to Sunggyu’s place together.

That night, Sunggyu thought, was one of the most beautiful nights in his life so far.

“I think he needed someone who would be able to be with him all the time; I wasn’t able to do so because of working. I’m glad he has you, though I would never imagine the two of you being together. But it wasn’t that hard to realise the Sunggyu he was talking about was you.” Dongwoo said, tearing Sunggyu apart from his memories.

_It wasn’t that hard to realise you kept him in, not allowing him to go out._

“We’re here.” he added, parking the car.

As if on cue, Sunggyu raced out of the car towards the apartment complex. He heard Dongwoo shouting at him from behind, he didn’t care. Ditching the lift, he ran up the stairs to tenth floor, immediately rushing towards his door.

“Myungsoo?!” he shouted once he nearly kicked the door open.

However there was no answer coming.

_Where are you?_

Sunggyu ran through the whole apartment yet Myungsoo was nowhere to be found. Screaming his name until his throat itself was screaming for help, Sunggyu was slowly giving up. If he had ever felt bad it was nothing compared to what he felt that very moment. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t. He wanted to kill himself on spot, but for Myungsoo’s sake he couldn’t.

**_I hate you for always saving me from myself._ **

“So he’s not here…” Dongwoo mumbled from the door once he’d found crouched Sunggyu in the middle of the living room, struggling to bawl his eyes out.

“What do I do now?” Sunggyu murmured, hugging himself as first tear fell down to the floor. “We need to find him, Dongwoo. I swear to you if something happens to him I’ll kill myself.” he got up then, rushing back to the front door.

“Hey, slow down.” Dongwoo stopped the other’s tracks. “Look around, what do you see?” he asked, turning Sunggyu around and making him look back through the apartment.

“I don’t have damn time for your psychological nonsense.” Sunggyu protested, trying to wiggle from Dongwoo’s grasp.

“I said look around.” Dongwoo demanded. “It’s a mess here. He panicked when he couldn’t find you and now you’re starting to panic as well. Calm down, yeah?”

“How can you expect me to calm down?” Sunggyu huffed impatiently.

“Look, I’ll take the car and go look for him. You stay here.” Dongwoo stated, pushing Sunggyu down on a sofa and took a seat beside him.

“No way. I can’t just stay here.” Sunggyu retorted.

“You can and you will. What if Myungsoo came back and found just an empty apartment again? He needs  _you_. I’ll find him and send him back, okay?” Dongwoo said, smiling lightly.

Sunggyu opened his mouth to protest again, but no words came out. Completely satisfied, Dongwoo got up, giving the latter one last reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.

“If you need to keep yourself busy and think about something else, you can clean this mess. You have my number, so we’ll keep in touch.” with that he strode out, leaving Sunggyu to himself.

And Sunggyu sat there, crying silently and praying for Myungsoo to come back. Tears fell and so did his remaining energy. It did not take long before he fell into deep dreamless slumber with tears still drying on his cheeks.

It was the buzzing of his cellphone coming from his pocket that woke him up several hours later. Blinking the sleep away, he brought the device to his ear, assuming it was Dongwoo calling him.

“Hello?” he grunted to the phone.

_“Is he home yet?”_

Yes, it was Dongwoo. “No.” Sunggyu answered, feeling a lump forming in his throat.

_“I tried looking for him everywhere…”_  Dongwoo sighed.

“Try harder.” Sunggyu demanded.

_“I can’t, I even asked people if they had seen him.”_

“Damn, it’s getting dark outside.” Sunggyu muttered, tears threatening to fall again. “It’s all my fault, isn’t it?”

Dongwoo didn’t answer. Taking that as yes, Sunggyu sighed shakily, quickly thinking of something he could do to find Myungsoo. His mind however, was completely blank. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to think of  _anything_. Maybe he deserved Myungsoo running away from him. Maybe he deserved to get lost once more.

He faintly heard Dongwoo speaking to him through the phone, but he didn’t pay much attention to it as his head throbbed at the mere thought of losing everything he had again. He looked around himself; carpets were rucked up, clothes were scattered around, even a lamp was knocked down on the floor. Sunggyu didn’t want to even imagine how immensely scared Myungsoo must have been.

With the phone still pressed to his ear, he let his body fall flat on the sofa and tried not to lose focus on Dongwoo’s voice. The latter was talking something about not panicking and trying to search for Myungsoo in the morning. Sunggyu wasn’t processing the words anymore, he just listened to the voice.

“Dongwoo…” he said then, interrupting the other male’s speech.

_“Yes?”_

“We will find him, won’t we?”

_“We will.”_

Sunggyu sighed. Sometimes he thought that his whole existence was one big mistake; he couldn’t find any other explanation of why people were constantly lying to him. Dongwoo was a positive man, he’d learned that through the months they had been meeting each other. Sunggyu though, despite his cold and steady mask he kept on all the time, was a paranoid softie when it came to interaction with other people.  

Whenever someone told him something, he’d think to himself  _‘they could be lying right now’_. He had grown suspicious of everyone, even his friends and family. Everyone had turned to his enemy. However, what bothered him the most was that he couldn’t think of a reason why it had become that way. He was just waiting for the time when he’d start seeing Myungsoo as his enemy also.

All of sudden there was a click of a door. Sunggyu immediatey shot up and listened. Noises were coming from the hall; there definitely was someone there. As quietly as he could, he quickly got up and went to look. To his immense relief, completely wrecked Myungsoo was standing there looking like he was about to collapse any second.

Mumbling a quick  _‘Nevermind, he’s here.’_  to the phone, he then tossed it to one of the four corners, not sparing it a second thought and immediately threw his arms around the younger.

Myungsoo broke out to uncontrollable sobbing, shakily hugging Sunggyu back.

“I’m so sorry, baby.  _So_  sorry.” Sunggyu whispered, fisting the fabric of Myungsoo’s shirt. Sunggyu himself felt tears falling over the edges of his eyes as the boy kept shaking in his embrace.

“I thought... you left m-me.” Myungsoo stuttered, tightening his arms around Sunggyu’s back.

Sunggyu then pulled away, just to see the boy was staring down on the floor. “Look at me, baby.” he said then, lightly cupping Myungsoo’s face. Doing as he was told, Myungsoo locked his eyes with Sunggyu’s, which, just as his own, were full of water.

“I will never leave you, remember that.” Sunggyu smiled, gaze dropping down to Myungso’s still trembling lips. “I love you too much for that.” he added, whispering.

**_I love you for always driving me insane._ **

Myungsoo too smiled a little, before closing his eyes and waiting.

**_I love you for the way you look when you lie to me._ **

Sunggyu gladly aligned their lips, while Myungsoo was pleased to kiss back. It felt so unbelievably  _right_  to Sunggyu; just like their first time. It had always started with a soft kiss; it had always continued with heavy make out session where Myungsoo would find himself sandwiched between Sunggyu and a wall.

Exceptions had always been rare.

The vicious circle of their lives had begun the night they'd met at the aforementioned bar. They had been fighting with it ever since.

They had never won.

A few miles away from their apartment, a troubled psychologist was sitting in his car, thinking. He had always tried his best to help his patients and almost always had succeeded. Exceptions had always been rare, yet they had always existed. Sunggyu with Myungsoo were Dongwoo’s exceptions.

No matter how hard he tried to convice himself they would be better off without him being in their lives at all, he couldn’t stand the fact he couldn’t help them. That he didn’t have a way to help them win.

Dongwoo sighed, looking at his notes. He remembered well how Sunggyu had once told him that one could not be cured of anything if they didn’t want to be cured.

Maybe, Dongwoo thought, just  _maybe_  there was a pinch of truth in those words.


	6. Deceptions (WH/SG)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which one's reality doesn't necessarily have to be real.

 

“Are you listening?”

Sunggyu snapped out of his trance and shaking his head, he turned to Sungjong who most likely had been asking him the same question repeatedly for ten minutes. That day especially, Sunggyu couldn’t get himself to pay attention whatever he was supposed to pay attention to for more than five minutes and precisely, it was driving the people around him rather crazy. Or maybe, he thought, it was him who was losing his mind.

The reality wasn’t far from that thought anyway.

“Sorry…” he muttered an apology, trying to push his thoughts back to the corner of his mind. “What was it?” he asked, then, smiling lightly.

“Jesus, hyung. What’s with you today?” Sungjong ruffled his hair in frustration. “I was asking - listen  _carefully_ , okay - if you want to hang out tonight. Besides other things, it seems that you, _especially you,_  need to get drunk.”

There it was again.

Sunggyu wasn’t really the type to go out and drink until he would pass out, but he wasn’t the type to despise alcohol either. He admitted that even people as reserved as him needed to let go sometimes. What he didn’t understand why Sungjong said that it was  _especially_  him, who needed to let go. He was perfectly fine, he decided, and the mere thought of having a hangover the next morning made him wince lightly.

“I’ll pass, Jongie. I have…  _work_  to do.” he declined, maintaining his smile, as he observed the glass full of ice tea in front of him. However, knowing that when being related to someone as outgoing as Sungjong, he wouldn’t get away from the younger boy so easily.

“Ah… I see.”

Much to his surprise though, Sungjong gave in immediately. Sunggyu looked up from his tea, just to stare at his cousin blankly, as if waiting for some further explanation. When Sungjong said nothing, the smile on Sunggyu’s face turned into a smirk.

“Who are you and what did you do to my cousin? Wait no, keep him. I like you better.” he commented then, taking a sip from his drink.

“Don’t even try to be funny, hyung. You’re not.” Sungjong scoffed. “I’ll go alone with Woohyun-hyung then.” he added.

Sometimes though, Sunggyu felt like strangling the younger on spot. Sungjong knew very well that Woohyun was Sunggyu’s weak spot and using him against him to win was rather unethical if not anything else. Sunggyu himself though was stubborn and didn’t like letting the sly little boy win so often. Therefore, deciding it would work for a better purpose, he merely pouted and pretended like he didn’t care.

Their conversation then slipped to different subjects and the planned outing that night was long forgotten. Every time the two of them went out to fetch themselves lunch or something, it would be Sungjong who would talk all the time, while Sunggyu would keep nodding and throwing in some fitting comments here and there. Neither of them did seem to mind, though.

Half an hour passed and Sungjong got a phone call out of sudden. To Sunggyu, it didn’t look like the boy would be done talking to whoever he was talking to anytime soon, and so, his mind went blank again as he blocked everything and stared out of the window. The world was running however fast it wanted, he noticed; sometimes it would feel like the Wednesday when he spilled hot coffee on himself when he was eleven was just the day before. At other times, one minute would feel like a decade.

Sunggyu smiled to himself as he watched people pacing on the streets, rushing to work or home to solve their own problems, to meet with their friends, fighting with their own lives, their own troubles that life had prepared for them. Sunggyu though, found it almost impossible - that everyone in the world had just as much complicated lives as he did, maybe even worse. He couldn’t imagine that. But then again, he couldn’t imagine a lot of things.

Sometimes, Sunggyu found himself exaggerating everything he was doing. Sometimes it was his anger he couldn’t control, sometimes it was his laziness, sometimes even sadness took over his mind leaving his body frame in ruins. Sometimes he, even though unknowingly, started to act like a teenage high school girl. It was usually Sungjong who suggested him to visit a psychiatrist after witnessing such  _scenes_.

Sunggyu though, more or less had a reason to be like that.

It’d been said before that Woohyun was Sunggyu’s weak spot.

Even so, Sunggyu wasn’t that type of a person who would carelessly go and pour everything out. No; he really wasn’t like that and he knew it as well as he was completely resigned to his fate and was, seemingly, okay with it. Okay with watching Woohyun from afar and being a good friend to him. He’d always listened to whatever Woohyun had to say, he’d always had a way to say the right thing; it was somehow in his nature, he thought. Many people struggle with comforting people the right way, often they can’t find the right words and they try to say something when it’s better to say silent.

Sunggyu was one of those rare people who knew when to speak and what to say for that matter and when to stay quiet in order to comfort someone. People he knew silently envied him that feature without him knowing. Naturally, when he saw that someone was in a need of help, he would go and really help them in a best way possible. He tried to help Woohyun the most, even when the younger didn’t exactly need it.

And Sungjong knew. He knew and tried to make the two of them spend as much as time together as possible. He knew Sunggyu was head over heels in love with Woohyun therefore he really  _tried_  to finally get them together so he wouldn’t be forced to watch Sunggyu’s fake smiles every day. Of course, it was hard with someone as stubborn as Sunggyu. Sungjong sighed at the sight on front of him. His phone call ended almost as fast as it started; Sunggyu though didn’t seem to notice and continued staring out of the window, blocking everyone and everything that might disturb him.

And Sugjong wondered, assuming there really was such a thing as happy ending, whether Sunggyu would get one in the end.

The very same day in the evening, Sunggyu found himself lazing around. The work he had to do, as he told Sungjong earlier, was basically doing nothing. He was bored, jaded and apathetic. At one point he even regretted rejecting Sungjong’s offer to go out and forget about everything at least for a little while. But then again, he was  _scared_  what could happen if he really went out with those two. Sunggyu was a coward.

And he knew it very well. Ever since being a child, he had always been scared of everything that gave off the slightest marks of being different to his extremely specific specifications of being harmless. Besides that fact, which was still quite understandable, he decided, he had also always considered every possible consequence of his possible choices. Hence the reason why he’d rejected Sungjong before; Sunggyu wasn’t very good with alcohol and assuming that Woohyun with Sungjong _were,_  he was scared that something rather  _unpleasant_  might happen.

He let out a frustrated groan, hating his personality as much as he could. He lazily reached his arm out, aiming for his laptop and then placed it on his stomach, switching it on. He smiled lightly to himself, being completely satisfied with the warmth the device provided. At times much better than an actual person, he decided.

It felt like five minutes since he had started, yet when his eyes shifted to the clock it was already past midnight and much to his dismay, Sunggyu didn’t feel tired at all. There naturally was work waiting for him in the morning and he still hadn’t gotten the promised text from Sungjong that would assure him he’d gotten home in one piece. A thousand of terrifying scenarios full of gore and blood started to form in his head as he knew what was rather likely to happen to pretty boys, who were alone at night  _and_  probably drunk. He shook his head.

His mind was just screwing with him once again, he thought.

He yawned widely, deciding to wait for Sungjong’s text since he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep anyway if he did not know that the boy was okay, and scrolled deeper to the pits of his twitter. Sometimes people could be so ridiculous, he thought, as he tediously read every second tweet he came across. There was nothing to really catch his full attention, except one caption after which was a link added.

‘Lucid dreaming’ it said.

Sunggyu had heard of that kind of dreams before, he couldn’t remember what it was supposed to be about though. Out of pure curiosity, he clicked on the link. Being taken to another page, Sunggyu was paying attention rather to the  _appearance_  of the website, not the actual content. Every bit of the theme was so perfectly detailed it was almost terrifying. The creators must have gotten bored, he chuckled.

But as he noticed seconds later, besides the main page there was  _nothing_  else. Even the main page showed nothing much, just  four-line long paragraphs about lucid dreaming in general and then a few, seemingly easy, steps of how to exactly start with it.

Sunggyu was rather disappointed; he had expected something longer, something based on  _real_  facts, something that would keep him entertained until Sungjong would finally remember to send him the text. He sighed in frustration and closed the tab immediately.

Deciding to take a nice long bath that would maybe make him feel at least a bit tired and kill a little time, he got out of the bed and waddled towards the bathroom. Just when he turned the water on, his phone, which was still in his bedroom, lit up signalling that one new message had arrived.

It was a week later that Sunggyu got an order from higher positions - how ridiculous that sounded, he thought  - to go and work on the new photoshoot that was going on in the studios. Sunggyu didn’t complain, the job he had had brought him more than he could ever wish for as the magazine’s photographer was one of his good friends and Woohyun was quite a favourite model there. However, Sunggyu himself never was quite a fan of fashion and things related to it.

Sometimes he wondered how could they have even hired him, it was all so hilarious in his mind. He did his best to keep the job though. Working on photoshoots especially when Myungsoo was the one to give him interviews was rather fun if not anything else, plus besides other facts, he could always watch Woohyun modeling and stroll off to his imaginary land.Truth to be told, Myungsoo had to snap him out of it here and there.

And he wondered  _how_  he wasn’t obvious to anybody.

Or maybe everybody knew and he was just oblivious which was more likely, much to his dismay.

It was later that day when he was supposed to go through his mail to check if Myungsoo had already sent him the pictures he could put to the article to make it, as his editor once said,  _visually appealing_. Myungsoo was punctual, Sunggyu knew the pictures must have been sent to him as soon as the photoshoot ended. A broad smile appeared on his face as he flipped through them.

So professionally taken, he grinned. There was no doubt in that, Myungsoo’s pictures always looked professional and Sunggyu liked to blame how  _good_ Woohyun looked in his pictures on Myungsoo’s photographing skills. It seemed rather innocent that way. Naturally he was saving all the pictures Myungsoo had ever sent him to a password-protected folder; there was no denying in that either.

It was when he was getting towards the last picture, there was one that didn’t quite fit in the line; There was no Woohyun, no staff, no other models that could possibly come in the camera’s shot during Myungsoo’s very frequent documentations that usually took place in between the breaks. Instead, there was a plain black text on white background and Sunggyu was sure he had read those words before.

‘Lucid dreaming’ said the headline.

A groan was preparing to erupt from his throat as he dismissively shooed the picture from his sight. More or less, it ruined his mood for some reason; he started to wonder why had Myungsoo sent him that picture - it was likely that it was just an accident however that put up another question namely  _why_ Myungsoo had that picture saved.

It wasn’t like finding an answer to his questions would somehow help him, it would at least kill his curiosity if not anything else. Sunggyu liked order in things, he couldn’t stand it when people were unorganised, when there was mess around him, when people were slacking off.

He forgot about that picture; the deadline for his article was still far away, but the pleasant thought of having his job done by then and the opportunity of doing nothing later won. He finished his piece that very night, being extremely proud of himself. As he was cleaning the ‘mess’ in his computer - he liked to call it that, all that was left was that one picture Myungsoo, likely accidentaly, sent him.

His printer apparently refused to cooperate that evening, the article was getting out of it slower than slowly. He looked back at the picture and doubtfully started to read the text.

 

> _Lucid dream is that kind of a dream where one is aware that one is dreaming, which gives out the opportunity to consciously manipulate with the dream and change it according to one’s liking. Frankly speaking, one is awake in one’s dream._
> 
> _However, to be able to to realise that one is dreaming requires practice. Most important steps of how to achieve that lie in asking whether what one sees in the dream could be real. Also checking various headlines or time may be helpful. If they do change after some time, then one is dreaming and after that realisation, can start to try to change the dream however one wants to._

 

It sounded quite promising, Sunggyu thought. But knowing his bad luck, he was almost sure that his dream wouldn’t be a dream but a nightmare.

 

> _Other way of being aware that one’s dreaming than to realise it in the dream itself, is to get one in the so-called sleep paralysis at which one can start dreaming fully, already being aware of the dream being just a dream. There are a few steps of how to reach sleep-paralysis._
> 
> _It works the best if one’s extremely tired and is prepared to go to sleep. To get into this state the fastest, one should lay down on one’s back with arms on sides. After closing eyes, one should stay perfectly still and awake despite the tiredness. One’s brain will send signals to see if one’s ready to sleep in form of a need to blink, to get rid of an itch or to move a limb - it is needed to ignore all these urges._
> 
> _After twenty to thirty minutes of lying in such position, one should feel weight on one’s chest or even hear strange noises. After such situation occurs, one should find oneself in sleep paralysis.If one opens one’s eyes, one will start to hallucinate and be unable to move one’s body since the body will be completely asleep._
> 
> _One can close one’s eyes after confirming that one can’t move to start dreaming instantly, completely being aware of the dream being just a dream._

 

The second part though, sounded a bit scary, Sunggyu decided. Meanwhile, the printer threw up Sunggyu’s finished article with obvious problems, but he didn’t care one bit; letters were forming ridiculous pictures in front of his very eyes, he was tired to death. Being able to dream whatever he wanted was still winning in his head.

Just the mere thought of having Woohyun all to himself even when just in a dream was doing overly stupid things to Sunggyu’s mind and so, for future reference, he saved the picture into his computer before turning it off. He decided he would try to realise the dream once he’d fall asleep. He decided he would try. It was completely ridiculous, but Sunggyu certainly didn’t care.

When the morning came, he barely remembered he had any dream.

Kim Sunggyu rarely cried. That was a fact supported by science itself; almost a rule. However, rules were made to be broken one day and Sunggyu certainly wasn’t an exception.It was about a month after his first ridiculous attempts to realise his dream while still dreaming that he cried again after so many years.

And he hated himself for that; he felt like an overemotional girl.

He was hanging out with Woohyun that day. Originally it was the two of them with Sungjong also, but the youngest boy oh so accidentally left his wallet at home and sprinted off with the speed of light. To Sunggyu, the purpose of Sungjong’s actions was more than obvious, but Woohyun with his adorable gullibility wanted to wait for the youngest and so Sunggyu had to drag him away, telling him that Sungjong wasn’t a kid and could take care of himself.

It was when they were talking over coffee that Woohyun had said something Sunggyu hoped he’d never live to hear.

“Stop neglecting me.”

The elder was rather upset, seeing that Woohyun was playing with his phone almost unceasingly while Sunggyu was talking about a report he had done for one of many photoshoots Woohyun was featured in.

“I’m not neglecting you.” Woohyun pouted. “I’m perfectly aware of everything you’re saying.” he added then, stealing another glance at his phone.

“Are you, really? Because I feel like that phone is more important to you than I am.” Sunggyu deadpanned.

Woohyun suddenly looked like a kicked puppy, but there was also something that made Sunggyu think there really was something to him checking his phone every second. The latter seemed rather uneasy, as if he was holding something in and then it was climbing up out of his throat. Sunggyu sighed in slight frustration, taking a second to calm down a bit, before turning back to Woohyun.

“Did something happen?” he asked as gently as he could. “You seem to be nervous about something.”

“That’s just...”Woohyun bit his lip. “Hyung, have you ever asked a girl out?” he asked then, eyeing Sunggyu nervously.

Sunggyu was a bit taken aback by the question. He didn’t even want to think of a reason why Woohyun was asking him that. “Of course I have.” he grinned nevertheless. “And I suppose you have too.”

“Of course.”

“Then where’s the catch?”

“I don’t know.” Woohyun sighed. “Nevermind that. Forget it.”

“Wait, so there is... someone?” Sunggyu asked, feeling his heart high up in his throat.

Woohyun eyed him suspiciously, as if the answer wasn’t obvious enough,“Yeah. There is.”

And Sunggyu’s heart sank; that night once he returned home he cried once again.

Woohyun’s girlfriend was nice, Sunggyu decided. He met her right the day after the two got together. Also, Sunggyu couldn’t deny that it was partly his fault; after all getting supported by his best friend gave Woohyun some courage to ask her out. That was what every best friend should have done, Sunggyu thought. That was it, he sighed,they were friends.

She was outgoing, cheerful and cute. Woohyun was as well outgoing, clever and handsome. They seemed like a perfect couple. Sunggyu congratulated them with a smile that he wore almost every day plastered on his face. Then he left them alone.

As days went by, Sunggyu was trying; the thought hadn’t left his mind so easily. He was trying every night. Just once he wanted to know what it would be like to hide in Woohyun’s arms, what it would be like to hug that body close to his, what it would be like to kiss those lips. Sunggyu was trying. And as it was bound to happen one day, one of his attempts to realise his dream and eventually manipulate it was finally successful.

He remembered the dream very well once he was rather forced to wake up; of course he didn’t forget to write it all down for that matter. He remembered he was in Myungsoo’s studio; he knew the place well, every detail was in place. For some reason, he was hiding behind a curtain in that dream, as if waiting for something that was supposed to come for him.

Sunggyu still felt the strange feeling in his gut as the dream played before his eyes again.

 

_Peeking from behind the curtain, there was nothing suspicious, Sunggyu noticed. There was nobody, the only sound in the room was provided by the clock quietly ticking on the opposite wall. That was where he noticed the time wasn’t going. The clock was ticking, yet the hands on it were not moving at all; it was exactly twelve. He didn’t pay much attention to that though because by that time he was pinching himself to find out if it was real._

_No pain equals a dream, he grinned to himself._

_His stomach tightened once there came a sound from the other side of the studio. Sunggyu immediately hid behind the curtain, peering slightly over the hem. The uneasiness disappeared immediately as he got to see a figure approaching; a figure which dangerously resembled Woohyun’s frame._

_Quite bravely, he stepped out from his ‘refuge’; Woohyun seemed startled to see him there. Nonetheless, it was Sunggyu’s dream and so the temporary fear on the younger’s face vanished almost instantly._

_“Hyung...” he started, hesitating._

_Sunggyu gulped; it was just a dream and he was the boss there. Nothing serious could happen. But who knew, dreams could leave an impact beyond all imagining. He knew about that and it was slightly creeping him out. But then again, what would he get if he didn’t try at all? When it was all so tempting._

_And so he inched closer to Woohyun who, by the looks of it, didn’t mind the slightest bit. Sunggyu couldn’t deny he was shaking with excitement. Coming still closer, he took Woohyun’s hand in his earning himself a blinding smile from the younger. Sneaking his free hand around Woohyun’s waist from behind to pull him even closer, Sunggyu could almost hear angels sing._

_Only when their lips were already brushing and eyes slowly fluttering did Sunggyu notice something that didn’t quite fit in the picture; everything still seemed perfect, Woohyun was there, looking at him with adoration in his lidded eyes, it was quiet, no one else except them could be possibly there._

_Except for the clock that still accompanied them with its quiet ticking. But the time on it had changed, it wasn’t twelve anymore but six._

_And so it happened that when Sunggyu decided to ignore it and concentrate on Woohyun and Woohyun only, nothing was there when he closed his eyes. It clicked when he felt his hands were not anywhere near Woohyun’s body all of a sudden, when he was nowhere near anything at all. Opening his eyes again, there was nothing but a pitch-black darkness. Woohyun had turned into dust and so did Myungsoo’s whole studio._

_Then there was the very well-known ear-piercing screaming._

That was when Sunggyu woke up, immediately attempting to shut his alarm up, making himself almost fall off the bed in the process. From there it went to writing every deatil of the dream down. As he was writing down everything he remembered and replaying it all over in his head, he felt bad. There was no word for such a feeling, it was just the feeling one gets after waking up from a nice dream. Some sort of emptiness, perhaps.

For the whole day, he kept thinking. He remembered every bit of that dream - something that happened not so often; it felt so real, Sunggyu didn’t even recall how he had controlled it. It had just sort of happened. And Sunggyu couldn’t deny he liked it and that if he were to spend the rest of his life in that dream, he wouldn’t mind the slightest bit.

So he decided to try again. And time was ticking.

Needless to point out that Sunggyu’s editor was rather pleased with his work. He had always been, however it had gotten better over the time, but the man was also concerned about his employee’s health. Truth to be told, Sunggyu didn’t look exactly fine. His face was pale overall, dark circles were forming under his tiny eyes, cheekbones were coming out. Even his hair, so attractively red a month or two before, had changed into a bland shade of bricky colour.

Sunggyu had been constantly reminded to take care of himself, reminded that work wasn’t  _that_  important, reminded that the world would go on even if he slept in for once. Every time someone had told him things around those lines, Sunggyu would just smile mysteriously.

Because, how could other people understand? How could they know, possibly, what he was doing when he wasn’t working? He was amused. Because no one knew that he slept more than it was healthy, that work had dropped to second place. No one knew and Sunggyu was entertained.

Because nothing was more comical than people being perplexed.

However, it wasn’t only Sunggyu’s editor who noticed. Everyone did and it strangely warmed Sunggyu’s somewhat numb heart when Woohyun ditched his girlfriend just to have a chat with him. Woohyun cared and Sunggyu knew. But a man’s greed had always been something that couldn’t be killed off easily and so when Woohyun had asked if Sunggyu needed anything, the elder just waved him off with a soft ‘no’ that sounded rather like ‘you’.

It was around a month later when reality started to be tedious.

His attempt were getting successful gradually, soon he could barely recognise what was reality. However people say that reality is the tougher one of the two. Therefore Sunggyu was escaping it more and more often.

As days passed, it’d started to be insignificant to Sunggyu whether it was day or night; it wasn’t important anymore that his reports had stopped to be written before the deadlines. Nothing was important. Only Sunggyu, his greed and Woohyun. However it was not the Woohyun who was known by everyone. Not the Woohyun who had a happy relationship with his girlfriend, not the Woohyun who was  _just_  Sunggyu’s best friend.

Sunggyu decided that dreams were better. There was no pain, no problems that needed taking care of, no people that would constantly ask if he was all right. Just him and the Woohyun he had always dreamt of. The Woohyun who would cuddle with him whenever he wanted, the Woohyun who would hug him out of the blue, the Woohyun who would kiss him because they had all of time there was in the whole wide world.

Nothing was missing in his imaginary world and Sunggyu was happy there.

One day his phone rang right before he was about to slip into his bliss again and despite his decision to ignore it, the caller was rather persistent. With that remaining bit of compassion he had inside, he picked up the call, already expecting nagging, insulting and screeching which was likely to come from Sungjong. However the call was nothing like that.

“Hello?” he called to the phone, when there was no sound after he’s picked it up. He was in his bed, surprisingly, and even he was surprised how hoarse his voice sounded.

_“Hyung.”_

Sunggyu sprung up on the bed upon hearing Woohyun’s voice on the other line. It was quite sudden, the call.

“Oh, hi.” Sunggyu responded, a bit clumsily. But then realisation hit him; the reason why Woohyun was calling...

 _“I just wanted to say sorry. For whatever I’ve done.”_  Woohyun muttered.  _“I know it’s stupid like this, over the phone. Sorry for that too. I just... Don’t want us to fight.”_

Of course, Sunggyu thought, slapping his forehead mentally. How little was needed for one to forget something, he chuckled sadly. He had forgotten he had not seen Woohyun ever since their last encounter; it was quite hard to even tell when they’d seen each other the last time. To Sunggyu it was.

His lips curled into a bitter smile. What an innocent darling Woohyun was, apologising for something that wasn’t his fault at all, for something he did not even know the cause of. Someone inside Sunggyu was playing darts, his heart being the target; waves of guilt were washing over his shoulders as he remembered bit by bit the day when he had acted like the biggest prick in the whole wide universe.

It all had started off innocently; Sunggyu had been invited to a fashion show of a company Woohyun was a part of. Sunggyu  _with_ Woohyun’s girlfriend had been invited. Of course. Not that big of a deal, given the fact that Sunggyu and the girl were friends, good ones at that, yet Sunggyu had never had to witness her being all over Woohyun. Until that very day.

Being the gentleman he was, Sunggyu had picked her up and drove her to the place. Even before the show had started, he didn’t even get the chance to greet Woohyun properly for obvious reasons. It had been even more difficult given Woohyun’s already styled up appearance and so Sunggyu had often caught himself staring.

But having to watch them being so sugary with each other was one of the very few of things Sunggyu couldn’t handle well. He would have proudly admitted he had been jealous if the friendly relationship he had with Woohyun hadn’t been on the line. He would have, if he hadn’t been sure everything would have ended right there and then if he had.

And so it had happened that, unable to bear it any longer, Sunggyu had acted like a coward. Once Woohyun had set his feet on the catwalk and his eyes had darted into the audience, ready to spot the two most important people of his life, all he had seen was his girlfriend’s cheery smile and an empty seat right next to her.

They hadn’t seen each other since. And Sunggyu, too ashamed of himself, had been seeking refuge in his dreams, leaving Woohyun’s calls and texts ignored. Coward, he kept calling himself, and that was exactly what he was.

“No, that... Believe me when I tell you none of that was your fault.” he said, maybe a bit too quickly.

There was silence on the other line; Sunggyu felt his pierced heart climbing up to his throat. In fact, Woohyun had the full right to tell him to go to hell and end everything they had, as much as Sunggyu would want to, he couldn’t deny that.

 _“Did something happen back there?”_  Woohyun asked then, Sunggyu couldn’t tell the thoughts behind the tone he used.

“Sort of...” he murmured, chewing on his bottom lip.

 _“Sorry, it just isn’t like you to go without telling anyone.”_ Woohyun stated, a bit sadly.  _“If there is something wrong, you can always talk to me, hyung. I want you to remember that.”_

One tear fell down, Sunggyu ignored it. “Okay.” he gulped.

 _“That’s settled then.”_  the younger spoke then, his tone being a lot more cheerful.  _“I’m glad I have you, hyung.”_

His teeth drew blood from his lip, he still ignored it. “Yeah. I’m glad I have you too.” he replied shakily.

 _“Sungjong texted me yesterday. That kid wants to drink out all the time.”_  Woohyun laughed.  _“We’re going out next Friday. You’ll come too, right?”_

“Yeah, of course. Someone has to watch over you kids, right?” Sunggyu managed to let out, it didn’t even sound feigned. Inside though, he felt his own soul ripping his heart from its place.

 _“Going to pretend I didn’t hear that.”_  Woohyun giggled.  _“I’m sure Sungjong will text you the details, so see you there!”_

Then the line went dead and Sunggyu cried. He cried, listening to the tiny voice in the back of his head that was telling him to stop, that it was all his fault anyway. And it was right. He asked nobody why did Woohyun have to be so kind, why did he have to be so forgiving when Sunggyu didn’t deserve forgiveness at all. Why did Nam Woohyun have to be such an angel.

Thousands of questions, no answers.

_“You can always talk to me...”_

Woohyun’s voice rang in his head like a broken record and Sunggyu so desperately wanted to turn time back by a few minutes and tell him everything - about the imaginary world he had built for himself because he couldn’t stand it anymore, about how he had spent nights wondering how he was doing, how he had awoken in the mornings with damp face and pillow oh so many times. About how his heart shattered into pieces when he’d asked the girl out.

And all he said was mere ‘okay’.

But then again, wasn’t everyone okay? Woohyun had his girlfriend and his best friend back already. She had him and Sunggyu too. Sungjong had his weird friends and Sunggyu. And Sunggyu had Sungjong  _and_  Woohyun.

Things were okay and it hurt.

Week had passed quickly. Sunggyu was still distancing himself from the contact with other people. When Sungjong had texted him about the bar they were supposed to go to, he replied with ‘got it, I’ll be there’ and when Sungjong had texted back a smiley face, he didn’t reply anymore. Since the call he had with Woohyun the other day, he had been wandering around his tiny apartment like a shell without a soul, blankly staring out of the window as he’d wait for the water to boil to make himself some tea which would end up untouched anyway because he would get lost in his thoughts.

He slept even more than before, even though it wasn’t giving him that much satisfaction as it did at the very beginning, but that world was still better than reality which Sunggyu despised more than he did himself.

Friday came and he was ready to get out, to breathe fresh air, to see people on the streets once again. Getting dressed, he suddenly thought of Myungsoo. Truth to be told, he hadn’t seen the handsome boy in what felt like centuries and it was still a fact that they were co-workers. He’d ask Sungjong, he decided; the kid had always had contacts.

Arriving to the bar, he immediately spotted the two there and they spotted him. Sungjong nearly squeezed the living daylight out of him just to start nagging the second after. Woohyun gave him a friendly hug accompanied with “I’m glad you came.” and a smile. Sunggyu smiled back.

He decided he really needed such an outing. Talking about everything over glasses of whiskey was so liberating and really needed at times. Surprisingly that evening it was Woohyun who got drunk first so Sunggyu felt absolutely no guilt when he was looking at him longer than socially acceptable. However the more he thought about it and the more he watched Woohyun down the alcohol, the more it hurt.

And so he drunk more in hope that just for one evening he wouldn’t have to go around the rules to forget about everything.

At the point where Woohyun was nearly passed out on the table they sat at, Sunggyu decided to ask Sungjong how was Myungsoo doing; after all the pretty face belonged to the small group of people he could call friends as well.

And Sungjong appeared to also know very little - Sunggyu was told that Myungsoo had a crush, which was a well-known fact even before, and that he had started to decline offers from famous magazines to take photos for them. For unknown reasons, apparently. Sungjong was worried as well, Sunggyu could tell, even though they hadn’t seen each other for weeks - there was still some bit of the same blood going through their veins.

But then Sungjong said that Myungsoo’s sudden change was very similar to what Sunggyu started doing after he had begun to stop going out. And it was slowly clicking together. Why Myungsoo had that picture saved, why he had started to turn down famous companies and gossip magazines that had quite a name.

Because they were in it together.

It was a few weeks later. Sunggyu hadn’t seen the daylight in what felt like ages; even after the night which helped him in a way, the urge to dream his dream hadn’t faded. One could say that he had gotten better though. At least he had started to reply to texts again and answer calls.

That day his doorbell rang. The sun was just setting when he opened the door. He squinted slightly as the orange beam hit him in the face, but his eyes went wide instantly, seeing the visitor’s face.

“Woohyun...” he exhaled, seeing the other’s completely devastated face.

Woohyun looked up, as his back was facing the setting sun the orange was glowing all around his frame; he wasn’t crying, no, but his face was so full of sadness that pierced even through hearts made of stone. Never in his life Sunggyu had seen something so beautifuly heartbreaking. He so desperately wanted to hold Woohyun close, kiss his hair and tell him that everything was going to be all right, even when he didn’t know why he looked so broken.

But he held back; after all it wasn’t a dream.

**_In my dreams_ **

**_it was me in your arms._ **

“Sorry, I...” Woohyun started, pausing to think what he even wanted to say. “I didn’t know where else to go.” he blurted then, shooting Sunggyu a sad apologetic smile.

Sunggyu returned the smile and moved out of the way so Woohyun could go in. He felt his heart throbbing high up in his throat, he didn’t even know why he was so nervous. Seeing Woohyun in so vulnerable state, seeing that he came to  _him_  to tell him what troubled him made Sunggyu fight the urge to cry.

“What happened?” he asked, once he took seat next to the younger on the sofa.

Woohyun sighed as he hugged his knees, huddled up in the sofa corner. “I’m just plainly stupid, hyung.” he stated, making a face as if being disgusted with himself.

Up in his throat, Sunggyu could feel his heart gradually breaking into pieces. Carefully but still, he reached out his hand to rub the other’s arm reassuringly. It felt different. “Don’t say that.” he muttered, scooting a bit closer.

“It’s true, though.” Woohyun protested weakly.

“Care to tell me what’s wrong?” Sunggyu pressed on as  gently as he could.

He watched as first tear slipped out and rolled down to Woohyun’s chin. He wanted to wipe it, yet he couldn’t. He wanted to tell the younger to let it out, yet it wasn’t so easy. He wanted to kiss him, yet he didn’t have the right to. The thin wall between his dreams and reality was getting thicker. It wasn’t a dream, he kept telling himself. And it hurt.

**_My lips on yours,_ **

**_there was only us._ **

He kind of missed it all. He missed Woohyun’s arms around him, he missed their hands fitting so perfectly with each other. He missed te smiles they shared, he missed the games they played. He missed the days they spent laughing, he missed the nights they spent chatting. He missed everything that involved the two of them interacting.

But then again, how could he miss something that was never there?

**_And the clouds._ **

**_And the stars._ **

**_It was the world and us._ **

He listened to Woohyun’s voice tainted with pain in silence. He listened as the other poured everything out little by little and he felt worse with every second that passed. He listened as he kept describing how the girl he was still so in love with practically took his heart and threw it down, even after he had been trying so hard to get her back. Little did Woohyun know what his story was doing to Sunggyu heart right there. Little did he know that right next to him, Sunggyu was prepared to nurse his heart back to its original state.

He didn’t know.

Woohyun kept talking until his throat was dry and sore, words coming out as mere hoarse murmurs. Everything he felt right there, he let it out. In the end, it wasn’t so difficult. And Sunggyu sat there, fighting his tears.  _How could someone do this to you?_ he thought to himself; that fragile little voice in his head sounding weaker.

“Hyung, are you... crying?” Woohyun asked then, tilting his head to the side, observing Sunggyu’s face carefully.

Sunggyu blinked and before he could hastily wipe his eyes, one lone tear fell over the edge of his eye right down onto his pants, making a tiny dark stain there. “No, I’m not.” he stated shakily, shooting Woohyun another insincere smile.

**_It was us against the world._ **

The younger sighed and let it be; lies were coming out of Sunggyu’s ears even, Woohyun knew the latter was lying. “What do I do?” he questioned then, being completely at loss.

“Do you still like her?” Sunggyu answered with another question as he got a hold of himself a little.

“Yeah, I do.” Woohyun said without hesitation.

_It hurts._

**_But in your arms I could take it,_ **

**_anything the world dished out._ **

“Do you like her or love her? There’s a difference.”

“I…” Woohyun hesitated.“I don’t know.”

_Don’t do this to me._

“Imagine spending the rest of your life with her. Do you want it to be that way?”

**_And with your kisses I was strong again._ **

It was almost ridiculous how the words were coming out of Sunggyu’s mouth without the slightest problem. It hurt him so much, yet it was all so natural one would think that his feelings for Woohyun were a dream Sunggyu was dreaming. Best friends should be there to help each other; Sunggyu  _was_ Woohyun’s best friend.

“If I do, should I go and try harder?”

“You should.”

For the first time that evening, Woohyun smiled. It was just a tiny little smile, but it showed such gratitude Sunggyu had never seen. And even despite the pain, it was one of those rare occasions when he would smile just because someone else smiled at him,  _because_  of him. The silence got comfortable. The tension loosened.

It was a few moments later, as they both found themselves standing up from the sofa, that Woohyun, being rather relieved, circled his arms around Sunggyu, enveloping him in a warm hug. There, Sunggyu couldn’t have been more delighted. He instantly wrapped his arms around Woohyun’s back as well, sighing in content.

**_In my dreams_ **

**_it was me in your arms._ **

It was all so  _real_  and it felt wonderful. Being actually  _there_ , in the arms of the one and only person he’d ever been after. Having head resting on that shoulder, feeling their hair mingling lightly. Feeling how Woohyun’s chest moved against his as they breathed.

“Thank you, hyung.” Woohyun said then; Sunggyu could hear the smile - it was still there. “You always know what to say.” he added.

Sunggyu was rather disappointed when they pulled away, but managed to hide everything. Just like always. “I improvised.” he smiled. There was still that lump in the back of his throat.

**_My lips on yours..._ **

“Well done, then.” Woohyun returned the grin. “You’re really the best. I’ll go and try harder.” he added before turning around and heading to the door.

_No..._

**_But in reality..._ **

Sunggyu watched as the younger gave him one last wave, before the door clicked quietly behind his back. He was gone, along with Sunggyu’s heart. His legs gave in, his body fell back to the sofa. And it hurt so much. For some reason he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t scream, not even move. Thinking too much ahead, he wanted to just forget about everything that had happened there just a few minutes before.

There was no one else to blame. Just Sunggyu alone. As much as it hurt him, there was a tiny little voice in the back of his head, whispering to him that he should stop that nonsense. Otherwise he wouldn’t stay sane for too long. And Sunggyu hated that voice because he knew it was right; the truth was standing by its side.

But Woohyun deserved to be happy, unlike him who tried to find a way around the rules. It was him after all who made himself end up like that. It was Sunggyu alone, who brought all that upon himself. He didn’t deserve Woohyun; no, it was Woohyun who deserved lifelong felicity. Right there that evening, he had encouraged the younger to go and find his happiness.

**_It’s always been her._ **

Best friends should be there to help each other.

That was it, he chuckled, they were best friends.


	7. Whispered Truth (MS/SY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which pain relieves.

_   
_

_“_ _Ow!”_

_Myungsoo hissed in pain as he watched how the drop of burning oil setting on his hand reddening the spot. He glared at the frying bacon on the pan for a second before continuing to flip it in silence whilst a colourful profanity escaped his lips from time to time._

_He took his time, after all, willingly waking up earlier to make breakfast for once must have taken some willpower and so he could as well make the breakfast visually appealing. Even with slight difficulties, he managed to arrange the food neatly making it look more like a piece prepared to be put in an exhibition in a gallery._

_Perfectly satisfied with his masterpiece, he put the plate on a tray where a cup with coffee was already prepared and with careful steps he aimed for his and certain Lee Sungyeol’s bedroom. Somehow, he had to put more concentration to balancing the tray on one hand as to help himself open the door with the other. However once he’d managed to do so, a lovely sight met his eyes._

_Naturally, Sungyeol was still in the same position; his blanket pulled up high, covering half of his face, his still closed eyes were hidden behind his messed up hair and his limbs were stretched all over the bed, peeking from under the blanket. The only sounds flying through the air in the room were light snores, their source being the peaceful figure tangled in the sheets. Myungsoo couldn’t help but grin goofily at the sight._

_As quietly as possible it was, he stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him with the help of his leg which appeared to be a huge mistake as the door closed quite loudly. And as it was a very well-known fact that Sungyeol had sleep as light as the tiniest of feathers could be, Myungsoo cursed his clumsy self when his boyfriend on the bed started to move and let out soft whines and grunts._

_Sungyeol ruffled his hair lazily before wobbling up into a sitting position with the blanket still covering his face up to the bridge of his nose. Once the cloth fell down to his lap, he noticed that his shirt was slipping off his shoulder, exposing more of his skin than was necessary for such a morning. Pulling the collar back to its place, he immediately noticed Myungsoo standing by the door with a rather wide tray in his hands._

_“Morning.” he smiled sweetly._

_Myungsoo returned the smile. “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty.” he sang and went to put the tray down on a nightstand by Sungyeol’s side._

_Myungsoo noticed that Sungyeol was just about to say something and so he reached out and made him forget the words by pulling him into a nice good morning kiss. Sungyeol wasn’t used to being treated like a king, especially not in the mornings as it was usually him of the two of them who woke up earlier, but he certainly couldn’t complain when getting a breakfast in bed served with a kiss as a cherry on top by his disgustingly handsome boyfriend._

_He hummed in content, his hand subconsciously going up to cup the other’s face; he could never get bored of the way Myungsoo’s kisses felt even when they were just small pecks._

_“Mm. I could get used to this.” he whispered against the other’s lips when they pulled away, which, in Sungyeol’s sincere opinion, was far too quick._

_“Don’t.” Myungsoo joked, pecking the other once more before completely peeling himself away._

_Sungyeol pouted, but he liked the twists his insides made every time they kissed. “What’s the occasion, by the way?” he asked, stabbing a piece of sliced banana with a fork._

_Myungsoo grinned. “It’ll come to you.”_

_Sungyeol blinked innocently. Despite his usual self, he was not as wise when it came to mornings. Then however, he spotted a callendar hanging on the wall behind Myungsoo. It was nearing to the last day of August that year and almost all of the days had been crossed out. Suddenly, realisation made its way across his face._

_Oh._

_“Happy birthday, baby.” Myungsoo beamed before climbing up to the bed as well, perfectly willing to spend the day in it._

_Sungyeol suddenly wished he had birthday every day._

 

He stared at the plate in front of him with disgust.

It was a morning like any other; the world was halfway through September which would usually come with sunny days and temperatures around ten to twenty Celsius whilst the nature would be dressing up for the upcoming winter. End of summer would usually bring happiness, children filling playgrounds and parks overflowing with couples and families.

Usually it would be like that and in the majority of people’s eyes it really was so.

 Myungsoo however was robbed of the ability to see the colours the world offered. He no longer saw how beautiful the trees could be when the green was slowly turning to yellow, orange, red and brown. He was no longer able to see how bright kids’ faces could get when they were having a good time with their friends. In his eyes the world was dimmed, colours turned down, light sucked away by a strange force that liked to call itself ‘death’.

 And the saddest part of it all was that he didn’t care anymore.

He was being constantly pushed by his friends - or so they liked to call themselves - to take care of himself, to eat properly again, to get back to life, to move on. He had never replied them in any way, but never had he seen any marks of giving up on him on their faces. Yet after some time, he stopped wondering why. Why they still cared. Why they bothered themselves with such an useless being he was. Why he was still there to let them bother themselves.

Those questions soon stopped to make sense to him and so he, as well, stopped asking.

A thought had been planted to his mind and it grew to be something far more consequential that he’d think. For when a thought evolves, it poisons the person’s mind and changes  _them_  in general. And so it happened that Myungsoo started to wonder how it was possible that he hadn’t thought of it before. His mind was no longer panicking, alarmed and frightened, but calm and organised; he was able to breathe again.

He threw one last glance at the untouched plate before taking it and disposing the food. He immediately strode out of the kitchen, not looking back once. The only thing he took with him was his wallet; his phone and keys were left placed where they belonged. After all he wouldn’t be returning to the place again.

He was leaving everything behind.

Cold air hit him immediately as he exited the building he lived in, but it wasn’t like he cared. His steps were fast, eyes focused on the path he had ahead. As soon as he got to the bus stop, the number he needed was approaching. This must be it, he thought.

_‘This is it. I’m leaving.’_

He took the seat at the very back of the vehicle, curling up in the corner and let his eyes settle on the city passing by outside the window. A soft smile ran across his lips as once again he had some light shining at the back of the tunnel again.

 

_The clock showed twenty-one minutes past eight in the evening. It was dark in the living room as it was illuminated only by a few candles as the power had unexpectedly gone out. Needless to point out it was also quite romantic, but somehow, that was just a side fact. Somehow, there were more important facts to pay attention to._

_Myungsoo was stretched on their sofa, subconsciously stroking Sungyeol’s hair as the elder was cuddled up to his side, fast asleep. And Myungsoo was thinking. About how they’d met, about their first date and kiss, about their relationship in general. Because something had gone missing; something that gave the energy to the whole thing; something was gone and Myungsoo felt it and he was sure that Sungyeol felt it as well._

_Something had taken their happiness away; Sungyeol’s happiness, to be precise. It wasn’t sudden, though, yet it was slowly progressing and taking the warmth away. Because as time went, Sungyeol had stopped smiling as much as Myungsoo was used to him doing so, he had stopped ranting about anything that came to his mind, he had stopped doing almost everything that made him Sungyeol._

_As time went, Myungsoo had realised that it was mostly Sungyeol who was giving their relationship energy, some kind of power to keep going on. And it had been fading away in painfully small pieces to the point where there was nearly nothing. Only then had Myungsoo realised that it was gone._

_He looked down at Sungyeol’s sincere sleeping face as a heavy sigh escaped his lips. He stopped his hand in its movements and just rested it on the top of Sungyeol’s head._

_“Be happy, Yeollie.” he half-whispered to the sleeping boy. “You have to be happy for us both.”_

 

Memories were washing over as he was still staring out of the window, not really watching the city pass by. Tears were stinging in his eyes, but not enough to spill over.

There were so many regrets, so many things he could’ve done, so many opportunities that could’ve saved them both. Every time he imagined the two of them being back together, having Sungyeol safely back in his arms, being able to see his face again... it used to hurt. But soon the pain became so great that it became so small, nearly insignificant and he felt nothing.

As he kept thinking, soon the bus was slowing down to pull at another stop. Myungsoo looked out of the window and finally, the tear slipped out and rolled down to his chin.

The bus stopped across from one of the four branches of Seoul National University Hospital.

 

_“I’m... sorry?”_

_Myungsoo felt the air around himself tightening as he shakily but still held his phone near his ear. The longer he lived, the more people seemed to talk nonsense, he noted. Nonetheless, he sincerely hoped that what he heard from the other end of the line was just a joke or someone pulling a prank on him. Because it just couldn’t be true._

_He threw the phone on the sofa once the information was repeated and he made sure he heard it right, and he stormed out right away. He was there just in time to sit on the right bus and let himself get taken where he needed. The whole ride, he kept shaking in fear and muttering to himself why the hell the bus was going so slow when obviously he was in a rush._

_‘They found him with an empty bottle for pills.’_

_Sungyeol was spending a few days with his family and so was Myungsoo, therefore their relationship was limited to texting and phone calls for the time being. Myungsoo would have never thought that Sungyeol was capable of harming himself in any way; he remembered well that once, Sungyeol had kept whining for a day when he accidentaly hit his head on a doorframe._

_Upon recalling that memory, tears welled up in his eyes. Good old times, he thought bitterly; everything had been still going from bad to worse and Myungsoo was starting to lose hope. They didn’t argue, they never did, but they stopped talking to each other as if there wasn’t anything to talk about and so their evenings were immersed in rather uncomfortable silence._

_That was until Sungyeol’s brother made a call and Sungyeol was suddenly packing things as he was going to spend a week with his family. Myungsoo had felt quite confused at that time because at one hand, there’d been sadness that Sungyeol was going away and on the other hand, there was some kind of relief. Back then, he had thought that maybe a week apart could make them some good and it was even going well as the phone calls were not awkward or monotonous at all._

_But then Daeyeol called again._

_When the bus finally stopped near the hospital Sungyeol was taken to according to Daeyeol’s words, Myungsoo raced there with the speed of light, not even watching out for cars as he was crossing the street. He could still hear the angry drivers behind him as he sprinted through the entrance door right to the reception, where the nurse didn’t even look startled. Perhaps she was used to worse cases._

_“Lee Sungyeol,” he almost screamed at her. “Where’s he?!”_

_The nurse gave him a raised brow as she scanned him from head to toe. “And you, sir, are..?”_

_Myungsoo was fuming. “I’m his bo--!“_

_“It’s okay, Miss. He can see him.”_

_That was when Daeyeol came to the picture, circling his arm around Myungsoo’s shoulders before he could break something. Myungsoo let himself be dragged away, occasionally shooting cold looks back over his shoulder because the lady was more than indecent._

_“Looks like your ability to kill people off with your eyes is still there.” Daeyeol joked as they went through the hall._

_When Myungsoo looked back again, the lady was gone. “How can you joke at a time like this?” he asked incredulously, prying the boy’ arm off his shoulders._

_Daeyeol sighed. “Sorry.”_

_They went in silence until they reached a door in front of which Daeyeol halted his steps. Myungsoo didn’t like hospitals, because who did, but for him it was more of a traumatical experience to go to one. The white that was overflowing the place made his eyes twitch in disagreement and the smell was not really pleasant either._

_His insides made an upleasant flip, when he saw ‘Lee Sungyeol’ written on a small board next to the door; he felt the warmth disappearing from his face. Seeing that Myungsoo was paler than usual, Daeyeol smiled sadly to himself, before giving him a pat on the shoulder. “He’s going to be fine.” he said. “It’s just...”_

_Myungsoo turned his head when the other’s voice died down._

_“It’s just..?”_

_“No one knows the reason.” Daeyeol explained bitterly. It was visible that even he was close to tears. “And I’m scared, hyung.” he half-whispered, voice cracking._

_Myungsoo watched as the boy clenched his fists, eyes screwed shut, head bowed down and it was also a fact that he couldn’t see anyone cry, because he’d start too. There was a lump in the back of his throat ever since he got to know that Sungyeol was in a hospital, but it just grew seeing Daeyeol like that._

_“I’m scared that this will happen again.” he sobbed, refusing to look up._

_Myungsoo exhaled quietly as he scooted closer to the boy, circling his arms around his shoulders. “Don’t cry, Yeol.” he whispered to him, smiling a bit when he felt the younger’s arms circling around his back as well. “He needs you, so be strong for him, okay?”  The boy was definitely crying already but he managed to nod into Myungsoo’s shoulder. And so they stood in silence, Myungsoo patiently waiting for Daeyeol’s sobs to die down, while he tried to fight his own tears, pushing them back in when they threatened to fall over._

_The pulled away after some time and another knife was plunged to Myungsoo’s chest, seeing the state Daeyeol’s face was in. If he didn’t know who there was with him, he wouldn’t even recognise the boy._

_“It won’t happen again.” he stated, sounding confident. He had to be after all, for both of their sakes. “I’ll watch over him.” he added, smiling softly at the boy._

_Daeyeol sniffled. “Promise?”_

_“Promise.”_

_They stepped inside the room, much to Myungsoo’s disappointment, Sungyeol was fast asleep. But perhaps it was better that way. He could see the relief on Daeyeol’s face after the promise he’d made; Myungsoo himself however wasn’t so relieved, because seeing Sungyeol on that way too small bed for his figure made him realise that it all wasn’t just a dream. That Sungyeol really did try to tear down the walls that secured his life and that his attempt, thankfully, was not successful._

_Myungsoo felt guilty and he didn’t like it one bit. He could’ve done something to prevent it, he could’ve sat down and make Sungyeol talk about whatever was bothering him. He could’ve saved them both if he had just tried enough. Sadly enough, they were where they were. And seeing how worried and mainly confused Daeyeol was, because he didn’t have the slightest clue about the nameless problem of their relationship, made Myungsoo want to stab himself right there._

_It was not long after they’d stepped inside the room that Daeyeol’s phone went off. The boy only sighed as he looked at the screen and went out to the corridor to pick the call up._

_As Myungsoo was left alone with still fast asleep Sungyeol in the room, he subsconsciously pushed the chair next to the boy’s bed, letting his stressed body fall on it and let out a loud sigh full of worries._

_That was when Sungyeol began to stir in his bed and Myungsoo felt his nerves screwing with his sanity. He quickly reached for Sungyeol’s hand, feeling an immense sadness falling on him when Sungyeol jerked his hand away, as if not wanting to feel Myungsoo’s touch or even see the younger._

_And right at that moment, Myungsoo stopped paying attention to his eyes and tears spilled over. “Yeollie...” he half-whispered, the bits of his voice giving him away as they cracked._

_Sungyeol blinked a few times , before seemingly realising where he was and what was happening. Seeing Myungsoo with teary eyes and shaking hand placed on the side of his bed made him feel bad immediately and all of a sudden, he didn’t know what to do. Instinctively though, he reached back for Myungsoo’s hand which made the younger male relax right away._

_It didn’t draw his tears back, though._

_And so they sat in silence, just looking at each other as if it were thousands of years they hadn’t seen each other and spoke without words. They both wondered what was the other one thinking, after all, not talking enough had gotten them to that place. Or perhaps, had they talked too much?_

_Myungsoo so desperately wanted to ask. Ask what was the reason, what was that something that was tearing their linked hands apart, what was that burden Sungyeol carried that Myungsoo failed to see. But he didn’t want to ruin the delightful silence that lingered in the room. There was no awkwardness, no strained air as there had been before Sungyeol went back to his parents’ house._

_And so he decided to wait some more and enjoy the silence. He liked the thought of them being back to their normal selves again - just like they had been before it all started to change. He liked to imagine that even there, in the hospital, they were happily in love just like it had been. A question popped in Myungsoo’s mind and poisoned his thoughts right after._

_Were they not in love anymore?_

_Nonsense. Wasn’t it? Of course they were still in love, everyone could tell from the way they looked at each other. Just something had gone missing and it hadn’t come back since, something their relationship needed in order to survive. And somehow Myungsoo thought that Sungyeol was trying to tell him what it was with his eyes._

_But Myungsoo still didn’t know._

_They had to talk eventually, because Daeyeol came back soon and the brothers with Myungsoo were pulled into a meaningless dialogue full of stupid jokes. As if they hadn’t seen each other in forever. However, not even Daeyeol asked why it was that Sungyeol had tried to take his life away._

_Sungyeol didn’t say anything and nor did Myungsoo._

_It was later that afternoon that Daeyeol had dozed off, resting his head on the side of Sungyeol’s bed. Myungsoo had been informed earlier that the brothers’ parents didn’t know about Sungyeol yet and that they were not planning to tell them even. Myungsoo knew their parents and he completely understood Sungyeol and Daeyeol’s decision._

_Nonetheless, as the two of them were finally left to speak alone, Myungsoo thought that maybe he shouldn’t be delaying asking the desired question anymore. Somehow though, Sungyeol was faster in talking - he had always been and as Myungsoo predicted, he would always be._

_“I missed you.” Sungyeol said, smiling sadly at the younger._

_Myungsoo pushed his chair even closer to the bed. “I missed you too.” he smiled back, staring lovingly into his lover’s eyes that were somehow still distant and lifeless._

_The conversation wasn’t anything that would explain why they were there, it was just so awfully normal that it tickled Myungsoo’s senses too much. It was just the usual “How have you been?” asked by both of them when the time was right, they even threw an appropriate joke in there when it seemed like the right time to laugh a bit. But when they laughed, it could be heard that it was all feigned._

_They were forcing the smiles, the laughter; they were pretending like nothing had happened and the more they did so, the more it hurt them. It wasn’t long and Myungsoo felt so guilty and stupid that it just exploded in him; he felt his blood suddenly rushing all over his body, his veins having the time of their life. And so when they were indulged in silence again, because there suddenly was nothing to speak about, Myungsoo spoke before his mind could stop him._

_“What’s happening to us, Yeollie?”_

_Sungyeol didn’t bat an eyelash, it was as if he was expecting the question all along, he blinked twice when Myungsoo’s grip on his hand tightened by a bit. He smiled bitterly, looking at his boyfriend apologetically._

_Yet not a word came from his mouth._

_“Talk to me, Yeol.” Myungsoo pressed gently, trying to encourage the elder with the tone he used; he showed him he doesn’t have to be afraid to tell the truth, that they would try and think of a solution, that if they were in it together, nothing could possibly tear them apart._

_When Sungyeol didn’t respond, Myungsoo just sighed. “Is this about me? Have I done something wrong? If so, then just tell me, I will fix it. Okay? We’ll find a way, just... talk to me, please.”_

_“It’s not your fault at all.” Sungyeol finally said, avoiding the younger’s surprised gaze._

_Myungsoo actually felt kind of relieved that it wasn’t about him, however that still gave him no clues. “What is it, then?” he asked again, almost entreating the elder to talk to him._

_Sungyeol started to cry. “You can’t help me, Soo. No one can.”_

_“If you think I can’t help you, okay, just tell me what it is. I need to know, Yeollie... I need to know the reason why you...” Myungsoo’s voice died down, he just couldn’t say it aloud._

_The elder remained silent, just watching the other struggle with his words and crying without making any sounds._

_“Why... Why did you try to kill yourself?” Myungsoo finally asked directly, biting down on his lower lip. His eyes were screwed shut as he hung his head low, tears falling on his thighs._

_Sungyeol sighed shakily as he let his thumb run on the back of Myungsoo’s hand. As if on cue, Myungsoo lifted his head, eyes still full of tears._

_“You told me to be happy.” the elder said softly and Myungsoo would swear he had just then heard his heart fall on the floor, shattering into a million tiny pieces._

Myungsoo was pulled from his memories by an invisible hand once the bus started to move again and the hospital was disappearing from his sight.

He remembered well that after that day, there never was any more of Sungyeol’s “I’m fine” whenever Myungsoo had asked what was wrong. Even back then, even before the elder had tried to jump right into Death’s inviting arms, he should’ve know that there had always been something behind that feigned little sentence coming from Sungyeol’s lips to assure him that everything was perfect.

It wasn’t.

He glanced around the bus; several people had gotten on the bus earlier, he didn’t even notice. At the very front of the bus, a little girl was sitting with her mother. Myungsoo couldn’t hear what the girl was so excitedly talking about, but he found it endearing, when he saw her mother laugh with the kid and smile at her. Subconsciously, Myungsoo smiled as well.

He noticed that the girl, as she was gesturing very vigorously and throwing her tiny arms everywhere, had a string tied aroung her wrist that was leading up and there, floating near the ceiling of the vehicle, was a pink balloon with a happy smiley face on it.

And Myungsoo’s smile fell.

 

_“You seem to be more excited than I am.”_

_Myungsoo just laughed as he loaded himself with more of Sungyeol’s things that the elder held just one small bag. “How can I not be excited when I’m finally going to have you home.” he grinned then, just barely managing to stand straight and give the other a peck._

_One would almost think that nothing had happened between the two. The key word is ‘almost’. They were smiling at each other, cuddling, kissing, joking together, fooling around. Sungyeol was discharged that day and everything, as it would seem, was going to be perfect. It certainly seemed so, however if one looked in their eyes genuinely, closely - it wouldn’t matter whose - one would see nothing but pain and supressed sadness coated in fake delight._

_Ever since that late afternoon when the question was asked and the answer was given, never did they talk about it again. Somehow, knowing each other from A to Z as people often say, they had figured it would be better if they just carried on, pretending like nothing had happened. Because they, both of them, just couldn’t stand the thought of the other suffering more than them._

_And so they suffered together, because there just was not any other way._

_Myungsoo was fulfilling his promise he’d made to Daeyeol in silence, giving it his best  and Sungyeol thought everything was just fine. They had Dongwoo pick them up, the ride home went quite loudly as Dongwoo’s contagious laughter and toothy smiles the two of them saw through the rearview mirror and Sungyeol’s sudden urge to chat was something that couldn’t go quietly even if they tried._

_And so they didn’t and Myungsoo was happy to see Sungyeol smiling again, because those smiles were genuine._

_Truth to be told, Myungsoo would’ve never thought to see such an amount of colourful balloons floating around in their apartment, nor did he expect a gigantic ‘welcome home’ banner hanging just above the door that led to their living room. He knew he should’ve entrusted the keys to somebody else than Dongwoo, because even Sungjong could have watered the plants as Myungsoo spent most of his time in the hospital._

_Nonetheless, as the party was soon over, Myungsoo made a mental note to cuddle with Dongwoo sometime (because the elder loved cuddling oh so much), because it had been really a long time since he saw Sungyeol being his old self, because it had been too long since he saw the Sungyeol who didn’t have to pretend, the Sungyeol who would smile because it just felt nice, the Sungyeol he had once fallen in love with and had never stopped loving ever since._

_And when Sungyeol was okay, Myungsoo was as well._

_Things were okay._

He was brought back to his senses once the not exactly polite bus driver told him to get off the bus since they were at the final stop already. Myungsoo was blinking in confusion for a few seconds until his body finally lost patience and moved without his brain ordering it. He could feel the driver’s glare on the back of his head as he left, but it wasn’t like he cared anyway. Maybe even the driver would learn sooner or later what he was up to.

He sucked in the air deeply, it surely was different than in the center of the city. He didn’t bother to enjoy his surroundings; he didn’t have a reason to. And so he set off, hearing the straws of grass crunching underneath his shoes. It was nice to hear just that, there was nothing else that could possibly make him annoyed as there were no people around to make him hear their voices against his will.

The sky was blue, he noted, perhaps too blue for his liking. But he didn’t mind anymore, maybe he wouldn’t even mind if there were people around with their little irritating voices. Every problem he could think of as he walked suddenly seemed so small, even his own. Question was, did he have a problem?

Soon he halted his steps and looked around himself. Not a single person, he noted. Just he and Sungyeol alone, just like he had always liked it.

“Hey...” he spoke to the gravestone. “It’s  been long since my last visit, huh?” he chuckled bitterly. It was true, though. He had visited Sungyeol’s grave just once after the funeral. He didn’t remember much of it; Dongwoo had to take him home back then.

“I’m here for the last time today, though.” he continued; the wind had started to blow, he noticed.

He stared at the golden letters for a few moments, as if listening to the rustling of the leaves the wind had caused. He heard whispers.

“You know, you never told me why you did it in the first place. There was a time when I thought it was because of me, it  _was_  me who had told you to be happy after all.”

He sighed as he trailed off, clearly remembering that evening once more.

“I failed, Yeollie.” he started again, almost waiting for an answer. “I failed at protecting you, I failed  _you_. And I still don’t know why I wasn’t able to fulfill the promise I made with your brother. Perhaps you could tell me?”

He walked around the stone, sitting down on the ground at the other side of it, leaning his back against it. A lump in the back of his throat had started to form. “Remember when we said that we’d grow old together, eventually die together on the same day?” he asked, his hand sliding to the pocket of his hoodie.

“We kind of missed that day, huh?” he smiled to himself, observing the little bottle in his hand in quietly. “But I still want to go with you.” he added, opening the bottle.

People often say that you live just one life, the you should be enjoying it because you never know what’s waiting on the other side. But then again, what can be worse than not being able to live with yourself? With constant regrets poisoning your mind, guilt shaking with your senses, friends leaving you because they think you can’t get up from it again. What could be worse?

As he was emptying the bottle full of pills into his mouth, he was sorry; sorry that he didn’t know what had made Sungyeol try to take his life for the second time. Sorry that he couldn’t have prevented it. Sorry that he realised he had never really known the elder - at least not to the point he would’ve wanted. He was sorry, because in the end, it was all his fault.

But even with all the remorse, there was hope as well. Perhaps he would meet Sungyeol at a better place than Earth was.

Perhaps he would finally learn about the reason of it all.


	8. In My Veins (DW/SJ)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which past tends to repeat itself.

  


 

_Goosebumps started to break out on his skin as he nervously chewed on his lip. His eyes were already watering, his vision changing into a blur as he didn’t dare blink. It was real, so real, and his voice was finally starting to betray him as he struggled to let out whimpers and cries. His heart was pounding inside his head so loudly he barely heard anything else and he felt tiny beads of sweat breaking out on his palms._

_He wanted to scream for help, but as far as he could see there was no one. No one who would hold out a hand for him, no one who would save him from the certain death that was approaching. There still was that tiny voice inside his head that read his thoughts aloud to him and it was telling him it was time to snap out of it, to break free from it and run. And he was deaf._

_“He’s perfect.” he heard those voices again and again. “So perfect.”_

_But how did he get there? Who were those people? Why did he have to die?_

_It was so real and it made no sense._

_It should hurt me, he thought to himself as he was thrown to the concrete. Nothing hurt him any more, he felt nothing. For a small child like him, he gave up on life quickly as the pain of it all became so immense that it started to be insignificant. He couldn’t move, his body became numb and the only thing that his brain was still capable of noticing was his own blood pooling under him. He saw it and it felt kind of nice. The voices were getting quieter and harder to tell apart, there was no pain any more and his vision was getting darker and darker._

_And so he thought that it maybe wasn’t the end. That maybe a nap for an hour or two could actually make him feel better, make the fatigue go away. That after sleeping he’d have enough energy to go out and play with his friends and live on._

_Being satisfied with that picture, he soon failed to remain conscious any longer._

 

 

Dongwoo snapped out of his memories once a hand landed on the table right in front of his face with a quite loud bang. He jumped slightly and immediately looked up, blinking rapidly as if seeing the person for the first time in his life.

“I don’t pay you for sleeping, Dongwoo.” the man spoke, sighing.

The said boy immediately felt guilty, because seeing disappointment in the eyes of a person you keep close is worse than having them yell. He played with his fingers a bit as he collected the courage bit by bit to actually say something.

“I wasn’t sleeping.” he murmured to himself, sadly it was not loud enough for the other to hear. “Sorry, Sunggyu-hyung.” he said, louder. “But it’s not that big of a deal, I mean, it’s lifeless here.” he added, pointing all around the place where not one living creature could be seen aside from the two of them.

Sunggyu sighed yet again. “I know, but this shouldn’t be happening.” he stated, sounding nicer.

“Sorry.” the younger muttered, looking down at his fingers fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

“It’s okay.” Sunggyu smiled widely before patting Dongwoo on the shoulder. “Now back to work.” he added before getting up and walking away.

And Dongwoo watched as Sunggyu’s retreating figure was slowly disappearing from his sight until he was left alone in the hall that was lacking life. All there was, that would represent people a bit, were mixed voices coming from far away; there were so many of them, having fun, chatting, hanging out with friends and shopping for presents even though it was just half of November.

When he thought back to his past, which was happening more and more often as time flew, he remembered things no one would like to hear about. Things that made people shiver when he told them, things that made them pity him and he didn’t want to be pitied. Dongwoo had always been a cheery person, however people had always tended to overlook that when his feigned, bright smile wasn’t convincing.

All those years back to the past, he thought, he was so,  _so very_  little back then - not everyone would remember all that had happened to him, or they would just push it out of their minds and much to his bitterness, he did remember and never had the strength to push. It was a hot night, halfway through July back then and little Dongwoo had a nightmare. There were men, tall men covered in muscles, and their faces were hidden in shadows.

There was darkness, cold and heavy air. There were the men and their heartless, cold laughter echoing through the air that lacked oxygen. There was blood and pain going hand in hand with tears and useless screams. There were things that didn’t make sense; a child’s clothes scattered all over the rock-hard ground, painful cries that pierced even through hearts made of stone and hideous grins that stole all the hope away. There was no light and no help coming and so he gave up.

When little Dongwoo woke up from that nightmare thanks to nice men in uniforms and their pretty cars that had blue and red lights shining on tops, he found out it wasn’t a nightmare at all, that all that he saw in that dream had  _really_  happened and even back then, Dongwoo wondered how was it possible that he was still alive, how it all could have been so real and make no sense at the same time, because he remembered every detail.

The answer never came.

His parents and sisters were babying him, trying to nurse his wrecked, young mind back to its original state. However, even for a happy child Dongwoo was at that time, there were limits beyond which the damages couldn’t have been fixed. Dongwoo’s sobs were the only remains of his voice his family had heard since that day.

Only later he found out that they’d kidnapped him to blackmail his parents and the criminals were not caught.

“Hyung!”

He snapped out of his trance and took a sharp turn around, grinning immediately, because he knew that voice oh so very well. Bad memories were long forgotten and good ones took place.

“Jongie!” he exclaimed and watched as the boy made his way through the empty hall, right towards him.

Dongwoo himself meanwhile hopped to the other side of the counter to greet his boyfriend, who, deliberately of course, did not step on the brakes of his feet and crashed right into the elder, who didn’t mind the slightest bit. Because they both were obviously used to it and naturally, such ‘traffic accidents’ evolved into long hugs where they would usually smile widely to themselves, feeling warmth spreading inside.

As if on cue back then, when they were little, Sungjong miraculously appeared in Dongwoo’s life and it was him who made all those bad things go away. It was him who made Dongwoo see the colours of the world again and it was him who made his voice come back. And so it began. It took an unimaginable amount of time, many nights when they had abandoned sleep just to make Dongwoo happy again.They succeeded and the time they spent together did magic to their friendship.

There was a time when Dongwoo believed that Sungjong was sent by someone to bring him out of the shadows.

Them starting to see each other in a different way than in the friendly one had no extraordinary beginning like they like to show in movies or cliché dramas. It was simple, quick and they both loved it just like they loved each other.

But sometimes, Dongwoo loved a little too much.

“What are you doing here so soon?” Dongwoo asked once they pulled away. “The movie starts later, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah, it does. Can’t I just see you sooner?” Sungjong pouted.

“You never do that.” Dongwoo stated, raising his brow at him.

“Liar.” Sungjong puffed his cheeks. “But I noticed that you, my dearest dinosaur, bought tickets for the wrong film.” he added, handing the tickets over.

“Let me see.” the elder let his eyes fly on the tickets, seeing nothing wrong. “These are exactly the tickets I wanted to buy.”

“Thought you didn’t fancy thrillers.”

“I still don’t, but you do.” Dongwoo grinned.

Sungjong chuckled at the statement. “Have you been hanging out with Woohyun-hyung lately?”

“Of course, we work together! It’s his day off today, though.” the elder pouted.

“Doesn’t matter! His grease is contagious.”

Dongwoo laughed loudly, his voice echoing through the hall. That was right the thing he loved about their relatioship. Nothing much had really changed from when they were just friends, we could say that just more activities were added. They still talked to each other like best friends normally would, they laughed together like best friends would, they were there for each other like best friends should. And it all was supported by ‘I love you’ coming from each side.

“Anyway, when is your shift over?” Sungjong asked then, taking the tickets back from the elder.

“In two hours.” Dongwoo answered, grinning.

“Good then, I’ll go and shoo hyungs away and accompany you here, because this place is so lifeless you could die here and no one would notice.”

Dongwoo chuckled. “Okay.” he said before leaning in and kissing the younger gently, having him respond to the contact immediately. In fact, it was always Sungjong who dominated their kisses and it was yet again proved right after he had pushed the elder against the counter, turning a light kiss into a heavy make out session in a matter of seconds.

Needless to mention that Sungjong being dominant and all that came with it was one of Dongwoo’s favourite things about the younger boy. However, he had never had the stomach to tell the boy what had actually happened all those years back in the past, what was the thing that made him stop talking, what was the thing that broke him in the middle.

But Sungjong knew everything and Dongwoo was oblivious.

Dongwoo didn’t even remember when exactly he had started to work in Lotte Cinema in Yeongdeungpo. Working behind a counter at the snack bar could seem like a job that one wouldn’t make much from, however Dongwoo wouldn’t go away even if they were about to kill him. Even Sunggyu was nice from time to time; as every other boss he had the nagging nature, but, as Dongwoo had found out once, he was quite fun to hang out with.

However, it was not a known fact that Dongwoo came from quite a wealthy family as his father held a high position in the central bank of South Korea, right at the headquarters in Jung-gu and his mother was a respected beautician very well-known among celebrities and their agencies. Yet, not wanting to depend on his parents’ money only, Dongwoo had decided to stand up on his own feet. Back then, Sungjong had sworn to his parents that he’d take care of their son and indeed, he had been doing an excellent job since then.

Of course, Dongwoo wasn’t the only child that wanted to try life on his own out and so, not long after he’d moved out, his sisters gave it a try as well.

They pulled apart once the need for oxygen was too much to handle and with their lungs burning, they stared at each other for a moment, being fond of having the opportunity to be there with one another. Then Sungjong went, as he said himself, ‘to shoo the hyungs away’. And Dongwoo watched him trail away with a smile.

Once the boy disappeared behind a corner, Dongwoo sighed and looked around the lifeless hall. The movie that had all people proceed to the theatre had been on just for half an hour and so Dongwoo had at least another one and half hour to sit there and stare into space. But at least, Sungjong would be there to keep him company. They could stare into space together.

 

 

 

Sungjong wandered around the department store slowly. The building was huge indeed, however it was made that everyone could reach the cinema easily. After all, a Lotte Department Store had to have a Lotte Cinema in it. And it really wasn’t like he wasn’t looking forward to seeing Dongwoo again even though he’d been away for less than twenty minutes, but he needed to think, so he pretended to pay attention to the overpriced handbags in the shop window he was just passing.

Everything would’ve been fine if only his conversation he’d had with Myungsoo and Sungyeol just before they went away wasn’t still playing in his head like a broken tape.

_“You’re staying?”_

_Sungjong rolled his eyes dramatically. “Of course I’m staying. He’s still my boyfriend.” he stated._

_He watched as Myungsoo suddenly leaned in to whisper something in Sungyeol’s ear, even covering his mouth so Sungjong couldn’t hear nor at least try to see what he was saying. Myungsoo apparently got an idea and that was not a good sign._

_He gave them a raised brow and impatiently waited for them to finish. He couldn’t unnotice how Sungyeol’s facial expression started to change as Myungsoo was progressing with his whispering._

_And all of a sudden, Sungyeol didn’t have the expression of an innocent child he wore daily. It’d changed into something far more dangerous, something that Sungjong was forced to face only when there was work to do. And naturally, he didn’t like it one bit. Sometimes he thought the tall guy had a long lost twin somewhere and that one of them was a child trapped inside a body of a man and the other one was a wicked genius. When Myungsoo’s colourful imagination was added, the two of them were a match made in heaven._

_When Myungsoo finally stopped whispering and pulled away, he remained quiet letting Sungyeol do the talking. Just like always._

_“You’re going to do it today.” Sungyeol announced, almost commading the younger boy._

_“No way. You said that’s up to me.” Sungjong defended himself._

_“That was half a year ago, Sungjong. Fucking six months.” the elder barked. “You’re a softie. You’d never do it if we didn’t push you to it anyway.”_

_“But I can’t... I don’t have the things here.”_

_“Of course, that’s why you have us. We’ve been in business together for how many years, Jongie? You should know that Myungsoo always carries a spare kit, just for cases like this one.” Sungyeol shot him an evil smile as he gestured to his partner._

_Sungjong remained quiet and so Sungyeol continued. “Besides, I heard you’re going on a date today. A movie, am I right? Perfect opportunity.” he grinned. “Don’t blow it, Sungjong. We’ll be expecting the info later tonight.”_

_With that the two of them soon disappeared in a nearby restaurant, not even giving Sungjong a chance to speak._

Sungjong sighed to himself as he kept staring at the same handbag for seven minutes, not that he kept the count. His lips curved in a bitter smile as he shot a glance at the briefcase Myungsoo had given him before he strode away with Sungyeol. He had all he needed - a simple task, materials and a perfect opportunity. Nothing should be blocking his way, but that wouldn’t be much fun, would it?

It was Sungjong himself who blocked his own way.

But in the end, after thinking it over and over, he decided to suck it up and get it over with.

To just move on.

 

 

“Didn’t you say Woohyun-hyung was off work today?” Sungjong asked, as he and Dongwoo proceeded to grab popcorn and drinks.

Of course, there was none other than Woohyun standing behind the counter at the snack bar. The couple waved at him and waited for their orders. Meanwhile, Dongwoo turned back to Sungjong, scratching the back of his head sheepishly.

“I lied.” he laughed awkwardly. “My shift usually ends later and Sunggyu wouldn’t let me off unless I found myself a backup.” he explained, winking at Woohyun who just nodded with a smile.

Sungjong’s heart sped up, but he didn’t let it show.  _‘You should have stayed at work.’_  he thought and chuckled sadly in his head. “Oh...” was all he could let out.

“You owe me, hyung.” Woohyun grinned from behind the counter, handing over the food and drinks.

“I know. I’ll take you out sometime, okay?” Dongwoo smiled back and paid Woohyun for his service.

“Deal.” Woohyun nodded and waved at them as they disappeared in the crowd and proceeded to other customers.

Dongwoo subconsciously intertwined his and Sungjong’s fingers as they walked, letting themselves be carried by the endless crowd of people that were going to see the movie as well. Dongwoo had always enjoyed their movie dates and he was sure Sungjong had enjoyed them just as much; it was nice, they both loved movies - even though different genres - and most importantly, it was intimate.

Even though they’d been dating for a nice number of months, intimacy had never been something they got plenty of. Dongwoo had a job and Sungjong had one as well, plus he was still studying. The elder had often asked the other how was it possible that he could pay for everything without using his parents’ money.

All Sungjong had always said was “I have something saved up.” and decorated it with a smile. So Dongwoo just let it slide and instead moved on to enjoy their time together as much as it was possible.

As they entered the half-empty theatre, Sungjong took the lead and led them to their seats which couldn’t have been better. They were seated at the very back, but the view was wonderful; needless to say that the back row was the best for some of the needed intimacy.

Once the lights started to turn down slowly, Sungjong began to feel his heart travelling up to his throat, picking the pace it was beating with every second. He didn’t want to do it, he didn’t want to listen to orders anymore. When the lights went off completely and the movie started, Sungjong was kind of relieved that Dongwoo could just barely see his face - he was scared that he would see all the lies he had in his eyes, all the things he had done, all those regrets he’d been carrying all along.

Sungjong knew. He knew everything about Dongwoo’s past even when the elder never told him himself. He knew because he had reliable sources of information. He knew because he had been trained to listen to people’s orders since he was a child and so when the order came, he listened. He knew, because Dongwoo was his target. Or, to be more precise, Dongwoo parents’ wealth was the target.

Dongwoo was Sungjong’s target because his predecessors had failed in doing their job right.

Him entering Dongwoo’s life was no miracle at all, it all had been planned long before it took place. Sungjong befriended Dongwoo, never asked questions, helped him, earned the elder’s infinite trust. Just like he was supposed to. And because he did all that was expected of him, everything went well. Until the day he felt something twitch inside of him when Dongwoo gave him his toothy smile. As people tend to say at times, Dongwoo fought his way into his veins and he couldn’t get him out.

Around a month later, they started dating and knowing what he was supposed to do when the time would be right, Sungjong knew he wouldn’t be able to make it. Even back then. He’d made mistakes, an awful lot of them. But the worst one was carrying on. He didn’t even try to get away from his superiors when there still was time. He let it run too far and suddenly, there was no way out.

Because they also had their secret aces with which they made the ‘employees’ do their job, no matter the circumstances. He didn’t have parents, Dongwoo didn’t know that. And the money for his studies, that was just a compensation for all those people he had sold.

And so there he was, sitting in a cinema and watching a film.

> _Perfect opportunity_.

Sungyeol’s voice rang in his head still louder, he was going insane.

He stole a glance at Dongwoo, who, despite he didn’t like thrillers at all, had his eyes trained on the screen, watching the actors’ every move and munching popcorn. Sungjong smiled at the sight, it was so cute and it hurt so much. 

> _Don’t blow it, Sungjong._

The boy bit his lip as he sucked in a harsh breath through his teeth. He glanced at the briefcase that was innocently resting at his feet like an obedient puppy, just waiting to be used. The longer he stared at it, the more he wanted to just leave it there and run away with the elder. But then the image of his younger brother being tied to a chair with a cloth around his mouth and eyes flashed through his mind and he once again realised he couldn’t run.

Because they had him.

> _You’ll do it today._

Sungjong cried. He tried to hold in the tears that were threatening to fall ever since the talk with Sungyeol and Myungsoo. He tried and failed, he was a failure. Tears were falling, rolling down to his chin, dripping down onto his pants and he had to get it over with. And so with heavy heart, he slid his hand into the briefcase, pulling out a syringe filled with some kind of a liquid.

Taking a deep breath, he wiped his face with his free hand while he hid the other behind his back. He turned to Dongwoo to face him completely, putting on his best fake smile.

Dongwoo seemed to sense Sungjong’s eyes on him and so he tore his eyes from the screen to see the younger smiling at him. He smiled back automatically, then he noticed that Sungjong was slowly leaning closer. He couldn’t complain, kissing in a cinema had always been one of his favourite activities and so he leaned in as well.

The kiss was gentle, slow and the sweetest one they’d ever shared. It was beautiful, kind of romantic as there were no tongues, no teeth. Just their lips, their hands cupping each other’s faces and their love. However, Sungjong was dying inside; the longer the kiss got, the more it hurt and he felt the tears stinging in his closed eyes again.

> _Don’t blow it, Sungjong._

It happened in a matter of less than two seconds; Sungjong’s hand darted from behind his back. They never broke the kiss until the syringe in Sungjong’s hand was stabbed right to Dongwoo’s shoulder, the sedative being forcefully pushed into his system.

Dongwoo gasped at the sudden pain and his eyes immediately shot open. Before however he was able to do anything, Sungjong was kissing him again and his cheeks were wet. Feeling the sedative spreading, Dongwoo responded to the kiss - after all, if kissing his boyfriend was supposed to be the last thing he’d ever do,  _so be it,_  he thought.

Sungjong was shaking violently as he circled his arms around Dongwoo’s neck and shoulders, pulling him close, movie long forgotten.

“I’m sorry...” he whispered shakily again the elder’s lips. “So,  _so_  sorry.”

He cried, waterfalls were falling from his eyes, drowning their cheeks. Gradually, Dongwoo’s response to the kiss was getting weaker and weaker as the elder was losing the fight to remain conscious.

And so, when Dongwoo fell to Sungjong’s lap, the younger boy broke down completely. It wasn’t even guilt any more that was consuming him so much. He didn’t even know what all it was. Betrayal? He couldn’t be sure and it didn’t matter any more. Suddenly nothing mattered to him. Not when there was his boyfriend, lying lifeless in his lap just about to face exactly the same nightmare like all those years before.

Because of him.

And so, when there were no more tears he could shed, no more curses he could utter at himself, he fished out his phone and completelly emotionless, he dialled Sungyeol’s number.

 

 

Dongwoo handed his resignation letter to Sunggyu six months later. Of course, Sunggyu knew the reasons and with one tight hug and a pat on the shoulder, he let Dongwoo go. So did Woohyun and the rest of his co-workers, promising that they’d meet up and hang out someday. At that, Dongwoo smiled and disappeared from that place that reminded him so much of everything that was wrong in his life.

He couldn’t have stayed there, not after everything that had happened. He didn’t know what to do with his life any more, whether to just go back to his parents who lost their wealth they had worked so hard for just to save him, to stay with one of his sisters for the time being or to just disappear from the Earth’s face on his own.

Sungjong indeed had succeeded. He had clouded his mind with love, he had betrayed him, he had given him everything and stole it away again.

And so Dongwoo just wandered on the streets of Seoul, leaving everything behind.

His family nor his friends did ever hear his voice again. 

Because there was no one who would magically appear at his door, no one who would comfort him, no one who would be a friend to him, no one who would make his voice come back for the second time.

There was no one, because, despite everything, Dongwoo couldn’t get the boy with face prettier than any girl’s out of his head, out of his heart, out of his veins.


	9. Imprisoned (HY/SG)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which life equals death.

 

_"My love,_

_It has been long since these hands grabbed a pen to scramble down some words for you. I'm sorry I kept you waiting. The weather has gotten colder since I last wrote you a letter, I hope you're dressing warmly! But if I remember it well, you have always liked winter, haven't you?_

_Those little snowflakes lazily falling from the sky; we were always trying to catch them in our mouths, remember? You would always tell me not to do it because I was so clumsy I could trip over my own feet if I didn't look.I usually tripped, though. You tend to have truth on your side, don't you?_

_But you would always lay beside me in the snow and hold my hand. I wish we could go out and play again, and I hope you're coming to visit me sometime. I miss you._

_It's so different from before. I remember how we would always go everywhere together and you wouldn't let go of me; you would always have your arm around my shoulder or my waist and we would walk wherever our legs took us. I wish we could return to those times.Why has it come down to this? I still ask myself, but perhaps the answer is very well hidden. But they say if you keep searching, you'll find what you're looking for. Perhaps we both should be looking for the reason why, because perhaps the fault is on both sides._

_I still remember the day I met you; it was also in winter and the first thing I learned about you was that exact fact of how much you've loved that season. You were that kind stranger everyone is bound to meet one day._

_I guess I was just lucky to meet you, because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here today, writing these lines."_

The frost on the railing was burning his palms as he gripped it tight and looked over. Despite having fear of heights, he felt nothing when he looked down; it was actually quite the opposite. He felt that freedom he had been seeking for so long was finally one step away. One step and he'd be freed of it all. No more stress, no more judging looks, no more life.

A harsh gust of freezing wind hit him in the face; he enjoyed the stinging sensation it evoked on his cheeks because for the first time in his life he felt he had control over his actions. Ever since his seventh birthday, his life had been lined and he hated that someone else had wanted to control his life. He hated that he had never experienced the difficulty of making decisions because they had been made for him before he even knew he'd have to make them. And so as he sat on the railing that separated the rooftop of the hospital his mother was just resting in and the thin air, he took in a breath and took a while admiring the shapes of the city he hated.

"Enjoying the silence?"He jerked a bit, he couldn't deny the sudden intrusion got him scared a little. He turned around and saw a male; he could have been around the same age as him, perhaps a little shorter, but nothing too bold. The man possessed a handsome face, he had to admit; but what confused him was the man's uniform from which it was apparent that he was an employee in that hospital. Presumably, a nurse.

"You could say so." he replied coldly, turning around again, watching the clouds gather above the city."It's going to snow soon." the man stated as he shifted closer, leaning his elbows on the railing. "Do you like winter?" he asked then.

He watched the man in utter confusion, because that was not something you would ask someone who was just about to put an end to everything. And yet there he was, staring off at the sky and waiting for the first snowflakes to descend as if it was the most normal situation he had ever been in.

He sighed and watched his breath disappear into the air. "I don't necessarily hate it." he answered.

The man smiled, not moving one bit. "That's good."

"Why?"

"If you don't hate it, isn't it one of the reasons you shouldn't jump? You like something up here, everyone does. For me it's winter; you know, I could stop the time and live this season forever, I wouldn't mind. Somehow the cold always manages to put my mind to ease." he explained. "What do you like? Can be anything."

He stared at the man in awe. It was so strange how he could talk to a complete stranger so easily and not being nervous at all. Somehow, the man's question made him think about it; almost reconsider his decision. What did he like in the world? He couldn't think of one simple thing he would like or look forward to. What he felt, it was all numb; nothing was right any more, everything had lost its colour for him.

"Can't think of anything." he admitted after a while, sighing yet again."I'm sure there is something." the man replied calmly."Perhaps..." he mused. "It's not like it matters, is it?"

"Of course it matters." He didn't answer. He kept his tongue inside his mouth and watched the life running. He could almost feel it as it was slipping through his fingers like water. "You can stop trying, you know?" he said then, chuckling bitterly.

"I'm not going to stop you if you think that's what I'm up to." the man replied. "I like coming up here to relax and I saw you here, that's all. If you want to end it, go ahead, because I'm just having a chat."

He could feel a lump forming in the back of his throat and tears welling up in his eyes all of a sudden. He didn't even know why; it was rather rare for him to cry so why right there and then? Somehow the man's words just deepened the hole in his heart, but he didn't know why. He shouldn't care any more, he was there to end it and all he was supposed to feel was the cold eating up his bare hands. Nothing else. He should look forward to the never-ending darkness that was just one step away from him and not be scared of jumping into it.

He hated himself and the world and he was sure the world hated him as well, so why it was that a few moments before he'd get it over with that man came and messed with his head? Why it was that he was reconsidering whether to end it or not?

"Well then..." the man exhaled as he stood up straight again. "It was nice talking to you." he smiled and started to walk away.

He watched the man's retreating figure in horror; he knew he shouldn't be so affected by him, yet sadly enough he was. Suddenly, the idea of putting an end to everything didn't seem so great. Perhaps there still was a chance of him having a new life ahead, of a possibility to start anew. And so he turned around on the railing and his feet landed safely on the ground of the rooftop. "Wait." he blurted, watching as the man halted his steps upon hearing him.

"Yes?" he asked casually, looking at him over his shoulder.

"I don't know your name." he said, avoiding the man's piercing eyes.

The man chuckled. "Well," he clicked his tongue, "Why don't we discuss that over a nice cup of coffee?" he suggested with a smile.

His smile grew only wider in satisfaction when he saw the other, who would've been on the other side by then if he hadn't come to the picture, trailing behind him shyly. He had just saved a life and the feeling was awesome.

_"The coffee wasn't as nice as you had promised, though. The way you reacted when I told you I don't put sugar in after you had put it in was absolutely adorable; even now my cheeks hurt because I'm grinning like a fool at that memory._

_You know, even when it might have not looked like it, I always have been and will be grateful for that day. I wonder what it's like to save a life, must feel wonderful. Perhaps I'll be given a chance to save someone as well in the future. Perhaps you'd like to tell me how you felt back then, so I'd have something to look forward to. I think that even back then you must have sensed how slightly affectionate I had become with you. Ever since the beginning you knew. You knew and you still betrayed me. I have loved you so much and I still do and it hurts, you know? Because you didn't want me any more; had I been too much of a burden for you that you searched for love elsewhere? I suppose I'll never know._

_I can't deny we had a nice relationship, though, can I? My hands still tremble when I recall how nervous I was when I confessed to you. I was so scared that you would say no and send me away. I was so scared and so in love that you saved my life for the second time when you accepted me. Perhaps that is also a reason why my love for you has not died just yet. Perhaps it never will and I'll die with you as the last thought flying through my mind._

_If I hadn't met you, I wouldn't have ended up here yet if I hadn't met you, we wouldn't have gone through so many beautiful times and so when my time comes, I shall die with no remorse. Because you were the only reason for me to be happy."_

"Oh..." he stopped drying his hair off with a towel once he saw the person standing behind the door. "Hey, Gyu." he smiled sweetly right away.

"Hi." Sunggyu waved cutely, before making his way inside. Once Howon closed the door behind his boyfriend and turned around, he was trapped in the other's embrace so quickly he couldn't even blink. Over the time, he had gotten used to Sunggyu's clingy behaviour, especially when he was around, but 'surprises' like those had always caught him off guard. He couldn't deny he enjoyed every time Sunggyu's poker-face had turned into something so squishy when he smiled and his beautiful features under the cold façade broke free.

And so he didn't hesitate to hug the elder back. Nonetheless, he had to ask, "What's with the sudden visit?" as he rubbed circles into Sunggyu's back.

"Don't you want to see me?" Sunggyu asked, suddenly pulling away. "Well, I can just go..." he said, head bowed as he trudged towards the door again.

"No, no, wait, baby, I'm sorry. Of course I want to see you." Howon panicked, immediately pulling Sunggyu back by his wrist. "It's just that you usually call before you come and I wasn't prepared for you. I just got out of the shower and it's a mess here." he explained, jutting his lower lip out.

Sunggyu grinned in victory, "It's always a mess here and you look hot like this." he eyed the other hungrily as he inched closer, breathing against Howon's lips.

"When don't I?" Howon whispered back, smirking lightly. That was the last drop for Sunggyu's self-control and he pressed himself forward, harshly attacking Howon's lips, sucking on. He immediately felt a strong arm circling around his waist and he smirked, giving in to the touch.

And so it happened that a few hours later, when they were both tangled in Howon's sheets and in each other's limbs, that Sunggyu, still awake by then, snuggled to the warmth his boyfriend's sleeping body provided and quite possessively whispered those tiny words that only assured him that Howon was never going to be taken away from him.

_"You're mine."_

_"Would you guess it's been half a year already? It seems like yesterday to me; just one day since you left me and it's been so long. It has always been you who complained about me being late and where are you now?_

_I'm waiting for sixth month already and you still don't seem to come and see me anytime soon. Where are you? I haven't heard a word from you since you left. Do you love somebody else now? Are they better than me? I guess so, because even when we were together, you found time to text your friends. And what do I get now? Not even a word._

_I suppose I really was a burden then. Whenever I said it out loud, you'd hug me and tell me that I was not a burden at all. Where are you now? Did you lie every time you hugged me? Did you? Because my unanswered letters are suggesting so. You're not here and I'm scared that I really was an encumbrance._

_You know, towards the end, I could feel it. You were avoiding me whenever I was trying to get closer to you; it seemed like you weren't interested in trying to save what we had between us. Perhaps you really weren't._

_That day, when I saw you cheating on me with that guy, simply was the last drop. I couldn't take it anymore. Perhaps that is why you left after we'd fought so terribly._

_When I last saw your face, I couldn't deny you were still as beautiful as the first day we met, when you saved my life. And for a second, I regretted that fight. We could still be together today, but I just couldn't bear the thought of sharing you with someone._

_Say, would you be able to share me with someone? Because if you would, then I have nothing more to say to you."_

Dongwoo nervously tapped his foot as he glanced at his phone for an umpteenth time. Even the waitress had been giving him weird looks for a while already and all he wanted was to go and tell her to keep her way-too-big eyes on someone else. However he had other things to worry about because Howon was exactly forty-seven minutes late and it was a well-known fact that Howon was  _never_  late.

After another five minutes when he had just enough, Dongwoo decided to call him again. Dialling the number, he still heard his best friendd's worried voice when he had asked him to meet up. When no one picked up, the lump of fear in his stomach just grew.

The worst of all was that Dongwoo suspected what was going on. Howon had asked him to meet up a several times before, but all in the same month. Before they had scarcely gone out to just hang out together. During those meet ups, Howon may have or may have not told Dongwoo about his troubles with his boyfriend.

All that Dongwoo could make up from Howon's rather mysterious way of speaking was that Sunggyu was costing Howon all his free time. Of course, when one had someone to spend one's time with, one should be glad, but according to what Howon had told him, Dongwoo was quite sure that something had gone wrong. Perhaps his friend would tell him more, only if he showed up on time.

Just when he was about to leave the shop, the door opened and a very tired Howon appeared. Just seeing his face made Dongwoo sigh and sit back down, gesturing for the other to join him.

"Sorry." was the first thing Howon said once he sat down.

"Don't apologise... Though a text back or maybe an answered call would be nice. What the hell happened to your phone?" Dongwoo eyed the other worriedly.

"I smashed it against a wall after I had called you." Howon admitted, being evidently embarrassed. "I haven't been this frustrated ever before."

"Oh." Dongwoo paused for a while before continuing, "This is bad, though. You look like you haven't slept for days."

"Practically, I haven't."

"Oh, dear  _God_. So will you finally tell me what's up? I'm worried." Dongwoo pressed on, starting to tap his foot again.

"It's Sunggyu." Howon sighed, looking away.

"Yeah, I figured that as much. Go on."

"He's... I don't know. Too clingy? He never wants to let me go and hang out with anyone, when I'm not at home, he immediately panics and I get a bunch of "where are you" texts within one minute. And I'm just out for groceries or something. When I return, I get a lecture how I should be more responsible and tell him that I'm going out next time, preferably with who and where."

Dongwoo merely nodded. He didn't have words.

"Even now, I had to lie to him, Dongwoo. I had to freaking  _lie_ , because he'd try to lock me in with all his might if I told him I'm meeting up with you. I can't sleep because I keep thinking what to do and I just can't do this anymore. I can't break it off, because it would break  _him_  and I wouldn't be able to stand that. And I can't just keep going on."

"Have you tried to talk to him about it?" Dongwoo asked.

"Of course, but he'd always make a scene about how I don't love him anymore and he'd lock himself up in his room. After a few hours it's like nothing has ever happened. I can't break up with him, because despite his rants about how I don't love him, I do, Dongwoo, I really do." Howon bit his lip to prevent himself from breaking down. "What should I do?"

Dongwoo saw tears there, but didn't say a word.

He thought for a while before speaking up, "I don't know, honestly, I really don't. But I suppose there are only two ways. Either you stay or go. Because according to what you're telling me here, this is not a normal lovely possessiveness, but a serious situation. And if I were you, I'd go."

"I thought you'd say that." Howon chuckled bitterly, "And I know it's right. It just hurts, you know."

Dongwoo smiled, patting the other on his shoulder. "Come on, I'll take you home."

"No, thanks, I'll walk. After all if he saw me with you, it wouldn't end well."

"Right." Dongwoo chuckled and got up from his seat.

As they exited the shop, Howon sucked in a deep breath and wrapped Dongwoo's smaller frame in his arms. "Thanks." he whispered,  before quickly pulling away.

Dongwoo flashed him his toothy smile and patted him again, "Anytime." he grinned. "Good luck."

"I'll need it." he muttered to himself, watching Dongwoo's retreating back slowly disappearing from his sight.

Turning around, he almost jumped out of his skin, seeing Sunggyu standing there with his arms crossed and eyes narrowed.

_"How could you cheat on me? I saw it with my own two eyes; you looked at him they same way you used to look at me when yu still loved me. I wish I didn't remember that day, do you believe me? I wish that day didn't happen at all. I wish you were here with me again, just like we used to. If it weren't for that day, you'd still be here with me._

_If not for that day, I wouldn't be writing this now."_

"How many times do I need to tell you?  _That_  was my  _friend,_ okay? You have them too, but you don't care about them anymore."

There it was, another day, another pointless interrogation slowly escalating to a pointless fight. And Howon had just enough.

Sunggyu seemed quite offended, "Why would I when I have you?" he almost yelled at the other, who just helplessly stood by the door of their apartment.

Howon sighed. "That's exactly what I'm talking about! Your world can't revolve  _just_  around me, Gyu. It can't."

"How about you leave that for me to decide? Maybe you can't spend your time with me only, but I  _want_  to be with you!" Sunggyu exclaimed, exaspearted. "Well, obviously this isn't mutual."

"God, I was  _not_  cheating on you! Do you seriously think I'd do something like that?"

"And wouldn't you?"

"No! But if you think I would, then maybe we should end this." Howon sighed. "This all, it's ruining me, Gyu. I don't sleep, I don't eat, because I just don't have the stomach for it. Do you understand what I'm saying? I can't go on like this."

"Oh. So I  _was_  right, after all." Sunggyu muttered. "You were just playing with me, right? All along!"

"I wasn't! Whatever you do or say, it doesn't change the fact that I've loved you from the start!" Howon exploded, tears spilling over, "But this is really pointless, though. We're over." he claimed then, turning around to leave.

"No, we 're not done here. I won't let you go." Sunggyu threatened lowly.

"Yes, you will. I'll come for my things tomorrow." Howon announced, being just about to leave.

However, Sunggyu, unable to control his actions anymore, grabbed the nearest object that came to hand and in the next second, Howon felt dull pain dashing from his nape to his whole body. Yet before he could react, more blows to his head came and soon there was nothing but pitch-black darkness, deafening silence and blood on Sunggyu's hands.

_"I loved you so much. So very much. I couldn't let you go, I couldn't let anyone else have someone so wonderful beside them. But you betrayed me and it hurt so much. I cried so hard, when you stopped moving, so hard when they took you away from me. I screamed right there that I loved you and that they couldn't separate us. I screamed, cried and begged, but they still took you away. Even now, when I ask them when I'll be able to see you again, they just smile at me and always say "soon". It's been six months._

_I wanted us to be together forever, but you didn't. I couldn't share you. You were mine and if I couldn't have you, no one could. I loved you so much._

_If you didn't want to leave me, you wouldn't be dead now. We could be together; dates, cuddles, kisses, everything. If only you didn't want to leave. I miss you so much, even after all that has happened. I know you'd tell me to let go if you were still here, but it's not that simple. I guess you wouldn't know - you broke up with me so easily. It's not always that easy to let go and I'm weak, I wouldn't survive without you._

_Now I at least know that no one will have you and that I'm the only one who's ever had you._

_I hope you'll answer me this time._

_With infinite love,_

_Sunggyu"_

 

He folded the paper and put it in a small envelope. He stared at it for a while, before handing it to a nurse that stood by his door. She smiled at him and left him alone. He looked out of his window. The weather was beautiful; snowflakes lazily falling on the ground, covering it like a warm woollen blanket, even the clouds weren't as grey as they had been that morning. It was as if the world got a bit lighter, he noted.

Smiling, he reached out to his nightstand, grabbing a picture of his one and only, observing it lovingly.

It was Friday, 24th of January in the year 2014; Kim Sunggyu's 183rd day in the professional care of South Korea's best psychiatrists.


	10. Borders of Despair (MS/SY)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which words are the knives piercing through hearts

 

On the day he came for me, the world suddenly felt lighter.

**

We met for the first time when I was seven, I remember. The day was pale without colours. Perhaps the radio reporters knew why it was that way; after all they were announcing one dreadful message after another. I liked listening to them.

There was a knock on our door one evening. I wasn't even aware of having neighbours. My brother had opened the door and brought him in. A boy my age, soaking wet and shivering, asked for a bit of flour. While mummy was in the kitchen, I carefully observed him. I had always noticed details first and I saw a tiny scar he had next to his right eye. It made me wonder how someone like me could have gotten one when every person I had met was nice and kind.

It was only later that I'd found out how.

_I was bad and mummy said that I'd get better if she hit me."_ he told me.

I remember I had wanted to meet his mummy. Her ways were different, but I had wanted to thank her for bringing up child so kind like Myungsoo was. 

We were fourteen when Europe was exploding with news coming from Germany. When I first saw the man who became the chancellor, he didn't really appeal to me, but the people there loved him so I thought he couldn't be bad. But Koreans were not interested as I'd found out. Europe was far away for all I knew.

It was a few days after my birthday that mummy told me she thought there was something wrong with me. She wanted to take me to a doctor and I had hated doctors since I was small.

I was scared, so I went to her and asked her to hit me. The look she gave me was incredulous and I didn't understand why. It was the right thing after all; Myungsoo's mummy was doing it.

"I could never hit you." she told me then. Instead of hitting me she wrapped her arms around me. I truly didn't understand and I was still to be taken to the doctor's.

Before we had gone though, I asked Myungsoo what was the hitting supposed to mean. He just shook his head and smiled at me without saying anything.

Maybe the hitting wasn't right and maybe Myungsoo's mummy wasn't kind. 

 

I remember I accidentaly heard mummy talking with the doctor after I'd been released and told to wait outside. Mummy was telling the doctor about the accident I'd had even before I met Myungsoo. It wasn't so terrible from my point of view, but hearing mummy weep behind the door kind of confused me. The doctor then spoke of some more examinations because she as well didn't like the way I behaved. I felt sad because it seemed like no one liked me for being myself.

The only person who still smiled at me the same way was Myungsoo whom I liked more than I realised. I knew he liked me too, maybe even more than I did him.

"Why is your mummy still hitting you?" I asked him once, when we were walking outside. "Are you still bad to her?"

Myungsoo merely shook his head before saying, "She's just sad."

"Why?"

"Because my father left her because of me."

I didn't ask further and I felt guilty, which Myungsoo seemed to sense and instead of carrying on with the conversation, he held my hand.

After the examinations the doctor had talked about, mummy was blamed for not taking good care of me, which I didn't understand at all. I stood up for her, but it was as if I wasn't even there.

"If you searched for help sooner you could've helped him." the doctor started. I was out, behind the door again. "Frankly speaking, since that accident his brain had been slowly swelling and his mental evolution was slowing down till it stopped completely. He has a mind of a nine-year old!" 

Mummy cried a lot, I could recongise some words between her sobs.  _"He was just a child.."_  and  _"The doctors had told me he was okay..."_

I wanted to cry too, because it made me wonder...

_Was I not okay?_

__

We were twenty-one when Myungsoo told me he was leaving. He looked sad when he was telling me and no wonder. Over the years I had learned how much he loved it there and how much he loved me. I cried when he was telling me.

"Why?" I asked him.

"Because I have to." he told me, "I'm going to Japan." he added.

From what I was able to recollect, Japan was a bad country. They were with Germany and I didn't want my Myungsoo to be one of them.

"I don't want you to go." I sobbed. "Can't you stay? Or can't I go with you?"

He smiled at me, just like always, shook his head sadly and wrapped his arms around me for a long while before finally pulling away.

I cried harder when he left.

It was only later that I found out, because mummy told me, that the Japanese were looking for volunteers for their army.

I knew mummy didn't like Myungsoo much, certainly not as much as I did, but when I was crying in her arms that night because of him, she kept playing with my hair and telling me how Myungsoo was going to make it through because he was strong and good and everything that a boy of twenty-one should be and I wasn't.

I was twenty-two and listening to the radio reporters again. They'd had soothing voices at the beginning but as time went by they grew thick with fear and sadness.

There was a message of the Japanese attacking a US army base in the Pacific ocean. I hoped Myungsoo wasn't among those who'd died there. I hadn't gotten any messages from him since he left, but he was coming to me through my dreams. Sometimes I was so happy in those dreams that I didn't want to wake up and cried after I did and sometimes those dreams were so sad that I woke up crying.

Mummy had been trying to get a hold of me after Myungsoo had left, but I saw every day how drained she was. She was getting thinnier and thinnier by the day and I didn't like the look of it.

That was when the first thought of leaving to make mummy feel better struck me.

I was just about to turn twenty-six when mummy was released from the hospital. During the meantime, she had my brother look after me. He didn't look happy when he saw what all he'd have to take care of for me. I felt guilty even though mummy kept telling me it wasn't my fault. When she returned home I promised her to take better care of her from then on.

Also, I still hadn't had any word from Myungsoo by then and my sobs and tears slowly turned dry just like my hope. But I still believed he'd come for me.  _Maybe he really would_ , I kept telling myself.

The radio was playing as I was leading mummy to the rooftop flat we'd owned for so long. The reporter had talked about an 'astronomic destruction of two japanese cities Hiroshima and Nagasaki'. I heard the reporter say that the US president had approved of dropping one atomic bomb on each city. 

I felt something that I couldn't describe and mummy tightened her hold on my arm.

I still had no messages and mummy stopped playing with my hair and telling me he was going to make it through.

**

It was December in that same year that mummy went to heaven.

The war ended and the Japanese lost and I was crying every day because no one was coming home.

On the day he came for me, all of my tears disappeared. 

I had found mummy's bottle of sleeping pills; she'd grab one every time she couldn't sleep. I took a lot of them because I was tired from all the crying and tired from that I couldn't sleep at all.

That night he came for me. His smile was just as I remembered it; kind and beautiful. He offered me his hand and I took it without hesitation. He pulled me up, cupped my face and slowly kissed my forehead. "I missed you." he whispered and I smiled for the first time in ages because it felt like the home I'd lost.

He led me through white and sky blue and at the end of the path, mummy was waiting for me with her arms wide open.


	11. Make a Wish (MS/SJ)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which fairy tales do not have a happy end.

Miracles happen and wishes do come true, he was told once.

However, when he was told he would never be able to laugh with his friends, sing, or simply talk again, because, as the doctors so eloquently put it, his voice was gone despite all the attempts there had been to save it, he so desperately wanted to laugh at the irony, because his  _wish_ , his dream was gone within a second. Mute actors rarely existed, after all.

He couldn't laugh. Dry wheezing is all that would come out of it if he tried.

What an irony, truly.

It was a week later that his parents told him they were moving.

14:03, June 17 2014

From Sunggyu:  _You haven't told us that you're moving away! Is it true? I mean, we could at least say bye to each other, no? If Sungjong hadn't told me and the rest, we wouldn't have even known, would we? Honestly, we were all kind of stunned when he told us. I tried to get the reason why you're moving out of him later, since you wouldn't pick up your damn phone, but he kept saying he didn't know. The kid was behaving weirdly, so I guess he does know, after all. Suppose you don't want to talk about it, but suddenly leaving without any intention to say goodbye is, I don't know, overdone? What happened?_

15:26, June 17 2014

From Dongwoo:  _Hey~ What's going on, handsome? We heard from Sungjong you're leaving... It's that serious, huh? I won't dig around to find out why, don't worry, just don't disappear completely, okay, or I will find you and murder you. Keep in touch! Plus, you need to hug me for the last time before you go. Your hugs are the best ^-^ Love you._

He stared at his phone, tears on the edge, thinking of what to reply to the two of his friends. They were hurt, of course they were, he had sent Sungjong to tell them instead of doing it himself. Like a coward. How could've he told them without the ability of saying a stupid greeting, though?

He could clearly imagine Sunggyu frowning at his phone while typing the message, carefully picking every word. He could clearly imagine Dongwoo bawling his eyes out and constantly re-typing the words because of the tears.

_"If Sungjong hadn't told us..." "We heard from Sungjong..."_

Sungjong. If not for Sungjong, they wouldn't have even known because, being the coward he was, he wouldn't be able to tell them himself. He would get pity from them if he told them, because they knew what he wanted. Pity was not something he wanted or needed. Then a new message flicked on his screen.

15:58, June 17 2014

From Sungjong:  _Woohyun and Sungyeol cried earlier. I'm sure Dongwoo did, too. Are you still sure about this?_

He had to supress the urge to throw the phone across the room. Tears fell over. He wanted to scream; surely you can see the irony in that. He was completely sure what he did and did not want; of course he wanted to stay, how could he even be sure about deciding to leave when he wasn't the one to make that decision in the first place?

No, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure about anything anymore.

He didn't reply to the messages, in the end.

(because how do you tell someone you want to die?)

Weeks passed and he had never told Sunggyu what happened nor had he kept in touch with Dongwoo like he thought he would. Weeks passed and he'd been getting numerous messages from everyone. Woohyun was asking how he'd been doing all the time even though Myungsoo himself sensed he'd like to ask what happened just like everyone else. Sungyeol was commanding to call him back. Howon was demanding to answer Sungyeol's calls for the sake of them both. Dongwoo's messages stopped coming. So did Sunggyu's.

Then there was Sungjong with his delicate handwriting and carefully picked words. In the world of touch-screens and the internet, one would think that writing letters could be old-fashioned and from the last millennia. But one would also have to admit that it still, after so long, was magical.

Months passed and the messages they exchanged grew shorter. Sungyeol stopped calling and texted only and Myungsoo stopped hearing from Howon completely. Woohyun's messages turned to a usual "How are you?" and "The rest says hi.". Myungsoo knew they didn't say hi at all; even Sungjong's letter indirectly assured him that it was so.

He was angry at himself because he'd brought it upon himself that he missed them more than he could have.

Every time a letter from Sungjong arrived he felt a tiny tingling in his chest as if the letter bore a surprise for him. The letters had become the only link to the boy Myungsoo had. Chatting through the internet or even calling each other had become awkward over time.

Every time a letter from Sungjong arrived he read it in thee boy's voice and always imagined Sungjong was saying the words directly to him. Sometimes he wondered if Sungjong was doing the same. He always sighed bitterly at the ridiculousness of that thought.

Every time a letter from Sungjong arrived he felt happy and over time it had become an automatic process that when holding the letter with one hand and reading, his other hand would come to his chest and clench the fabric of his shirt. Just where the heart was.

Every time a letter from Sungjong arrived he felt sad, because the place so frequently clenched by his hand started to hurt from the inside and the smile on his face was soon replaced by tears, because the letters suddenly were not enough and he missed the boy more than he should.

It was a little over a year since they moved. Woohyun's messages stopped coming and so did Sungyeol's. Sungjong in one of his letters wrote that they were okay again, that they'd gotten over it.  _Over him._  Howon found himself a pretty girlfriend whom they all liked and Woohyun and Sunggyu got together. Myungsoo vaguely remembered how they'd been trying to get them together for quite some time but were never successful. When he imagined those fools holding hands and being all shy about it, he had to smile.

However, then the letters stopped coming.

Fear that had been piling up in Myungsoo's whole being came to light. Still, he decided to wait.

When nothing was coming in the following days, hope that the letter just got stuck on its way vanished and got replaced by bitter tears. He texted, even called the boy, yet no answer came.

The last letter he got was not hinting anything about Sungjong leaving or whatever issues there could be and so Myungsoo stayed in the silence of his room, choking out sobs when there were no more tears to shed. No one ever came to comfort him. No one could hear him after all.

He sent our numerous letters containing just a "What happened?" or "Where are you?". Answers never came. The place just where his heart was, was not clenched anymore and, as he realised soon after, it hurt even more.

It took just three days for him to break down completely. Desperate attempts of his parents to get him out of his room were absolutely pointless. Myungsoo had been inside for hours, day and night, hugging his knees and staring into space. That was when the regrets came.

Later that night when his eyes were sore from constant crying and his body numb, he took a piece of paper and a pen. After scrambling down Sungjong's address he knew by heart, he turned the paper around and wrote simple "I just want to be with you."

Being sure everyone was fast asleep by then, he went out to throw the paper into the post box across from their house. He didn't see the shooting star above his head. Crossing the street back, a bright light hit him from the side, he heard screeching of tires of a car that possibly got into a skid.

Then he was gone. (before he slipped away, he was sure he'd heard Sungjong's voice)

Miracles happen and wishes do come true, he was told once.

Perhaps, the words were for once speaking the truth.


	12. Hourglass (WH/SG)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which angels fall because of love.

I did not like heaven. I realised that the first time I descended and I couldn't say I had returned there since that day. I often looked up, though.

The sun was halfway through its path on the skies the time another part of my job was done. A seventy-seven year old lady passed away as her body could no longer bear the terror of cancer. I was there when she took her last breath. She couldn't see me, though. No one could.

Then he came and led her away. If I were alive, I'd say that black suit really brought out his features, eyes especially, and shaped his thin frame quite nicely, but it truly sounded ridiculous in my mind. The lady looked relieved that she no longer felt any pain as she was walking away. He was not leaving with her, not yet. Instead, he looked to me expressionless and offered his hand.

I touched the pendant hanging around my neck. I knew the feeling of it dissolving into white smoke under my touch very well; the smoke wafted to his hand, swirled around his fingers and disappeared. Then, with a nod, he was gone and I was left in a suddenly empty room.

The chain was making a clinking sound, barely hearable one for that matter, as I let my fingers play with it. The pendant was gone and I was left with time which I didn't know how to spend. I remember that sometimes it took years to be assigned a new person to look after, sometimes just mere seconds.

I sighed without letting out a breath and I walked aimlessly, my feet never touching the ground. My shadow was not there, nor was my heart. At times like those, when I was walking around with nowhere to go, I liked to watch those who were alive, running late for school or work, meeting up with their friends or lovers; I quite liked to watch them live. But I had never felt any desire to be alive.

_Rule one: You do not feel._

I did not count minutes like people did when they were waiting, I did not feel boredom and I merely waited. And then one day, a new pendant was hanging on my chain. New clock, new grains of sand to fall through.

Nam Woohyun was born on the eighth of February in the year 1991 to a man, owner of a popular restaurant run in their family for generations, and his wife. I was there on that day. The parents were proud and their first son, Woohyun's older brother, was happy to have a younger sibling to take care of.

If I were alive, I suppose I would smile. Out of sentiment, perhaps.

I did count the grains.

It was my duty to follow Woohyun, or any other assigned person for that matter, until the last grain of pearly sand in my hourglass pendant fell through, they died and my colleague from 'the other side', as the humans would funnily put it, led them away. Sometimes, not one grain slipped to the other side in a week, sometimes there were fifty in one minute. Soon after I'd begun serving heaven, I figured the grains fell faster when the person was going through a stressful period of time, was ill or injured.

I was there when Woohyun got hit by a motorcycle when he was eleven. The sand was falling fast and I could not catch up with counting each grain. But I knew he would not die there so I calmly watched the passers-by helping the boy and calling an ambulance.

_Rule two: You do not interfere._

It was not my duty to protect him from all the bad in the world, not in the slightest. Even if it were my duty, it would be absolutely impossible. My duty was to watch over him, eventually protect him from any life-threatening accidents that could take his life before it was time.

I have never considered my duties to be anyhow wonderful, as humans did. I often saw mothers cooing their children saying that there was a 'guardian angel' watching over them. There was, indeed, but to my own opinion, me and the ones of my kind were kind of overrated. We were only doing what we were told to do and I thought that if I were alive like I once was, helping people would fill me with satisfaction from the inside.

But I was not alive and I felt no satisfaction.

Woohyun ended up with two broken ribs and a slight concussion. Nonetheless, with bright smiles and quickly healing scratches on his face, he was soon all right. I was there when his friends came to visit him in the hospital. I watched them play and laugh together and I later realised that I found myself smiling at the sight.

His parents had been proud after Woohyun had brought home his first ever girlfriend. He was sixteen then and so was she. From all I could see, she was an honest girl, someone whom Woohyun deserved. I could sense how happy and proud of himself he was as I watched him trying not to break out into toothy grins. When they shared their first kiss, I did not look.

I was a human myself once. However from all I could remember, I knew just my name and that I died before my time, which, I figured, was the reason to put me in the position of looking over others. I remember seeing white and everything was too bright for me to see properly. Eventually, I adapted.

My temporary stay in heaven lasted for eleven years. Since then I'd been walking on the Earth for centuries without the slightest feature on my face changing. The others of my kind were mostly old-looking, since they likely died a natural death. Maybe it was one of the reasosns why I didn't like to reside in the clouds.

I had never tried to create any kind of bond with any of them, even though there were many who called themselves 'friends' of others. To say for myself, I found that ridiculous. They could not share any bond, that would mean they  _felt_.

I figured that all the divinity in those of my kind had been slowly dissolving and the angels were trying to be more human than humans could ever be. When being down on Earth, it was kind of liberating to me, that I did not have to watch all those pretentious pricks who rarely left the safety of our home, where I rarely entered any more.

I was glad there was no rule for staying in heaven. Nonetheless, with me staying down, there was an alarming probability of me breaking any of the other rules, maybe all of them. Personally, I did not think that it was that serious, because unlike the others, I did not see anything to be envious of, at least when it came to humans.

_Rule three: You do not get involved._

Woohyun broke up with his girlfriend after two years of a stable relationship. I could tell he was disappointed just by the meek smile and barely hearable 'thanks' he gave his friends when they, in attempt to comfort him, patted his back, slid arms around his shoulders and waist and kept repeating that she was not worth Woohyun's time anyway.

I had never thought about people and why they behaved like they did, but I found myself agreeing with Woohyun's friends on that matter. I pretended to forget what I thought of the girl when I first saw her.

Woohyun had been scared to fall for a girl again. I watched him eyeing his friends with envy as they introduced the ones they were dating. Fear of being stabbed in the back again was probably stronger than the desire to be loved.

Occasionally I glanced at the pendant to see if something wasn't coming. The amount of grains looked still the same to me and I et it go, preoccupying myself with Woohyun and things that could be running through his mind.

I did not count the grains any more.

When Woohyun turned twenty-two, I started to count again. Throughout time, I found out the chain around my neck started to corrode when the person's time was coming. In the months of spring and summer after his twenty-second birthday was everything all right. Then however, I noticed a change.

The sand lost its usual shine and the chain was rusty near the fastening. However, I did not notice any special change in Woohyun's behaviour and there was nothing wrong with his health either. At times like that, I found myself wondering how Woohyun would die. For  _people_ , my way of thinking about this matter would be morbid, maybe disgusting, but let's not pretend I cared about it.

So far, I thought of two ways of Woohyun's departure. Either an accident more serious than the one when he was eleven, or a suicide. I found it quite unfair, that young people died while 'having their whole life ahead of them', as they would say. Sadly enough, the length of one's life was not for me to decide.

_You do not interfere._

I often thought of the lady who'd died because of cancer. I had been there since her birth and accompanied her through life, which, to my opinion, was full of good things to remember. Her childhood was how I thought it was supposed to be – happy, filled with joy and games and friends. After she turned twenty, she met a man, loved him and was being well loved in return.

They had two daughters, whom indeed they had to be proud of. The girls fulfilled their dreams and managed to make their parents comfortable till the end. I saw the gratefullness in the woman's eyes every day.

Then however, a brain tumor diagnosis came and despite her will to fight, I knew she knew there was no escape from that and exactly because of that, she kept her head up. At least for her husband and daughters.

Personally, I saw people being scared of death more often. Not many had the courage to laugh death in the face when the time came, but that lady had infinite optimism shining through her eyes. And being loyal to that, when her time came and my pendant diappeared, she was still smiling as she was led to the other side.

She knew what was coming and I wondered what would Woohyun's reaction be. As I watched and counted the grains, I thought it would not be long before I'd find out.

_Rule four: You do not break the rules._

Soon I understood why Woohyun's time was to come so quickly. I never knew how it felt to be frustrated or depressed, naturally because I did not feel anything. (At least that was what I kept telling myself all the time.)

One of Woohyun's closest friends, Dongwoo he was called, tried to commit suicide about three months before Woohyun's own time. Being friends since Woohyun (and I) could remember, they knew each other more than well, shared secrets, laughed and cried together. For years, Woohyun had been sure he knew every wrinkle on Dongwoo's face when he smiled and perhaps he really did.

But when he saw him standing on a roof of a dormitory building, so incredibly close to the edge, tears on his face instead of his usual smiles, Woohyun was confused and scared as he had never been, because he did not know anything so terrible to make Dongwoo want to take his life away. I was there, watching from behind the shadows.

“What the hell are you doing?” Woohyun asked, rather angrily.

Dongwoo merely turned around, his usually loud voice nowhere to be found. It was foggy that day. It was the middle of October and Dongwoo was to have his own birthday soon as well.

“Go home, Hyun.” he replied then, turning his face back to the city's landscape.

“Yeah, like that will happen.” Woohyun commented. “Come down. Please?”

Dongwoo did not go down and Woohyun refused to stay still any longer. I guessed that he was mostly powered up by fear when he lunged forward and grabbed Dongwoo by the wrist, pulling him down so suddenly that the boy didn't have even a second to react. After a while, I turned away from the scene, I knew they cried and it was as though I was inavding their privacy.

Dongwoo did not die that day and Woohyun had to promise he'd never breathe a word of the incident to anyone. Woohyun himself, though closed himself before everyone, even me, whom he did not see. For the first time in a while, I found myself being curious. I could see how he changed; he lost weight, skin lost its colour and eyes their shine.

The grains were falling fast and the chain was not silver any more.

It took me unbelievably long to find out why Woohyun was drowning himself in depressions. It was not only the reason why Dongwoo considered suicide the way out of his troubles, which Woohyun did not know because Dongwoo did not tell him. It was also Dongwoo's reluctance to talk to Woohyun after that day. And I guessed that Woohyun was being pushed by his own mind into thinking that he should have let Dongwoo jump.

Scared, frustrated and regretful, Woohyun was being chased by dark thoughts that slowly pushed him to that same roof Dongwoo once stood on.

It was in winter, January before Woohyun's twenty-third birthday. The roof was covered in pure, undisturbed snow. Only trails of Woohyun's feet were there, engraved in the white blanket of snowflakes, leading from the stairs to the edge.

There were three grains remaining in the hourglass.

The wind was harsh and biting and Woohyun's nose was bright red from the cold. He was looking at the landscape of the city for a long while before taking in a deep breath and sighing.

One fell.

_You do not get involved._

He looked behind himself and his stare went right through me. I sensed he was hoping for Dongwoo to appear and tell him it was going to be all right. Tell him that it was all a terrible nightmare and that they were going to laugh again like they used to.

Two.

_You do not interfere._

Dongwoo was not coming and I saw the disappointment in Woohyun's eyes before he turned back, facing the wind. Dongwoo was not there.

But I was.

Three.

_You do not feel._

Woohyun did not die on that day. Unlike Dongwoo, he was supposed to. But I was there and I pulled his wrist and he fell back, right through my invisible frame. I stared at my hand and then back at him. The fall knocked air out of his lungs, but he was there. He lived.

He looked dumbfounded and stared right through me again. But he couldn't see me. No one could. I could hear him mumble “What is this?”, looking around for any kind of explanation why he was not dead just yet. I even wished he knew that I was that explanation.

Instinctively I reached to touch my neck and as I thought, the chain was not there. Nor was the pendant and I saw clouds gathering in the clear sky. I broke the rules.

Woohyun got up after a while. There was snow in his hair and all over his clothes and his nose was red and I figured that I could feel after all. Sighing, he slowly walked to the staircase. I smiled, watching his retreating back. For the first time in my afterlife existence, I felt I did the right thing and I thought that despite my dislike towards those of my kind who practically pretended to be humans, I was more human than the most of them.

Somehow, I did not care they closed the Gates before me.

I did not like heaven after all.


End file.
